We push on.
I have been celebrating these last few days and getting over my project. It's been nice. I've not felt happier in these last few days. Except that it's hitting me now.
Hence, the blog. I guess.
Most of the people I hung around with are gone. Or busy.
I leave this place that I've been the last few years.
Four.
The last four years.
I can't believe it.
I have to say goodbye to some people that I won't be seeing in a long, long time. If ever.
I'm gone in the next 3 days.
The last few hours.
I've already said goodbye to some. I have said goodbye to some a while ago.
I am moving on. Forward. Growing up.
I am starting my life.
I have an audition lined up for when I go home. But I don't have a job. Nothing to make sure that I am supported for the future. I worry that I won't be able to live the life that I want.
No girl. Which means no wife, therefore no family. Yet.
No job. No money. No travel.
No more education. No automatic social community.
I am scared. I don't want it. Lord help me.
Well...
Yeah... You. Lord.
I have promised to recommit this summer. And I have been failing. I have looked at porn this past week. It's not good. I feel like the shit, the depressive state is coming back.
I have no purpose to live right now. Because I'm done my schooling for the first time in 16 years. That's weird.
I've been eating junk too. I'm falling apart. Help me.
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What do you have planned for me?
What am I, Geordie, supposed to do? What happens? Show me I will turn out in a happy state of living.
Tell me I am stepping toward my dreams. Show me I am doing good. Show me everything will work out for me.
There are friendships that I wish were not messed up. People that I wish I didn't butt heads with. And it seems to be happening more frequently. Is it me? Everything I say around some people seem to set them off. Is there something about me that makes people want to knock me down a peg? I don't need it. I feel as though I'm pretty close to the ground as it is. Is it because I try to not let things bother me? Because I'm always optimistic, and it is making others disdain me? Why do these things happen to me? Why does everything I touch seem to run away, or hate me, or turn to shit?
It doesn't make sense.
I've tried to be the best human being that I can be. And will continue to.
