I went to Calgary today to mostly get fit for a suit at a Moore's which were only located in Calgary (fucking stupid). Mostly because I didn't want to drive in Calgary.
But we (Caleb and I) also went to Calgary to see a show called "We are the body" which was absolutely stunning, the story was captivating I wasn't distracted by the room or audience until the end of the show when I began to get bored, but honestly the three actors we watched put so much passion into the truth of the story they were playing.
I was impressed, I didn't feel super affected by the play emotionally except for when some sound cues got intense or when insinuation of rape came into conversation.
Absolutely incredible.
We picked up Caitlyn at her place and first off, I have to say that her family has one of the most beautiful houses I've ever seen, It overlooks a pond, it's the last on the street, and it's big and nice.
I was nervous to pick her up because I started out on the wrong foot with her family and I can't seem to shake my shame I feel toward them over her daughter and how I approached our relationship (when we had one). It's unfortunate, but a lot of my decisions and actions are based off of, previous mistakes that I have made or felt I've made, and that I can't comprehend anymore because they were either really horrible or shameful. I then can't move on healthily because I'm back by a previous experience and I am so apologetic against myself.
Caleb and I had really lovely talk on the way back from Calgary about ourselves, life, love, loss and numerous amount of other things. I was brought to realize that I don't listen as well as I think I do. I also don't give myself the opportunity to really invest into anything, I just seem to head things off at the pass and that's the end of it. I hold myself back from learning, from growing. I get comfortable in who I am, where I am. I don't want to help anyone out because I don't want to, or I don't want to listen to people because I'm bored and I don't care.
I need give myself more room and space to feel. I need to be uncomfortable sometimes, I have to push past my disinterest and get the work done. I don't show my work trail, I just do and leave. I don't see and analyze.
What's with that?
I have to realize that I'm not the most experienced, the most intelligent, the most dramatic, the most wise, etc. I learn at my own pace and I have to get that I can't hand out information I don't fully understand.
As Winston Churchill said, "Continuous Effort - not Strength or Intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."
Let's do the Thanks again:
1. I am thankful my mother who loves me enough to not allow me to die and continually makes me food and gets it to me by whatever way is possible.
2. I am thankful for Norma and Lennette, whom I've worked with for weeks now, they show so much investment, care and kindness to me.
3. I am thankful for Caitlyn, I am constantly baffled by how much she can love, and give. She is so strong, she is the Wonder Woman in my life, she loves me even after I've, time and time again, fucked up!
