Title

Oh god.
I'm going to explode. I've never felt this mad in a long time.
FUCK! I want to just fucking scream!!

I had a meeting today with Caleb, if you can even call it one. I went in with some topics to chat about and wouldn't you know it...
I felt shitty afterward.
Why?
Oh well, because everything I brought up felt stupid and obvious.
But that wasn't the worst part. I felt as though he was condescending me the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.

As if, "geez, Geordie. you should know better." "isn't that why you were elected?" FUCK.

And then I attempted to locate the calendar on my email account, the education email, and so I asked Caleb for help... Well, Fuck. That was a mistake.
He was so fucking impatient with me. He treated me like an idiot. He tore into me about not knowing how to open the calendar, he was like you should know this by now.
Fuck.

I don't know who the fuck reads this blog, and frankly, I don't want to know. Because it'll get tougher for me to speak the truth.

But I've got to get something off my chest. Kait has been in pain this past few days, and as much as I fight against my feelings, I've been offering my help wherever I can.

And all that.

But.

You see, she wrote a blog post today thanking everyone for the specific reasons they've helped her, and all I got was a "thanks for your car".

I know. I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion, and yes, fuck I still like her...
But for goodness sake, I am really hurt by this. I've done what I can. And maybe that's it, maybe she's distancing more than I am. But fuck.

Just.

I hate liking someone with no reciprocation.
I want to move on, I want to go out with someone else to defer my energy, but if it doesn't work, then I've just fucked over some other girl.

And I've done that already, and...

That wrecked me. I will never do that again. I won't do that to someone again.

Now I've reached the really depressive stuff, I know people have their own shit going on, but I truly feel like I'm being tolerated.

By everyone.

I'M NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I just find shit funny, and laugh, and I am just truly awkward beyond myself. I don't know how to present myself in situations, so I find a way to do it.

I need to get out of here.
I don't think I can finish. I don't think I can do it.

I wish I didn't have a voice, because then I would shut up about all my little issues. And I wouldn't bother people, with this fucking complainy shit anymore.
I blame others for my shit, and you know, I'm thinking it might be me.

I don't know how to love someone properly. I just crush hard. Or I'm lustful. Or I'm awkward. OR I'm actually in a fucking trance over the one person who said "yea, let's give it a try".
I don't know how to love. I just think I do.

I just fucking start things. I get all fucking excited over fucking ideas and things, but then I fucking lose interest in it. Whether, it's school, a show, a project, a relationship.
I CAN'T FUCKING FINISH ANYTHING.

Fuck. Just fuck.

I hate this. I hate this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel this weight of darkness. But it's fucking here. RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

Leave me alone. I can't function anymore. Because I just lose it. I cry, I get overwhelmed. I want to scream.
I don't feel wanted in this place. And if I'm being honest, I never have.

Truly.

I feel like I just get used. because I'm nice and convenient.

And the worst part is... I usually feel better after a fucking rant post. But I don't. I almost feel worse.

"you were great as the dinosaur, it was you, I watched it and saw Geordie"

IS THAT ALL I AM? AN ASSHOLE MANCHILD, WHO SAYS SOME HALF-FUNNY SHIT???!!!! FUCK YOU! I DON'T WANT TO SEEM AS IF I'M NOT ACTING. I MEAN SURE I WANT TO BE AUTHENTIC, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE I HAVEN'T GONE TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT.

I'm low. I mean, real fuckin low. I don't feel genuinely happy anymore, I feel fake when I smile, because I feel sad so often now.

And I'm not looking for pity.

I'm looking help.
But I... Fuck.

Who cares.

Goodnight.

Something Burnt

It's seems that a lot of people are having a tough time right about now, myself included, but I only feel stressed because I'm not kicking my ass to get my shit down like I know I need to be doing.
I did the dishes tonight and had my headphones on. I had a grand ol' time just rocking out to Shawn Mendes, in particular, this song...



I had a whirlwind of a week and I do have some mixed feelings about it. I opened and closed a show in Calgary and it went really well,
at least,
I believe it did.

The playwright...

maybe not so much.

Hah.
Well, funny story.

The original dinosaur was written and portrayed as woman, and she made it very clear, very quickly.
Also she said three words to me "that was great", which isn't weird if she says that to everyone, but she didn't. She had an extensive conversation about EVERYONE's portrayal, except me.

Eh.

Playwright's are touchy. Go figure.

So what.

I fucking killed that part.

But it does bug me. I mean obviously because I'm still talking about it. I just wanted her to like me, and you know what?
Maybe she did. but I won't know that.

Fuck.

Anyway. I want to be a better person. I mean like be better at kicking my ass to get shit done. And just listen more to others. I want to be less of a jerk.
I also want to take my life off cruise control, because that's what i feel like is happening. I expecting myself to get there. And it's not true. I need to work hard. HARD.

It starts now, not yesterday. FUCK YESTERDAY. It's yesterday for a reason.

I watched a movie tonight about a chef fighting for what he wants, and it was incredible. BURNT with Bradley Cooper.


I feel the darkness, but right now I've got a torch in hand. So that's a step.