Well.
I seem to be back here again. Typing into the ether.
Couple things.
I feel fat right now.
I crushed my serving shift tonight.
and I'm not happy with who I am.
I was told yesterday that I horribly failed my acting coaching midterm. I mean I knew this, but hearing it from a highly looked up to mentor when you're in your fourth year, really fucking sucks.
I need to be more willing to do things. I need more passion.
I need the passion that I have towards other people in my life.
If I could apply that to everything else that I do, I wouldn't have an issue.
When you realise you exactly where you were four years ago, it makes you wonder whether what you've done is really worth it. It makes you wonder whether you are ever going to stop being a loser with no motivation for anything.
My director/mentor told me that I reminded him of Hamlet.
I was ecstatic.
But
Then he explained. He said I am living in the 'To be or not to be' speech. He said one of Hamlets major character flaws is that he doesn't ever commit, he doesn't ever make a decision, but instead ponders the outcomes of IF he makes one. And that's what ends up screwing him over in the end.
He never grows.
Ophelia doesn't want to be with him because he is indecisive. or at least one reason.
I can't seem to will myself into my own life. It just seems unhappy and boring and painful.
My desire to succeed and do the work needs to be way through the roof.
I was also told that I am in a dip in my life. I was being worried about by other people.
Things need to change. I need to stop enjoying my depression. I need to stop feeding from the darkness.
I am so alone.
I am so alone, that I am spending all the time I can with my ex, because I find her wonderful. I feel like myself entirely when I am around her. I feel no higher comfort than with her, even though it's awkward at times. I think about her a lot. Especially lately, I miss her a lot.
I am really lonely. But also I a not alone, I have many people around me, but I am still lonely.
I miss cuddling. and just embracing in silence.
I am fucked up.
I also am absolutely WRECKED by my feelings surrounding Kait. I don't get it. Well, I do. My love is true. But I don't even know if it's love anymore, it's turned into a monster, it's an obsession. I cannot get over her. Mostly because whenever I see her, my heart melts. And I am completely entranced.
Help me.
I am also getting a lot of attention from the certs. They are flirting with me and texting me and just giving me attention.
I don't want it, because partly I don't feel I deserve it. I'm not attractive. I don't want to be strictly pigeon holed as the funny guy. I don't have time. My feelings are madly preoccupied with someone else. And any feeling I do have, is mostly sexual. I am just in trouble.
I've been really low for a while now. I don't get much sleep anymore. And I just don't have any real interest in anything anymore, except my obsession of being loved.
I need to step up my game. I need to take charge of my life. I need to find the passion that is in me somewhere.
And I need to focus on going back to training all of myself.
Let's do a quote because I like quotes.
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
