Mark Twain: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Well.

It seems it's come to that time.
The time to go to work in the morning.

I mean I should be excited, right? I'm getting paid finally.

But, I'm not terribly excited, you see. I'm nervous.

I'm frightened. I've got anxiety. I'm nauseated. I am scared.

I don't know anyone I'm working for. I don't have a fantastic working track record, or ethic.

I'm worried.
I feel like a lost boy.

It feels like the first day of college again.
I want to cry. I want to cry hard.

What if it doesn't go well, and I get fired?
What if the bosses are huge dicks, and it makes my life hell?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really, really don't.

But the bottom line, is that I have to. And I will go. Up at 6, off just after 7, and work at 8.

I'm not comfortable. This is out of my comfort zone. But I suppose there's a quote out there about that...

Hmm...

I believe it's said by Neale Donald Walsch, an american christian author...

"Life begins where your comfort zone ends"

And boy, am I uncomfortable. I wished, and prayed for so long to get a well-paying job, and now I've landed one.
So why does it feel so scary and wrong?





These songs, this music, this man. Seem to be calming my nerves.
I am truly afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to go to bed.

But It' getting later, and later, as I type, and I type.

I can feel it approaching...
The time to go to sleep...
or try to...

Deep breath in...


and out..


and in...


out...

Rockabye Baby, Don't you cry.

As I sit here. Preparing to go to bed.
Slightly frustrated at my understandably deaf brother watching a movie in the next room with the sound up so he can hear it.
I can't help but feel lonely.

In Rosebud, I was surrounded by so many people, people who seemed to care, or some who actually did.
Now, at home. There's just my family, and maybe one married friend.

I write letters to people that I care about, in Nova Scotia, the States, Rosebud.
I message them.
I text them.
I post to them.

But I don't ever seem to get any sort of response, unless I make the first move. And even then...

I mean, this has happened my whole life. A sort of one-sided friendship, HELL, I'm MCing my best friends wedding in May, and he's never once talked to me of his own accord unless he needed something, but he's still my greatest friend.

So I'm not really bothered by it. It teaches me to love myself. Make my own life. Focus on myself.

I don't expect anything. Truly.

It's just these quiet moments I really feel it, you know?
Just lonely. That's all.

Being a single 22 year old while most of your friends are one of the following: Married, Engaged, Dating, about to be dating doesn't help either.

Also the whole not getting a job either. I've been applying for almost 2 straight months now and I've had no bites. None. I have very little money, and I can't do anything outside of my home. It's like I'm 10 again, but not going to school. Very depressing situation. Here's to hope.

Although, I'm feeling great in all other aspects. I'm working out, and dieting which has placed in a very proud fitness position at the moment. I have a loving family with anything I need. I'm healthy. I'm reading more often. I'm writing. I'm applying for auditions.


I'm listening to Rockabye by Clean Bandit Feat. Anne-Marie & Sean Paul. Non-stop, it's my song at the moment. It's catchy. I like it a lot.





Goodnight All.