Soy (Which actually meant to spell Spy but it was funny so i left it)

I have been so stupid.
It seems that I have harmed more than I have bettered. I also seem to sway from one end of the dramatic emotion spectrum to the other, but I can forgive myself of it because I'm an actor.

I'm entitled to be dramatic.

I have been trying to justify a situation that happened to me lately.
Basically, I loved someone but was selfish and didn't give her what she deserved to have, and then she finally made a decision, the right one, to not pursue me anymore and she started to put that focus somewhere else, my knowledgeable friend Caleb. Now what?

She likes one of my best friends and I flipped out. I didn't talk to him for a few days, because I "needed to teach him something" and I wanted him to find out how much I mean to him.

Why?

I wanted to justify my pain.

I don't need to. I love her still, but that pain has been a long time coming, considering all the pain I put her through. I'm allowed to feel my pain. I'm allowed to not like the idea of them starting something. But I cannot tell them what they can and cannot do, I can only take care of myself.

I was reading a blog today. I read all of the posts. I didn't do anything else during this time of "casual reading". At the end of reading these posts, I felt like the most loved, biggest doofus and most tolerated individual on the face of this planet. I wish that I could go back in time and fix anything that went wrong or go back and turn my focus slightly another way, to someone who should've had it. But what would that have done in the end. I wouldn't have learned how to improve myself or to grow.

I wish that I could go back to the first time I found Caitlyn interesting and not have kissed her. I wish that she would have been single when I did. Things would have turned out much differently if the terms we started our relationship on were new. Who knows what would have happened then. No one perhaps?

...Oh! Except possibly the Big Guy.

My counsellor (let's call her, Dot for privacy reasons) has been telling me that I have control over myself and that's all. I also have to give myself the necessary space I need, I can't lie to myself. I have to be able to love myself. Dot asked me if I can stand myself and what I have done purely for my own enjoyment. I replied with the time I went and saw a movie by myself because I wanted to see it and no one else wanted to. I went on my own to the theatre to watch "The Grand Seduction" and I am so glad that I did because it is now one of my favourite movies I ever watched. I need to be okay with adventuring on my own. I don't need other people, even if that means going on without a hand to hold.

I owe some people an apology. Not because I'm taking back what I've said, or I feel bad about something (even though I do about a lot of things) but mostly because I don't like burning bridges and it's polite to apologize when wrongs have been made.

So I'm Sorry.

You know who you are.

I have been impacted by a woman this past year and the times that she brightened my day even if my face said something else are far too many to count. I have been having trouble sleeping and getting out of bed, because I have no hope. I feel abandoned, even though I'm not and I feel taken advantage of, even though I'm not. I don't see a point in being here, but with the help of God and my daily tasks and the excitement and fear of graduating in a year, I am living well. I don't know what I will do in a year because I will be out of my program and that scares me because I feel lonely enough as it is, when I have no mentors constantly supporting, then what do I do.

We'll wait and find out I guess.

I should finish this post before I start creating bullshit to fill space.

Until next time...


Highlight of the day:
I bought the movie Kingsman. Good Gracious I love Spy movies.

Understand

I love Caitlyn still.

I may not have realised it until this past week when I learned that she wants somebody else.
It hurts.

It's one of the worst pains... to realise what you once had and not be able to have it anymore, or even realise that it's too late to make amends.

I realised that I do love her. I was just too clouded about getting over Jesse that I didn't see what I had. I had a great girl, now I don't.

That's the way life works. Especially when you're being ignorant and oblivious.

But I think one of the worst things about this is that I feel betrayed, I couldn't tell you why but I feel betrayed by my ex and my best friend.

I went to him after my first breakup. The first one I went to, I have told him just about every reason why I liked Caitlyn as well, I told him intimate things about my relationships, I tell him everything wrong with my life and I up until last week expected him to tell me how I would be okay.

And yet he doesn't seem to understand why I am upset with him about starting something with my ex. I tried to talk to him the other day, and I felt like the conversation was going nowhere because everything I would say, he would try to justify his counterpoint. I tried to tell him how I was feeling, attempt to make him understand. I said to him "well what if I started dating your ex" and you know what response he gave me? "Good luck" is what he said, instantly I knew he didn't get it. I was looking for hatred, sadness, something emotional. but what I got was a logical answer.

He gave me a logical answer over an emotional one.

His heart must hurt, but I didn't see it. I wanted him to say to me that he would be upset with me, or it would be hard for him to see me with her.

He doesn't get that. I hope he does. Or maybe he does already, but will he ever show it to me?

Maybe not.

Anyways, I can't do anything about this situation. If he wants to date her and her vice versa, then they have all the right in the world to.

I understand this.
I just don't want to be disregarded.

Sure I broke her heart first. but now mine is breaking. To hear someone say to you that they don't love you anymore, for fucks sake, it takes the life out of you. Especially when it was your fault for pushing her away because you felt it wasn't working only because I didn't realise how I needed to live. I realised tonight that I want someone who can stand on their own two feet, but also want to feel protected. I realised that I treasure my alone time a lot, I like to be in my own world away from anyone else, and have to only care about me. I do begin to worry when I am with someone, so I text them to check in and see if they are alright. This doesn't mean that I want to talk, I just want to know that you're still there and ) don't need to worry.

Fuck. it hurts to love a girl you pushed away who loved you but now doesn't because she likes your best friend.

Good thing I'm seeing a counsellor.

Not Over Yet

I'm not over her...

That's a concept that is difficult to handle, I thought I was done. I thought that I had finished it.

I'm not done, it's not done. She is done. She has another boyfriend and has had one since a few months after we broke up, she seems happy... happier than she ever was with me.
It's been coming up on two years since it was broken off. I can't believe that I've held on to this for so long. I should be over this by now, shouldn't I?
Why can't it be finished so I can move on and love others..?

Where's the answer?

Apparently nowhere to be found. I feel alone. I feel wrong. I feel sad. Constantly sad. Maybe I'm forcing the sadness because I like it. I wake up some mornings to find that I have no hope for the future, it's gone, along with yesterday's breakfast.
Can I not forgive her?
Is that it? I mean she didn't cheat on me as far as I know, so why am I so focused on it. Why is it slowly killing me? It's over and has been for a long time now.

As a friend said, I'm the one who is fucked up!

I just keep fixating on the fact that I was naïve and stupid and so, so in love.

but you see, there's the kicker, I wasn't just in love with her... I was head over heels, every time I walked through the door and saw her my knees buckled adored her!
She was the reason that made me understand what love was, real love.

And one of the worst parts about this is that I can't give my love to any one else, no matter how badly I want to. I gave what I thought was my heart to another person but it turns out it was just my loneliness and selfishness. I hurt this girl. I teased her. I've apologized more than I can ever think to count to this woman.

And now all I want from her, is to run as far as she can away from me. That's the best thing in my mind for her to do. That way I can't hurt her any more.

Seriously, I don't and never did deserve the love that that woman gave to me.

I never thanked her for it. I took it and swallowed it and stomped on it and sucked her dry of love until I broke her down, made her sad.

How could I be so stupid?
I've ruined any chance that I could ever hope to have with her in the future, even if she is the one for me. I fucked up that opportunity because I can't unlove someone else.

I am pitying myself. But I am growing, I am a deeper person than I was a few years ago. What's next for me to do?

I'm not over my first love. My first real love.
And I want to love again, so I don't lie to myself or others anymore.