The Insomnia Chronicles: Why am I still here?

Bro.

I am not okay.
I mean, I'm not dangerous.
But I don't feel okay.

I am happy at times. I genuinely feel things, but I always end up back here...

... In the dark.

I lie to myself so often about so many things. I lie to other people tiny little lies. I don't feel worthy enough to love someone. I don't feel loved by anyone...

Except families.
But they don't count. Not in this context.

I feel like a pest. I feel like everyone tolerates.
If even that anymore.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!

I will never be okay with some things I've done. I don't think that I can ever trust myself again.

I'm too broken.
I'm too corrupt.

And in a world where the white male is lynched so easily...
I don't feel strong enough to continue in the public eye.

I want to run away. I want to become someone else.
I want to live alone.
Where I won't harm anyone else except for myself.

I don't deserve any of this.

Please God.
Fucking help me.
Fucking save me.

Show me a better life.

No, no, I insist, please

So I was brought to earth with a heavy crash today, a very close friend of mine mentioned that he's been hurt by me lately because he feels I'm an attention seeker and that when we get together it's always about me.

I'm horrified. Considering it is always in the back of my mind to never talk to much about myself. But I realize that it's my attitude and my presence that is vain. Now, part of the blame can be shoved into a lump with my career choice... As an actor, I've learned that I have to look out for myself and I have to take care of my self because it is a dog eat dog world. However, that's no excuse for being self-centered enough to not even ask how my pals are doing and genuinely caring. I'm ashamed at myself.

It's a lesson that I will take to heart and attempt a shift in myself, a betterment.

Seeking attention and affection are two things that I have noticed in myself, and if I've noticed it then I'm certain others have. I will make a vow to be less self-centered, talk about my problems less, and take genuine interest in the lives of the people in life.