The Beauty of Maggie Rogers

So let's go for a bit of a more positive post.

I'm adjusting to life at home, and as much as it's hard living with mom and dad, it' going alright. They're respecting my time and I'm making sure to take it. I do help out around the house more and I enjoy the work.
Such as chopping down a fucking tree today with an axe. I felt badass. My dad took a photo of me and my muscles that I've been working on 2 hours daily for the past 2 weeks is paying off. I'm starting to look fucking ripped! I love it.

I feel much better about myself as I have cut ties with Rosebud apart from a few things. It's such an amazing place, however sometimes it got to emotional and too real at times. I miss the connection and the people though. I have very little outside interaction here at home. But the upside to that is that I've been able to work on myself WAY more.

Like I said, I workout EVERYDAY and it's really beginning to pay off already and it's only the start of week number three. I've developed a much healthier eating habit, less sweets, more main food group stuff. I've finished a book a started 2 weeks ago and am starting another. (I'm not a reader). I am on a path of spiritual awakening, and I'm looking for my Father Saviour much harder. And I couldn't be more excited to search for Him.

I've started to spend more time with my parents and brother, I love it and I can tell that they appreciate having me at home as well. I don't have a job yet, and even though June is coming to an end quick, I enjoy the rest I'm getting. However, my school work is slow moving because I'm not giving it the time that it needs. I have a lot to do, but I believe that I'll get it done if I push myself, and I know I can.

I have started to stress about this upcoming wedding that I'm MCing, there's a lot to do and quite a bit happening. I do not want to come up short, so I've got to work my ass off. I've got everything I need to have the ball continue to roll and to even roll smoothly, I've just got to work at it, and efficiently.

I had a rough week last week, I had some heart stuff going on with Kait, we've talked and we've come to an agreement/understanding sort of thing. That I believe and have to trust is going to be quite alright for the both of us in the long run. It just sucks to put your heart through something like this. I've liked her a long time and still do. God has a plan and I've got to believe He'll do what's best.

A friend of mine, 14 years, Jared told me that he's never known me to be the player type. Now, let me explain. He said that once I have given over my heart to someone, it stays for quite awhile. Now this is not counting the crushes I've had, (but crushes come and go and heck you can have a crush on someone you've never met but in the long run they mean nothing unless another step has been made) I've only given my heart to a total of 5 girls, only 3 of which actually meant something substantial, so maybe only three. But the point he was making was that I'm built for commitment, it comes naturally to me, and I was quite surprised to hear this from Jared. I trust him with a lot of my life, a keeper of a friend for life, which in that category is again only a group of friends under 10 that I'd like to keep around forever.

On another note, I heard this song a few days ago, it's by a girl named Maggie Rogers, she's a student at a school in the states and she had a chance to meet and play a song for Pharrell and it was this one below. And fuck! It blew my mind, Pharrell's mind, and the teacher's mind all over the fucking room! She's a student, training, never produced before this, just pure passion for her sound. Have a listen, I can't stop listening to it.

(In fact, this whole post took about 15 minutes and I listened to this about 12 times on repeat)

Me and my broken heart

I hurt.

I sound like a broken record. But I'm in love

...

Err..

Was in love. Still in love.

Fuck. I don't know.

I think about her every fucking hour. Minute. Second.

It just isn't meant to be I guess. I want to text her, I want to message her. But it's not helpful.
For me. Or for her.

I also haven't been very honest with another woman. She's beautiful. But ultimately, I'm not be truthful to her how I feel and I'm approaching our relationship in an unhealthy way. Luckily, we've talked and have stopped.

But now I can focus on how my heart is broken.

She's my dream girl.

And I'm saying goodbye. She's confused. I'm confused. What is happening, God?


I'm working out everyday though, and eating much healthier. I haven't gotten to the spiritual connection yet. But working on it.

I can't fall asleep now. Because I'm thinking about her, and how I can't talk to her.

Fuckitty Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hate my love life. It fucking sucks.

Hello Darkness

We push on.

I have been celebrating these last few days and getting over my project. It's been nice. I've not felt happier in these last few days. Except that it's hitting me now.
Hence, the blog. I guess.

Most of the people I hung around with are gone. Or busy.

I leave this place that I've been the last few years.

Four.

The last four years.

I can't believe it.

I have to say goodbye to some people that I won't be seeing in a long, long time. If ever.
I'm gone in the next 3 days.

The last few hours.
I've already said goodbye to some. I have said goodbye to some a while ago.

I am moving on. Forward. Growing up.

I am starting my life.

I have an audition lined up for when I go home. But I don't have a job. Nothing to make sure that I am supported for the future. I worry that I won't be able to live the life that I want.

No girl. Which means no wife, therefore no family. Yet.
No job. No money. No travel.
No more education. No automatic social community.

I am scared. I don't want it. Lord help me.

Well...

Yeah... You. Lord.

I have promised to recommit this summer. And I have been failing. I have looked at porn this past week. It's not good. I feel like the shit, the depressive state is coming back.

I have no purpose to live right now. Because I'm done my schooling for the first time in 16 years. That's weird.

I've been eating junk too. I'm falling apart. Help me.

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What do you have planned for me?

What am I, Geordie, supposed to do? What happens? Show me I will turn out in a happy state of living.
Tell me I am stepping toward my dreams. Show me I am doing good. Show me everything will work out for me.

There are friendships that I wish were not messed up. People that I wish I didn't butt heads with. And it seems to be happening more frequently. Is it me? Everything I say around some people seem to set them off. Is there something about me that makes people want to knock me down a peg? I don't need it. I feel as though I'm pretty close to the ground as it is. Is it because I try to not let things bother me? Because I'm always optimistic, and it is making others disdain me? Why do these things happen to me? Why does everything I touch seem to run away, or hate me, or turn to shit?

It doesn't make sense.
I've tried to be the best human being that I can be. And will continue to.