It seems I'm here again.
It's 2 in the morning and I just can't sleep.
I think it's cuz I've fucked with my sleep schedule.
I've been thinking about love this past week. (More than usual)
Who I love, who I have loved, who I will love.
It's an interesting thing. I came up with a word that describes my situation almost perfectly.
Infatuation.
Not entirely sure on the definition of it, but I know that it tells me that I may not actually love someone. but that I just find them intriguing and I am obsessed. I don't want to love anyone else because well that's all I am. Infatuated with them.
I had a great conversation today with Cassie (my Moira). What a wonderful human soul, she struggles just like we all do, yet she seems to do it in a way that is just beautiful, she doesn't seem to be hurting anybody while she struggles in the world. Just Elegantly.
We talked about crushes, and love, and relationships, and marriage, and that perfect person, and dating, and self-esteem. It was incredibly therapeutic to just be myself with someone, much like I feel with Justin. I didn't have to be something or someone that I'm not, all I had to do was talk and be myself.
We even talked about how we present ourselves in front of people and how that is okay.
You need to feel comfortable in your relationships and feel trusted and know that mistakes can happen and if they do you can talk them out. You should never feel like you need to be in control, or you need to change to make someone happy. Because if you do, I'd re-evaluate it.
I don't know if I'll ever not be infatuated with Kait and who she is, because she is a wonderful human being, but I know that with time I can learn to love someone else who will return it to me.
I look forward to whomever I will marry and enjoy life with. I may know them already and I may not. It's nerve-wracking but exciting.
In my Final Project, there are two people who love each other, but the war makes them sleep with other people, and then at the end of the play, they return to each other as if picking up where they left off.
This is beautiful to me.
Why?
They Cheated. That's bad. They shouldn't get back together.
Wrong.
They love each other and it's clear. They only were with other people because they were lonely. And they couldn't stand the war alone. but the biggest thing is that: from the start, there was no one else. Ever. They always loved each other. They knew this. They are able to come together and forgive one another. I think it's a testament to true love and what you will do for it.
I should go to bed now, I feel tired now. Until I can't sleep or need to vent. So long.
