Today.
Today, was a bad day.
I woke up and thought immediately of the fact that it's Opening day for Little Women the 359 show.
YAY!
For them.
For me, it is remembered as one of the worst days of my life. I got dumped on my opening night of my first 359 show. So there's that.
Then I had class, it was wonderful.
I did my monologue. And then I went to work and I had a great shift, I worked fast.
Then I shovelled the walk outside the office, just to do some non-logical labour work.
Then it got bad again.
I began to think about Kait.
"Fuck off Heart!"
One of my new quotes I've been saying. It's being a nuisance. I care too much. I love too easily. I just want to stop hurting.
I continue to get in my own way as I am attempting to live in the same world as Kait, and be her friend because I don't want to lose her, but I might.
I don't even want her to like me back anymore, I feel so pathetic, I feel the exact same way I felt in high school. Towards women.
She is who she is.
My stupid heart won't take a hint. I think because it already knows it's lost. It's holding on with everything.
Fuck off Heart!
I then had a terrible shift at the Mercantile. I worked with Frances which is always great. She's cute, she's funny, good lady. but I was grumpy, and I was so easily pissed off, I was scared that I would lose it on a patron a some points.
And then I saw Caleb and Caitlyn "relationing" in the corner, and I just about lost it. Not that I care about Caitlyn that way anymore, but because I feel so alone, I want that. I also still am hurt immensely by the broken friendship I now have with them both. Well, and it's dumpage day for me. Caitlyn was having the time of her life today, and all I could think for the class was "let nobody fuck with your feelings today, it's your day today"
And here I am typing out on here my crap day. AFter I flirted heavily with a first year student (again) I just seem so desperate.
I need to get my life in check. I need to be the best I can if i'm going to survive in this profession and do well.
Never give all the heart
W. B. Yeats, 1865 - 1939
"Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost."
Fuck. Off. Heart.
