Full.
That's how I feel today.
I watched the 3rd years do their Faith and Art presents and I was so proud of them.
I was reminded that all of us are people, not that I've had a trouble with it, but I needed to witness it today.
I have had a rough couple of weeks.
In a lot of ways.
I have been stressed beyond measure and I have tried to juggle way too many things at once.
But the big thing is, and it always seems to be this.. my love life feels like it's going down the toilet, and feels like it has been for awhile.
I just don't get it.
I want love, true love, so bad that it seems it's having the reverse effect. I just don't understand why I just can't seem to get anything right!
I also can't let go very easily.
Jesse is over. That took 2 years but it's done. Just kind of wish that we had talked more.
Caitlyn is a strange case, I care, I don't have feelings to be in a relationship anymore, but I can't handle her with other guys... and I have to be. Right? I have no grounds here. It's just that I want to hold onto that hope I guess.
Frances, I bonded with and I truly enjoy getting to know her and chatting, but because we connected physically a lot quicker than we should've I now feel a connection to her, and now that I see her flirting with others (as I do) I can't handle it. I want to hold onto that possibility that we could work potentially. But again, I have no grounds, and I just need to move on.
Kait, I thought I was over her, and I was for awhile. But recently I've realized something towards her never left. It was there, and now I'm trying to keep a proper friendly distance so I don't have trouble. But it's not working super well.
Cassie, nothing here, but I worry for the future month. Guess we'll hope for the best.
Every girl I seem to touch, every relationship I seem to jump into is just poison. It hurts me and it hurts me bad. When I want to do right, I seem to do wrong.
I heard a quote, and I think it was from a comic book (Green Arrow?) or maybe it just quoted it from elsewhere but it's...
"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming."
Life sure as hell seems to be pulling back slowly. Fuck.
I have also been making a life shift which is challenging to say the least, I've been off pornography for almost 3 weeks now, and off masturbation for about a week. And I've also been reading a fantastic book, Every Young Man's Battle and it's incredibly helpful. I'm trying to work out more and eat better. I've been having mood shifts though and I've been coming up against myself more often now. I don't understand. I guess making a massive change of accepting physical love and then rejecting it is harsh, but it's ultimately something that I want to do, in my heart. I've thought of myself as a physical person, and I think I still am, but I also believe that it can be trained, and this book is helping me achieve this. But man is it hard.
I want to be that kind hearted, happy spirited, exercised, well versed, adventurous, good christian man that I know that I could be.
I want my Lord to be in me, but I'm not quite sure how to get there at the moment.
I seem to be beating myself up about a performance that I did last night, I had to sing, and I practiced for that performance because I wanted to own it, it was my last one so I had to do well, and I knew that song in and out.
But
Disaster struck and I forgot my second verse. Gone. Nada!
I mean I looked good, and sounded good. But I wrecked my mojo. totally. Fucked it up. bad. And I'm ashamed. And I feel that I've let all my instructors down, because it seemed like I wasn't prepared but I was this time. And it didn't come off that way.
I want to cry. HARD. I want to be held. I want to be told I matter. I want to be told I'm better than I think I am. I want to know that my presence on earth matters. I want to believe in myself. I want to be honest. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved genuinely.
