I've had a terrible night.
I haven't slept at all.
I had a meltdown. And I cried myself to sleep.
I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore.
All the friends I thought that I could talk to have either moved away, I haven't built enough trust between them, or something has happened to cause a rift.
I'm so stressed about this week. I just want my project over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want it to stop.
I'm finished.
I've given all that I can give right now. I can't give anymore. I can just give what I have.
I have no one to hold me. I have no one to be there for me right now.
That's what I wanted last night most of all was to cry into someones chest. But I had to cry in a ball on my bed. And I fell asleep... or at least for an hour.
I was at a wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful but it was too much.
Love.
The thing that I never seem to have.
And after the week prior to it, it was hard to sit and witness.
I've lost someone very, very dear to me. I can't go back to her, because it's not fair to her or me.
And because I feel like we've broken up our friendship/relationship, I truly feel heartbroken.
My heart was in actual pain last night.
They started to dance at the wedding and I couldn't stay there, it was different standing there last night in contrast to the Schmidt wedding. Where I still had hope.
But now that is gone.
I didn't want to dance. Not alone. Not with anyone. Except one. And I couldn't, she was gone, and she doesn't want me anymore.
It would've felt fake. Like I was trying to cover it up.
So I left.
I couldn't bear the pain my heart is being put through.
I shouldn't have given it so openly and deeply. I feel so much hurt that I'm still crying as I write this.
It doesn't feel like I can love again. And that is so ridiculously cliche, but it's how I feel.
I just have to somehow survive this week of stress, heartache, family, and education. Also I'm jobless at the moment, so I have no cash flow of any sort.
I just want to stay in bed forever. I feel like I have kind of lost the will to push on.
It's what being in love feels like I guess.
That sounded so pathetic.
