The crying isn't stopping...

I've had a terrible night.
I haven't slept at all.

I had a meltdown. And I cried myself to sleep.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore.
All the friends I thought that I could talk to have either moved away, I haven't built enough trust between them, or something has happened to cause a rift.

I'm so stressed about this week. I just want my project over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want it to stop.
I'm finished.
I've given all that I can give right now. I can't give anymore. I can just give what I have.

I have no one to hold me. I have no one to be there for me right now.

That's what I wanted last night most of all was to cry into someones chest. But I had to cry in a ball on my bed. And I fell asleep... or at least for an hour.

I was at a wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful but it was too much.
Love.
The thing that I never seem to have.
And after the week prior to it, it was hard to sit and witness.

I've lost someone very, very dear to me. I can't go back to her, because it's not fair to her or me.

And because I feel like we've broken up our friendship/relationship, I truly feel heartbroken.
My heart was in actual pain last night.
They started to dance at the wedding and I couldn't stay there, it was different standing there last night in contrast to the Schmidt wedding. Where I still had hope.
But now that is gone.
I didn't want to dance. Not alone. Not with anyone. Except one. And I couldn't, she was gone, and she doesn't want me anymore.
It would've felt fake. Like I was trying to cover it up.

So I left.
I couldn't bear the pain my heart is being put through.

I shouldn't have given it so openly and deeply. I feel so much hurt that I'm still crying as I write this.
It doesn't feel like I can love again. And that is so ridiculously cliche, but it's how I feel.

I just have to somehow survive this week of stress, heartache, family, and education. Also I'm jobless at the moment, so I have no cash flow of any sort.

I just want to stay in bed forever. I feel like I have kind of lost the will to push on.
It's what being in love feels like I guess.

That sounded so pathetic.

From Love with Care, Goodbye.

Let me tell you a story.

It's about a guy.
Who fell in love with a girl.

I don't want this to sound cliche, but I know that I won't be telling you everything that should be said.

Privacy, Details, Forgetfulness, Necessity.

I fell in love.

And that's difficult to say, because I have fallen in love with a lot of people.
But no one has made me feel the way that she does.
And that could be that I'm in so deep. But it could just be that it was real, and nothing that I projected onto the situation.

I have gotten to know this girl emotionally, and I enjoy her company, because I don' feel like I need anyone else's company when I'm with her. And even now, away from her.

But the catch is that this girl does not feel the same way.
And that is hard.

She doesn't.

And that is okay. Just fine, in fact.

She will feel what she wants and needs to. And I respect that. I just hope now that I don't lose her from my life as a friend because of this difference.

I laugh hardest around her, I feel strongest around her, I feel best around her.
She is a truly incredible friend.

Now, you might say I'm biased because I'm in love.

But as much as that may be the truth, I believe and feel that there is a true friendship underneath it all.

We've gone through a phase of awkward chats and discussion about our status as friends. And all of them have been hard. Not because the truth was spoken, but because I've had to cut off one of my best friends afterwards for a period of time. I don't want to lose her from my life.

Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just let go.
But the world is a scary place and I am unsure where I will be led.
I do, however, strive to be closer to God on this journey forward. I have given this girl my heart, more than once. Now, I can't do anything else. It is not my call to make. And I'm not sure if it's hers anymore. It's the big mans. Almighty.

I just don't understand the confusion that has happened or is happening.
It's so much pain.
More than I've felt. Ever.

She is struggling and I can't help her. And that's what hurts me most. I have no jurisdiction.
My hands must be wiped clean.

And that's the hardest part of this, moving forward.

What do I do with myself? How do I deal with the pain that I feel? The strange sense of calm?

I am pessimistic of the future at the moment. There's little hope.
Help me Lord.
All I can do now about this I guess. Is hope that through you Lord, I find her. And maybe this is where our story does end.
Harsh and Broken and Unsure. And Terrified.

Goodbye. Hope for this must leave now. I have no choice but to show you the door.
I must pray and trust that my life will be presented with gifts that I can't even imagine.

Tears are on their way. I should close now.

Just short of Twenty-two

I seem to be alone.
I know I'm not.
Or do I?

I have been immersing myself in my project and I see no one except my crew. I am so stressed because I have so much still to do
Yet I am not doing anything else.

I'm killing my extrovert.

I don't see anyone. And sure, I don't make the effort. But the people I do want to see, seem like they're just fine without seeing me.
All the people I used to hang out with don't seem to hang out with me anymore.

For some,
There's a problem between them and I.
Is that my fault?

For others,
It's that they've found someone else to hangout with.

For the rest,
They've moved away.


I'm seeing a lot more of alone time.

I just want to be loved, but I think I'm done here.
I think I've started to overstay my welcome here in Rosebud.

It's a thing that I do. I overstay.

I've had best friends during my time here. But now I look back at my four years as I'm standing here, and I realize, that I'm just alone. They were temporary. Most of the men here that I've been friends with have had falling out with me. They either take advantage or become hostile.

Maybe that's my fault.

My birthday is in less than a week and I don't think anyone knows or cares besides my family.

Lots of other people have had the privilege of this love and recognition. But I'm not feeling it.

My newest best friend,
She's gone away now, she's gone home. And I notice that she's gone. I miss her very, very much. I want her to come back.
But I won't see much of her now, because I'm graduating.

I feel like I'm getting depressed again. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, but I sure haven't felt it loosen it's grip on me since I acquired it.
I don't feel close to anyone left in town. I feel like a burden. I want to cry. I want to be held.

I do feel like a burden to people. I feel tolerated. I don't feel genuinely appreciated by really anyone. It all feels fake to me.

I know it's a dark path. And I think I'm too vain and too afraid to actually do something. But I have thought that if I didn't have my family still around. What would I do? Would I actually feel the need to keep living?

But I'm not going to anything rash.
I'm not.

I love them.