I seem to be alone.
I know I'm not.
Or do I?
I have been immersing myself in my project and I see no one except my crew. I am so stressed because I have so much still to do
Yet I am not doing anything else.
I'm killing my extrovert.
I don't see anyone. And sure, I don't make the effort. But the people I do want to see, seem like they're just fine without seeing me.
All the people I used to hang out with don't seem to hang out with me anymore.
For some,
There's a problem between them and I.
Is that my fault?
For others,
It's that they've found someone else to hangout with.
For the rest,
They've moved away.
I'm seeing a lot more of alone time.
I just want to be loved, but I think I'm done here.
I think I've started to overstay my welcome here in Rosebud.
It's a thing that I do. I overstay.
I've had best friends during my time here. But now I look back at my four years as I'm standing here, and I realize, that I'm just alone. They were temporary. Most of the men here that I've been friends with have had falling out with me. They either take advantage or become hostile.
Maybe that's my fault.
My birthday is in less than a week and I don't think anyone knows or cares besides my family.
Lots of other people have had the privilege of this love and recognition. But I'm not feeling it.
My newest best friend,
She's gone away now, she's gone home. And I notice that she's gone. I miss her very, very much. I want her to come back.
But I won't see much of her now, because I'm graduating.
I feel like I'm getting depressed again. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, but I sure haven't felt it loosen it's grip on me since I acquired it.
I don't feel close to anyone left in town. I feel like a burden. I want to cry. I want to be held.
I do feel like a burden to people. I feel tolerated. I don't feel genuinely appreciated by really anyone. It all feels fake to me.
I know it's a dark path. And I think I'm too vain and too afraid to actually do something. But I have thought that if I didn't have my family still around. What would I do? Would I actually feel the need to keep living?
But I'm not going to anything rash.
I'm not.
I love them.
