I can't help but hurt

Today.
Today, was a bad day.

I woke up and thought immediately of the fact that it's Opening day for Little Women the 359 show.
YAY!
For them.
For me, it is remembered as one of the worst days of my life. I got dumped on my opening night of my first 359 show. So there's that.

Then I had class, it was wonderful.
I did my monologue. And then I went to work and I had a great shift, I worked fast.
Then I shovelled the walk outside the office, just to do some non-logical labour work.

Then it got bad again.

I began to think about Kait.

"Fuck off Heart!"

One of my new quotes I've been saying. It's being a nuisance. I care too much. I love too easily. I just want to stop hurting.

I continue to get in my own way as I am attempting to live in the same world as Kait, and be her friend because I don't want to lose her, but I might.
I don't even want her to like me back anymore, I feel so pathetic, I feel the exact same way I felt in high school. Towards women.

She is who she is.

My stupid heart won't take a hint. I think because it already knows it's lost. It's holding on with everything.

Fuck off Heart!



I then had a terrible shift at the Mercantile. I worked with Frances which is always great. She's cute, she's funny, good lady. but I was grumpy, and I was so easily pissed off, I was scared that I would lose it on a patron a some points.
And then I saw Caleb and Caitlyn "relationing" in the corner, and I just about lost it. Not that I care about Caitlyn that way anymore, but because I feel so alone, I want that. I also still am hurt immensely by the broken friendship I now have with them both. Well, and it's dumpage day for me. Caitlyn was having the time of her life today, and all I could think for the class was "let nobody fuck with your feelings today, it's your day today"

And here I am typing out on here my crap day. AFter I flirted heavily with a first year student (again) I just seem so desperate.

I need to get my life in check. I need to be the best I can if i'm going to survive in this profession and do well.

Never give all the heart
W. B. Yeats, 1865 - 1939

"Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost."

Fuck. Off. Heart.

Another Typical PornFree Monday

A lonely heart will stay alert.
A happy heart will dance.

At a loss of words, at a second glance;
My breath quickens at the thought.

How can I? How could I?
But why?

We fly so high only to fall so much farther.
We venture so deep only to be let down much quicker.
We give so much only to be forgotten much sooner.

I am in between.
Our self worth is only what we have.
We try to give more and we come from deception.

Found.
Nothing interesting.
Keep looking.
Just leave it be.

I still have no words to use.
Can't craft many things out of the little vocabulary I know,
But that should not stop me.
It will not stop me.

I am writing...
It is. It is not. It is not good.

Don't worry brain. Let me help you from here.
I am in control. I have always been in control.
With me, with body, with heart.

Grown? Learned? Ready?
None...
But Here.

"Before you get old..."

Well.
I seem to be back here again. Typing into the ether.

Couple things.
I feel fat right now.
I crushed my serving shift tonight.
and I'm not happy with who I am.

I was told yesterday that I horribly failed my acting coaching midterm. I mean I knew this, but hearing it from a highly looked up to mentor when you're in your fourth year, really fucking sucks.
I need to be more willing to do things. I need more passion.
I need the passion that I have towards other people in my life.
If I could apply that to everything else that I do, I wouldn't have an issue.

When you realise you exactly where you were four years ago, it makes you wonder whether what you've done is really worth it. It makes you wonder whether you are ever going to stop being a loser with no motivation for anything.

My director/mentor told me that I reminded him of Hamlet.

I was ecstatic.

But

Then he explained. He said I am living in the 'To be or not to be' speech. He said one of Hamlets major character flaws is that he doesn't ever commit, he doesn't ever make a decision, but instead ponders the outcomes of IF he makes one. And that's what ends up screwing him over in the end.
He never grows.
Ophelia doesn't want to be with him because he is indecisive. or at least one reason.

I can't seem to will myself into my own life. It just seems unhappy and boring and painful.

My desire to succeed and do the work needs to be way through the roof.

I was also told that I am in a dip in my life. I was being worried about by other people.
Things need to change. I need to stop enjoying my depression. I need to stop feeding from the darkness.

I am so alone.
I am so alone, that I am spending all the time I can with my ex, because I find her wonderful. I feel like myself entirely when I am around her. I feel no higher comfort than with her, even though it's awkward at times. I think about her a lot. Especially lately, I miss her a lot.

I am really lonely. But also I a not alone, I have many people around me, but I am still lonely.
I miss cuddling. and just embracing in silence.

I am fucked up.

I also am absolutely WRECKED by my feelings surrounding Kait. I don't get it. Well, I do. My love is true. But I don't even know if it's love anymore, it's turned into a monster, it's an obsession. I cannot get over her. Mostly because whenever I see her, my heart melts. And I am completely entranced.

Help me.

I am also getting a lot of attention from the certs. They are flirting with me and texting me and just giving me attention.
I don't want it, because partly I don't feel I deserve it. I'm not attractive. I don't want to be strictly pigeon holed as the funny guy. I don't have time. My feelings are madly preoccupied with someone else. And any feeling I do have, is mostly sexual. I am just in trouble.

I've been really low for a while now. I don't get much sleep anymore. And I just don't have any real interest in anything anymore, except my obsession of being loved.

I need to step up my game. I need to take charge of my life. I need to find the passion that is in me somewhere.

And I need to focus on going back to training all of myself.


Let's do a quote because I like quotes.
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald