I went to Calgary today to mostly get fit for a suit at a Moore's which were only located in Calgary (fucking stupid). Mostly because I didn't want to drive in Calgary.
But we (Caleb and I) also went to Calgary to see a show called "We are the body" which was absolutely stunning, the story was captivating I wasn't distracted by the room or audience until the end of the show when I began to get bored, but honestly the three actors we watched put so much passion into the truth of the story they were playing.
I was impressed, I didn't feel super affected by the play emotionally except for when some sound cues got intense or when insinuation of rape came into conversation.
Absolutely incredible.
We picked up Caitlyn at her place and first off, I have to say that her family has one of the most beautiful houses I've ever seen, It overlooks a pond, it's the last on the street, and it's big and nice.
I was nervous to pick her up because I started out on the wrong foot with her family and I can't seem to shake my shame I feel toward them over her daughter and how I approached our relationship (when we had one). It's unfortunate, but a lot of my decisions and actions are based off of, previous mistakes that I have made or felt I've made, and that I can't comprehend anymore because they were either really horrible or shameful. I then can't move on healthily because I'm back by a previous experience and I am so apologetic against myself.
Caleb and I had really lovely talk on the way back from Calgary about ourselves, life, love, loss and numerous amount of other things. I was brought to realize that I don't listen as well as I think I do. I also don't give myself the opportunity to really invest into anything, I just seem to head things off at the pass and that's the end of it. I hold myself back from learning, from growing. I get comfortable in who I am, where I am. I don't want to help anyone out because I don't want to, or I don't want to listen to people because I'm bored and I don't care.
I need give myself more room and space to feel. I need to be uncomfortable sometimes, I have to push past my disinterest and get the work done. I don't show my work trail, I just do and leave. I don't see and analyze.
What's with that?
I have to realize that I'm not the most experienced, the most intelligent, the most dramatic, the most wise, etc. I learn at my own pace and I have to get that I can't hand out information I don't fully understand.
As Winston Churchill said, "Continuous Effort - not Strength or Intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."
Let's do the Thanks again:
1. I am thankful my mother who loves me enough to not allow me to die and continually makes me food and gets it to me by whatever way is possible.
2. I am thankful for Norma and Lennette, whom I've worked with for weeks now, they show so much investment, care and kindness to me.
3. I am thankful for Caitlyn, I am constantly baffled by how much she can love, and give. She is so strong, she is the Wonder Woman in my life, she loves me even after I've, time and time again, fucked up!
Friday, May 15, 2015
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Lost
Today, I took a big step forward, I contacted help, a counsellor more precisely.
I didn't think that I would ever need one because I like my father can handle my own problems and nothing is too big for me to not be able to figure it out on my own, I should have a strong brain to work out the equations of my life.
But to be honest, I have too much to think about now!
I am very much of the philosophy "God won't give us more than we can handle" but it's come to a point where I must ask for help and I am not being able to function properly.
I have become more reserved; I feel more alone, sad and doubtful.
I've developed a sore body, because of the pattern of life I have undertaken in this state, I don't exercise like I used to occasionally, but now it's completely non-existent and my diet has included nothing but fast food and sugar. Because of the late nights I've spent with friends and the stress of the days I don't sleep well.
My love life has completely crashed and burned, I feel no ability to love anyone, because I must still be grieving of the loss of, a woman I gave my entire heart to and she broke it and hurt me bad, then left never to be seen again except on occasion. I loved her, I knew what love was, I felt it.
It wasn't complicated... Then it was one day gone.
I've been on a quest since then to find that love again, but because I have struggled with Pornography and I haven't wanted to give my love to anyone again, I can only view the women I desire to get know or possibly pursue in a healthy relationship... in an unhealthy, addictive, lustful way.
I am at a fork in the road currently, if you will.
One path is beautiful, sunny and straight on into the horizon, I can almost see the whole way! However, I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I look down that path.
The other way is covered by a forest that is dark and damp, I can't see 5 feet in front of me but I can see a light through it, and I don't feel unsettled in my stomach when I look that way.
I don't know which way to go. Well, I do know. But I don't want to go down that way. I like lusting after people, to be honest, but I don't want to treat my female friends like objects and I don't want to lose people.
And I want to find that one person I spend the rest of my life with.
I am lost.
My friend has a blog and he has a little thing called his 3 thankful thoughts! I've decided to do that... at least for todays post:
1: I am thankful that I live in a town full of loving, caring people who will listen to you or will just watch a movie with you to help you through.
2: I am thankful for my opportunity to shadow Morris as he directs the Wizard of Oz, I've learned and am continuing to learn so much.
3: I am thankful for my parents, mom and dad, who love me with absolutely all love that they can possible give out! I lucked out when God gave me to them 21 years ago.
I didn't think that I would ever need one because I like my father can handle my own problems and nothing is too big for me to not be able to figure it out on my own, I should have a strong brain to work out the equations of my life.
But to be honest, I have too much to think about now!
I am very much of the philosophy "God won't give us more than we can handle" but it's come to a point where I must ask for help and I am not being able to function properly.
I have become more reserved; I feel more alone, sad and doubtful.
I've developed a sore body, because of the pattern of life I have undertaken in this state, I don't exercise like I used to occasionally, but now it's completely non-existent and my diet has included nothing but fast food and sugar. Because of the late nights I've spent with friends and the stress of the days I don't sleep well.
My love life has completely crashed and burned, I feel no ability to love anyone, because I must still be grieving of the loss of, a woman I gave my entire heart to and she broke it and hurt me bad, then left never to be seen again except on occasion. I loved her, I knew what love was, I felt it.
It wasn't complicated... Then it was one day gone.
I've been on a quest since then to find that love again, but because I have struggled with Pornography and I haven't wanted to give my love to anyone again, I can only view the women I desire to get know or possibly pursue in a healthy relationship... in an unhealthy, addictive, lustful way.
I am at a fork in the road currently, if you will.
One path is beautiful, sunny and straight on into the horizon, I can almost see the whole way! However, I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I look down that path.
The other way is covered by a forest that is dark and damp, I can't see 5 feet in front of me but I can see a light through it, and I don't feel unsettled in my stomach when I look that way.
I don't know which way to go. Well, I do know. But I don't want to go down that way. I like lusting after people, to be honest, but I don't want to treat my female friends like objects and I don't want to lose people.
And I want to find that one person I spend the rest of my life with.
I am lost.
My friend has a blog and he has a little thing called his 3 thankful thoughts! I've decided to do that... at least for todays post:
1: I am thankful that I live in a town full of loving, caring people who will listen to you or will just watch a movie with you to help you through.
2: I am thankful for my opportunity to shadow Morris as he directs the Wizard of Oz, I've learned and am continuing to learn so much.
3: I am thankful for my parents, mom and dad, who love me with absolutely all love that they can possible give out! I lucked out when God gave me to them 21 years ago.
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