I'm not over her...
That's a concept that is difficult to handle, I thought I was done. I thought that I had finished it.
I'm not done, it's not done. She is done. She has another boyfriend and has had one since a few months after we broke up, she seems happy... happier than she ever was with me.
It's been coming up on two years since it was broken off. I can't believe that I've held on to this for so long. I should be over this by now, shouldn't I?
Why can't it be finished so I can move on and love others..?
Where's the answer?
Apparently nowhere to be found. I feel alone. I feel wrong. I feel sad. Constantly sad. Maybe I'm forcing the sadness because I like it. I wake up some mornings to find that I have no hope for the future, it's gone, along with yesterday's breakfast.
Can I not forgive her?
Is that it? I mean she didn't cheat on me as far as I know, so why am I so focused on it. Why is it slowly killing me? It's over and has been for a long time now.
As a friend said, I'm the one who is fucked up!
I just keep fixating on the fact that I was naïve and stupid and so, so in love.
but you see, there's the kicker, I wasn't just in love with her... I was head over heels, every time I walked through the door and saw her my knees buckled adored her!
She was the reason that made me understand what love was, real love.
And one of the worst parts about this is that I can't give my love to any one else, no matter how badly I want to. I gave what I thought was my heart to another person but it turns out it was just my loneliness and selfishness. I hurt this girl. I teased her. I've apologized more than I can ever think to count to this woman.
And now all I want from her, is to run as far as she can away from me. That's the best thing in my mind for her to do. That way I can't hurt her any more.
Seriously, I don't and never did deserve the love that that woman gave to me.
I never thanked her for it. I took it and swallowed it and stomped on it and sucked her dry of love until I broke her down, made her sad.
How could I be so stupid?
I've ruined any chance that I could ever hope to have with her in the future, even if she is the one for me. I fucked up that opportunity because I can't unlove someone else.
I am pitying myself. But I am growing, I am a deeper person than I was a few years ago. What's next for me to do?
I'm not over my first love. My first real love.
And I want to love again, so I don't lie to myself or others anymore.
