I have been so stupid.
It seems that I have harmed more than I have bettered. I also seem to sway from one end of the dramatic emotion spectrum to the other, but I can forgive myself of it because I'm an actor.
I'm entitled to be dramatic.
I have been trying to justify a situation that happened to me lately.
Basically, I loved someone but was selfish and didn't give her what she deserved to have, and then she finally made a decision, the right one, to not pursue me anymore and she started to put that focus somewhere else, my knowledgeable friend Caleb. Now what?
She likes one of my best friends and I flipped out. I didn't talk to him for a few days, because I "needed to teach him something" and I wanted him to find out how much I mean to him.
Why?
I wanted to justify my pain.
I don't need to. I love her still, but that pain has been a long time coming, considering all the pain I put her through. I'm allowed to feel my pain. I'm allowed to not like the idea of them starting something. But I cannot tell them what they can and cannot do, I can only take care of myself.
I was reading a blog today. I read all of the posts. I didn't do anything else during this time of "casual reading". At the end of reading these posts, I felt like the most loved, biggest doofus and most tolerated individual on the face of this planet. I wish that I could go back in time and fix anything that went wrong or go back and turn my focus slightly another way, to someone who should've had it. But what would that have done in the end. I wouldn't have learned how to improve myself or to grow.
I wish that I could go back to the first time I found Caitlyn interesting and not have kissed her. I wish that she would have been single when I did. Things would have turned out much differently if the terms we started our relationship on were new. Who knows what would have happened then. No one perhaps?
...Oh! Except possibly the Big Guy.
My counsellor (let's call her, Dot for privacy reasons) has been telling me that I have control over myself and that's all. I also have to give myself the necessary space I need, I can't lie to myself. I have to be able to love myself. Dot asked me if I can stand myself and what I have done purely for my own enjoyment. I replied with the time I went and saw a movie by myself because I wanted to see it and no one else wanted to. I went on my own to the theatre to watch "The Grand Seduction" and I am so glad that I did because it is now one of my favourite movies I ever watched. I need to be okay with adventuring on my own. I don't need other people, even if that means going on without a hand to hold.
I owe some people an apology. Not because I'm taking back what I've said, or I feel bad about something (even though I do about a lot of things) but mostly because I don't like burning bridges and it's polite to apologize when wrongs have been made.
So I'm Sorry.
You know who you are.
I have been impacted by a woman this past year and the times that she brightened my day even if my face said something else are far too many to count. I have been having trouble sleeping and getting out of bed, because I have no hope. I feel abandoned, even though I'm not and I feel taken advantage of, even though I'm not. I don't see a point in being here, but with the help of God and my daily tasks and the excitement and fear of graduating in a year, I am living well. I don't know what I will do in a year because I will be out of my program and that scares me because I feel lonely enough as it is, when I have no mentors constantly supporting, then what do I do.
We'll wait and find out I guess.
I should finish this post before I start creating bullshit to fill space.
Until next time...
Highlight of the day:
I bought the movie Kingsman. Good Gracious I love Spy movies.
