The Curse of Uncertain Forever

I have these thoughts again. They ruin me. Betray me in my most vulnerable. Most important. What is life? What is existence? When we are here one day and gone the next? My body overwhelms itself over this unsolvable mystery and quakes with fervour and stiffens as it attempts to release it. I lay here, on the bed of my lover, with tears at the verge of unleashing. All I want is peace. All i crave is slumber. Let me go to sleep and may i think no longer. This is my worst villain. This is my prison. The shackles in which this curse binds to mine brain and lets me not escape for even a few inches. I yearn for silence. I wish not to think on it anymore. May I be ignorant and naïve. A slave to my humanity. I have not any answers and will not find any soon. My probing tests are a forfeit and I wish not to continue. Let me love. Let me think. Let me enjoy. Let me alone.

A Familiar Nuisance

It's been a long time since I wrote in here but I'm away from my journal and I need to write somewhere. Lately, I lot has been looking up for me. The love of a woman. A great internship. 3rd year of a degree. Regular Therapy. And a good home life. However, with therapy comes revelations and healing. I suffer from a few things: Retroactive Jealousy PTSD Fear of Abandonment and potentially a mild panic disorder With my retroactive jealousy, I struggle with the thought that my partner has been with many other sexual partners (she doesn't remember the number) Plus she has multiple male friends that she still is in contact with in which she's been intimate. It sucks. I struggle to let go of the fact that she's slept with these men, some of whom I really don't like. She's been an amazingly understanding and communicative partner in all this, and I'd like to think the same about me. However, my therapist told me that of course I'll still get triggered and that I just need to develop the tools on how to deal with my triggers. They'll never go away. I just need to remember that I'm enough as a person. Partner. Emotional supporter. Sexual partner. I need to remember I am more than all her other partners combined and that I get the privilege to be the one with her right now and hopefully forever. The first partner doesn't matter, but I could potentially be her last partner and that's a big privilege. She is very happy with me. She is very happy with me. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am a special man.

Snap back to reality... Oh, there goes gravity.

How do you react when you find out a friend is going through some really bad mental struggles?

Struggles that may have cost them their wife?
or put them in jail?
or a job?

When they seemed so good! One day they just ... snap.

What causes that so dramatically? Can it happen to anyone?


It never helps to read the news or the comment section adjoining it. That in and of itself is bad for the mind.

My question is now what can I do about it?
How can I help?

I had a good day today.
it wasn't as productive as I'd've liked but it was good.

Talked to friends.
Talked to my girlfriend.
Designed.
Played Music.
Family time.

But then my dog ate my ear buds and I nearly lost my mind.
I suppose that answers my previous inquiry.. about how one can snap.

It's easy to snap.
But you can come back.
You can always come back.

You just need the right environment to grow.

Wobbly knees, Stormy seas

When you're in a relationship you go through many trying times.
But perhaps a big one is the long distance thing.

Long Distance is really quite difficult to maneuver especially when you both receive love in a different way than the other.

For example, my girlfriend and I have been dating for some bit of time short of 6 months at this point.

She is a physical love kind of person, meaning she gives her love via touch, and also receives it via touch.

I, however, give love through verbal communication, I also receive it that way.

Very different people.

I jump into a relationship with both feet right off the bat, I say I love you really quickly and I also tend to reveal my emotions and every emotion at the slightest wink of movement. I wear my heart on my sleeve quite accurately.

She on the other hand, seems to be more reserved, more meticulous. She doesn't speak through emotion, she speaks through practical education and observation.

Teaching me patience.

Which is hard.

We talked today, and not for the first time, I brought up the fact that I need to be reassured that she's still willingly involved in this relationship because if I'm not checking in... then I don't know.

And that's troubling.

or is it?

I keep wondering if I'm overthinking this whole situation because I have massive insecurities that she's going to leave me and that she's not going to like me anymore. I have major personal doubts about her feelings for me.

I feel distressed..

But should I...

Is every relationship like this?

I feel good about this and I feel great about her.

But I don't feel loved.

Is that a problem?

Or do I just need time?

My patience is lacking and maybe that's the problem.

It probably is...
because
good things take time.

Good things take time. I have to remember that.

Be honest, but fair, and never listen to doubt.

Forever Forthcoming

It's been awhile since I sat down and typed my feelings down for all the internet to see. I had a nice reminisce over my past..

My loss.
My Depression.
My loneliness.
My heartache.
My naivety.

I suppose I don't type out my feelings much anymore because I feel better. I am a more confident human being now, I've been able to learn about myself, I've been able to travel, I've met new people who aren't the same as me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still hopelessly in love with certain women in my life, but it doesn't seem to get in the way of my day to day operation. There are still things that I get wrong all the time, and trouble still seems to find me. But I can handle it all now in a healthier way.

I will state that I am afraid to get back on stage and act in Rosebud again, mostly because I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I haven't done it in a long time, and I frankly don't want to act anymore. I've gotten certified to teach now, and I want to do that. I want to be able to travel across this plain of existence and do something practical in life.

Art is practical in a non-practical way, it encourages the mind, it encourages the inner growth. I want more than that, I want more than an opinion shoved into my face or shoved into someone else's face. I want to do good, I don't want to create unhealthy problems. I don't want to seem like I have an agenda.

That's kind of it for right now.

The Insomnia Chronicles: Why am I still here?

Bro.

I am not okay.
I mean, I'm not dangerous.
But I don't feel okay.

I am happy at times. I genuinely feel things, but I always end up back here...

... In the dark.

I lie to myself so often about so many things. I lie to other people tiny little lies. I don't feel worthy enough to love someone. I don't feel loved by anyone...

Except families.
But they don't count. Not in this context.

I feel like a pest. I feel like everyone tolerates.
If even that anymore.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!

I will never be okay with some things I've done. I don't think that I can ever trust myself again.

I'm too broken.
I'm too corrupt.

And in a world where the white male is lynched so easily...
I don't feel strong enough to continue in the public eye.

I want to run away. I want to become someone else.
I want to live alone.
Where I won't harm anyone else except for myself.

I don't deserve any of this.

Please God.
Fucking help me.
Fucking save me.

Show me a better life.

No, no, I insist, please

So I was brought to earth with a heavy crash today, a very close friend of mine mentioned that he's been hurt by me lately because he feels I'm an attention seeker and that when we get together it's always about me.

I'm horrified. Considering it is always in the back of my mind to never talk to much about myself. But I realize that it's my attitude and my presence that is vain. Now, part of the blame can be shoved into a lump with my career choice... As an actor, I've learned that I have to look out for myself and I have to take care of my self because it is a dog eat dog world. However, that's no excuse for being self-centered enough to not even ask how my pals are doing and genuinely caring. I'm ashamed at myself.

It's a lesson that I will take to heart and attempt a shift in myself, a betterment.

Seeking attention and affection are two things that I have noticed in myself, and if I've noticed it then I'm certain others have. I will make a vow to be less self-centered, talk about my problems less, and take genuine interest in the lives of the people in life.