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I feel it again.
It's knocking on my door.

The Sorrow. The Darkness.

That's why I'm not in bed right now.



What do I say?
It's probably got something to do with my porn addiction.
I haven't been clean for even a day since I've been home. I'm not proud of it.

That's it. That's all I feel the need to say right now.

I want a hug. I want a hug and I don't want to let go until my arms lose feeling. My head against someone else's.
I need life. I need God. I need to believe in myself.

My Lumberjack fleece makes me happy.

I need to talk to someone.
I can't. I'm the only one here.
Home.
Or at least I think it's home. It feels like it, sounds like it.

Home for the holidays.
That should be great. How come it doesn't feel that way? My parents are here, my siblings are here, my best friend is here.
So why am i questioning it?

I miss my friends, my adopted rosebud family. And I'm going to miss them all when I leave in May. For Good.
I don't even want to think about it. I seem to make myself depressed about it.

I do that a lot.
Make myself depressed. It feels good, the sadness, the sorrow, the pain.

I can feel the door closing on my genuine happiness in life. It's getting more difficult to escape.

Why?

Does it feel good? Yes.
Do I do it to collect sympathy? Not all the time. But it's the reason this started, most definitely.

I feel alone.
Lonely? Alone?
One or the other, or both.

I have so many who love me. Why do I feel none of it?
I'm almost incapable of feeling it. I mean, I do feel it, but I can't accept it.
I can't comprehend that I'm somebody would want to look for or date or be interested in.
Accepting false flirtations with women that I find interesting, when in the end that's what they see in me as well, nothing but humorous and interesting.

I want genuine love.
And I had it. Oh god, did I have it.
Or at least I think I did.
Right in front of me. But I couldn't take it.
Why? Like an idiot, I played with her, I thought I was smart, and maybe I was, but I was not gentle about any of it. None of it.

I look back. And I don't think I want to be loved. I mean I do, I really do. But it's just maybe not worth it with me.
I know I'm 21, but I've got love surrounding me, 1 friend married, 3 others engaged, 1 looking for rings. It's just all a little too much for my fragile heart.
I search and I search, but I know nothing but failure and heartache.

And now here I am pouring my fucking guts out here on a computer screen, on my parents dinner table at 1:25 in the fucking morning.
Lord, I need help.
I'm so afraid. I'm still a kid, in a man's body. (a grown hairy ass man's body). I'm expected to function, but I don't know if I can.

I watched a movie called "The Perks of being a Wallflower", and I loved it. Beautiful Film. Exquisite.
Anyway, there's a part in the movie where the main character is crushing hard on this girl he loves, but she won't give him anything besides being his best friend. He confronts his teacher about it and asks:
"Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"
And the teacher responding:
"Well, we accept the love we think we deserve."
"Can we make them know that they deserve more?"
"We can try."
This is so powerful to me. I resonate with this. I feel constantly in a bad position. A sucky position.
It's also repeated later on, by the main character and the girl that he's referencing previously.
She says:
"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Do we? I feel like I might.

I hurt. My heart hurts. Aches.
And I can't do anything about it, except deny my heart and try to move forward. It is, of course, the logical thing to do. Because otherwise, I will TEAR. MYSELF. APART.

Geordie... Go to fucking sleep.

...

...

...alright.

It's just late.

It seems I'm here again.
It's 2 in the morning and I just can't sleep.
I think it's cuz I've fucked with my sleep schedule.
I've been thinking about love this past week. (More than usual)

Who I love, who I have loved, who I will love.
It's an interesting thing. I came up with a word that describes my situation almost perfectly.

Infatuation.

Not entirely sure on the definition of it, but I know that it tells me that I may not actually love someone. but that I just find them intriguing and I am obsessed. I don't want to love anyone else because well that's all I am. Infatuated with them.

I had a great conversation today with Cassie (my Moira). What a wonderful human soul, she struggles just like we all do, yet she seems to do it in a way that is just beautiful, she doesn't seem to be hurting anybody while she struggles in the world. Just Elegantly.

We talked about crushes, and love, and relationships, and marriage, and that perfect person, and dating, and self-esteem. It was incredibly therapeutic to just be myself with someone, much like I feel with Justin. I didn't have to be something or someone that I'm not, all I had to do was talk and be myself.
We even talked about how we present ourselves in front of people and how that is okay.

You need to feel comfortable in your relationships and feel trusted and know that mistakes can happen and if they do you can talk them out. You should never feel like you need to be in control, or you need to change to make someone happy. Because if you do, I'd re-evaluate it.

I don't know if I'll ever not be infatuated with Kait and who she is, because she is a wonderful human being, but I know that with time I can learn to love someone else who will return it to me.

I look forward to whomever I will marry and enjoy life with. I may know them already and I may not. It's nerve-wracking but exciting.

In my Final Project, there are two people who love each other, but the war makes them sleep with other people, and then at the end of the play, they return to each other as if picking up where they left off.

This is beautiful to me.
Why?
They Cheated. That's bad. They shouldn't get back together.
Wrong.
They love each other and it's clear. They only were with other people because they were lonely. And they couldn't stand the war alone. but the biggest thing is that: from the start, there was no one else. Ever. They always loved each other. They knew this. They are able to come together and forgive one another. I think it's a testament to true love and what you will do for it.

I should go to bed now, I feel tired now. Until I can't sleep or need to vent. So long.