I love Caitlyn still.
I may not have realised it until this past week when I learned that she wants somebody else.
It hurts.
It's one of the worst pains... to realise what you once had and not be able to have it anymore, or even realise that it's too late to make amends.
I realised that I do love her. I was just too clouded about getting over Jesse that I didn't see what I had. I had a great girl, now I don't.
That's the way life works. Especially when you're being ignorant and oblivious.
But I think one of the worst things about this is that I feel betrayed, I couldn't tell you why but I feel betrayed by my ex and my best friend.
I went to him after my first breakup. The first one I went to, I have told him just about every reason why I liked Caitlyn as well, I told him intimate things about my relationships, I tell him everything wrong with my life and I up until last week expected him to tell me how I would be okay.
And yet he doesn't seem to understand why I am upset with him about starting something with my ex. I tried to talk to him the other day, and I felt like the conversation was going nowhere because everything I would say, he would try to justify his counterpoint. I tried to tell him how I was feeling, attempt to make him understand. I said to him "well what if I started dating your ex" and you know what response he gave me? "Good luck" is what he said, instantly I knew he didn't get it. I was looking for hatred, sadness, something emotional. but what I got was a logical answer.
He gave me a logical answer over an emotional one.
His heart must hurt, but I didn't see it. I wanted him to say to me that he would be upset with me, or it would be hard for him to see me with her.
He doesn't get that. I hope he does. Or maybe he does already, but will he ever show it to me?
Maybe not.
Anyways, I can't do anything about this situation. If he wants to date her and her vice versa, then they have all the right in the world to.
I understand this.
I just don't want to be disregarded.
Sure I broke her heart first. but now mine is breaking. To hear someone say to you that they don't love you anymore, for fucks sake, it takes the life out of you. Especially when it was your fault for pushing her away because you felt it wasn't working only because I didn't realise how I needed to live. I realised tonight that I want someone who can stand on their own two feet, but also want to feel protected. I realised that I treasure my alone time a lot, I like to be in my own world away from anyone else, and have to only care about me. I do begin to worry when I am with someone, so I text them to check in and see if they are alright. This doesn't mean that I want to talk, I just want to know that you're still there and ) don't need to worry.
Fuck. it hurts to love a girl you pushed away who loved you but now doesn't because she likes your best friend.
Good thing I'm seeing a counsellor.
