Lone Wolves Keep Themselves Warm in the Harsh Winter Air

Here I lay.
High on top of a loft bed in an unfinished suite.

All by myself.

I kind of like it. The Solitude. The not being bothered. The minding my own business.
But.
I do still get lonely. I get these anxiety-like episodes of uncertainty and loneliness.

Like today, I felt as though I had made a wrong decision to be where I've committed to be for four months.
I was grumpy, stressed, sad, depressed, uncertain, impatient, etc.

I finally came to my senses after remembering it's day one of a life transition. Things will feel crappy to start.

I don't feel like I've done a lot with my life. Inexperienced, Immature.
It's as if I feel unsatisfied with where I'm at. I've had very little experiences or feelings that make life feel purposeful and that give me hope and meaning.

Unfortunately, one of those things... is just a friend now, and as much as I'm happy she's still in my life, I still hate to think that she won't be the one I wake up to, just the one I call every couple months or years as we grow older.

I found something else that fills my heart and soul with power, excitement, uncontainable joy, and purpose.

Canoeing.

I want to be an Olympic Canoer. Canoeist? I know it sounds crazy at 22 but I haven't had that much raw feeling for something that wasn't a woman, in ages.

I have always loved to canoe, ever since I could, I knew that I loved it. I wish I had one, and I wish that I kept up with it.
If I want to do this, I must dedicate myself to HARD training of the mind, body, and spirit.

Understanding who I am is most important right now, keeping my head down, working hard, and fulfilling joy in every aspect of my solitary life. Living the dream and preparing for something greater to come down the road ahead.

I am excited for the next couple months and years, don't get me wrong, I just worry that I'll get to the end of my life and shame myself for not doing more.
I never want to let go of my dreams, or the people in my life. Especially the ones that make that fire roar.

Goodnight from the loft inside the unfinished suite, off the corner of the single four way stop in a Hamlet tucked in the Valley.

But Then What?

What am I?

I seem to be socially awkward.

I seem to be self-centered.

I seem to be lazy.

I seem to be defensive.

I seem to be jealous.

I don't seem to keep friendships long, without arguing.

I make everything about me.

I am not motivated.

I am not organized.

I talk too much.

I'm obsessive.

I'm not disciplined

I seem unintelligent most of the time.

I seem ignorant.

I seem insincere.

Who have I become?

I received my evaluation from Mark about my Final Project. And I can't argue with anything that was said. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to quit theatre and cut myself off from everyone who knows the project, and everyone involved with my education at Rosebud.

I feel like a failure to everyone around me, a disappointment who's a lost cause.

I want to start fresh somewhere.





I think I'm going to fail.

I really, really do. And there's not a damn thing that I can do about it.

I'm not doing anything productive with my life at the moment. I live at home, I have no job, I'm single, I don't go out, I'm not very responsible. I'm not doing anything for my faith.

What's wrong with me?

Do I put too many people on a pedestal? Do I not make the first step? Do I obsess over the wrong thing?

There are so many people that I've hurt. There are so many people that I want to apologize too. There are so many times that I wish I could take back.

What am I doing here?




I feel like I'm driving to my failure tomorrow. I'm tenting. Whether that's smart or not, who knows. I'm too spontaneous, I rely on my ability to wing it too much. I don't prepare. I don't.

And I don't know how to change that without severely affecting the way that I view life or live it.

I'm glad this is my last item on my 'Graduate Rosebud List'.


I won't be a burden or a reason to roll eyes anymore to anyone in that town. I'll be out.


But then what?