Well, here again.
Never thought I'd need to chat with you again.
For awhile anyway. Guess it has been.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm in deep. I'm in love. And I've known that I've needed to get over this girl many of times before. But this time, it's different. This time, I've been reassured that there is NO POSSIBLE CHANCE OF US GETTING TOGETHER.
EVER.
So that's exciting. And the stupid thing is, I can't go find someone else because that's just not fair.
To me.
Her.
It's not.
I'm not in a place to do that. I need to move on. But I need to move on, with myself. Which is difficult considering that I'm kind of horny dude, who likes a lot of women.
And I've tried to stop the whole pornography thing before. It's never worked out in the long run because my sexual energy is extremely high. I need to find a way to control that energy, off put it elsewhere.
So I've started to adopt and research practices and lifestyle of celibates, and more specifically, celibate religious members. I am attempting to step back entirely from the whole ordeal. Which means the bottom line is that I cannot date anyone. Period.
Now.
This is a temporary agreement I've made. But that doesn't douse the meaning of it all.
Let's hope it helps.
I see so many people happy, I see so many things working out for people. And I just hate watching it because I want it so bad. But I don't. Because deep down, I want SOMEONE so bad. And I've finally realized that my issue was that I didn't want to let go. But have to. Have to.
I hear rumblings that people like me and stuff like that, but I don't want to pursue, mostly because I don't want to hurt them, even if I was just trying things out. I don't want to start something again that I can't finish.
I need to find myself.
Find God.
Find my desires.
Find everything that makes me whole.
I'm on quite a ride. And it's killing me from the inside out. But I'm still breathing.
For some reason.
I suppose.
