I'm Fine.

Tonight has been one of those nights where I recognize how lonely I am.
And that's not a bad thing, by all means.

No, What I mean is that I wish I had someone to come home to, and vice versa, I wish I was somebody that someone could come home to as well.

I really was feeling the weight of the day, especially near the end of the day. I came home from a shift at Kith & Kin, and I'll tell you that I would've given anything...

and, yes, I do mean anything...

..to be able to go into the arms of someone that I loved and loved me to kiss and to hold.

I wish that I was able to do exactly what I did tonight, just with someone beside me.

Come home, tidy up.
Make a quick, bland meal.
Make some tea.
Set out some laundry.
Set up my computer/TV.
Answer some emails.
Pull up Netflix.
And watch Gilmore Girls with my slippers in the glimpses of lamplight cascading from my bedside table.

I wish that it wasn't so hard to find someone.

But truly. find. someone.

I want to be able to tell someone my hopes.
My dreams.
The stupid ideas I've had throughout the day that could potentially be fantastic.

I wish I had someone to encourage me to move forward, even if what lies ahead is foggy and mysterious.

It doesn't help that I get flustered easily around anyone I find kind, chill, pleasant, fun, and enjoyable, and doubly so if they happen to be the opposite gender.
So I end up saying things I don't mean,
or cracking jokes I don't want to,
or being macho,
or playing it cool,
or showing off,
or not being genuine.

Which prevents me from being the true inner Geordie I want people to see.

This whole adult thing is hard. But I don't want to be a child anymore. So I must.

The good, the bad, and the poetry

As I live in this hell
She seems to be near
Living and breathing
Her own fucking life here

As I live in this hell
Ive got to move passed it
In order to find
A way out of this shit

As I live in this hell
My heart seems to ache
With every glance of her face
Or even her namesake

As I live in this hell
I'm reminded and sad
The loving, the stupid
And the hurt that I've had

As I live in this hell
It's time I must go
Forced into the dark
I trudge along slow

As I live in this hell
She will not rule me
Day in and day out
It's time I break free

A Mouse Hunt

What is happening to me?
My life feels so stagnant and unlucky right now.

I can't talk to one of my closest friends right now.
I'm stuck in a job that's barely paying me a living wage.
I feel out of place because I am not a student and don't fit in with the crowd because I'm trying to also not be a part of the student body.
I have a FUCKING MOUSE IN MY SUITE!
I'm not sleeping well.
I don't know what I'm going to do in the upcoming months to help pay for food and stuff.

I'm just so stressed right now.

And then to top it all off I came into rehearsal for the 2nd year student Christmas show to shadow the director and I got some aggression from Caitlyn, for bringing my supper into rehearsal?? Probably reading into it too much, but it was said with such disdain as if I had just destroyed her life. I haven't done anything that I'm aware of, so I'm confused as to why I was given hostility.

I also broke really hard the other day, I looked at pornography and I feel just fucking awful, every time I look, I feel as though my life is falling apart and skidding across the pavement. I don't feel adequate enough to even live. I shouldn't be stuck in this loop of shit.

I can't pursue dating because of this addiction and also because I don't know when and if I'd relapse over the person that I can't seem to get over. There's a person I want to ask out on a legitimate date but I don't want to be unfair.

I feel like I should give up on my spiritual life and I feel like I should I just not try. It's just terrible.

I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I should be acting like an adult and treating my mentors like colleagues and friends but where do I go for answers to things I don't know.

What is happening in my life? Why am I going through this shitty period?

Help me.
Someone.
Something.