Don't really know what to say.
I'm here late at night, unable to fall asleep again.
My melatonin has unfortunately failed me yet again. And I'm left to stare into the black abyss around me.
There's nothing major going on in my life that is keeping me awake, I just am having trouble falling asleep. I do open a show on Wednesday, but I am confident enough in it that I shouldn't feel stressed. Maybe it's because I got to an emotional triumph in rehearsal today with my character but then was unable to crawl out of it. I just didn't know what it was that kept me there, I had to completely disassociate myself from the work in order to crawl out in a healthy manner. It then left me exhausted for the rest of the day. It was a little scary.
I don't have any pressing matters. We talked about Stage Sensuality in rehearsal today as an off-topic topic, and we discussed it's importance in the theatre and how it should be treated like stage combat and dance. It's blocking, and the importance that you emphasize on the intellectual basis of it and trying to remove any form of sexual tension or what not. It was interesting, I've been intrigued by this topic for a while now and want to dig deeper and discover more. (ex. no rehearsal kissing without a third member or crew member present).
Another thing would be that I am still trying to focus on me, and my skills. Consistently improving upon thyself, and building a person you can respect when gazed upon.
Well, that probably didn't make a lot of sense. But I am just trying to fall asleep. Thank you Blog.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Monday, January 9, 2017
Whiskey & Ink Blots
As I sit here doing some script work and figuring out how to improve my current state of being, I decided to take a look around at my surroundings.
I realised I was exactly the right picture of what I wanted to be... My ideal of a man, working hard.
I happened to be using my new fountain pen that I had received for Christmas while I nonchalantly sipped my glass of brandy. I had had quite the revitalising evening which involved a spiritual cleansing at the fault of a worship night led by Centre Street Church, so once I arrived back home I proceeded to just make whatever I happened to be wearing a little more comfortable, a tucked unbuttoned dress shirt barely revealing a white tank top undershirt and Christian chain symbolising the crucifixion around my neck that was complimented by grey chinos and brown belt.
I ruffled my hair throughout the evening to scratch the inevitable itches that bothered me all night which presented a now well-worn clean cut that was reminiscent of Ernest Hemingway in the early hours of the morning.
Scruff and a mustache graced my imperfect face as I repeated the lines over and over aloud as if I were a broken record. Tempted by the alluring physicality of the television, I work hard to pursue my determined goal of self-improvement.
No sound to be heard at all except the scripted words I spat into the air, and the occasional click-clack of the anxiety infused Jack Russell over my head as he paced back and forth from window to window. The dim lights encouraged my environment as I pushed forward in my work, I wasn't clouded by the false sense of light that was my overhead switches, instead I was kissed gently by the lamps and candles I had lit as their dull yellow magic cascaded over my books to help me learn.
The question I have now though that has raced back and forth in my mind for weeks now, is "Who do you want to be?" as I miserably fail in answering this cracker day in and day out. I realise more and more that I don't want to be alone, but am revealed to understand and learn the most when I am. I actively search for the one I think could compliment my undiscovered gold mine of a human being underneath this confused and naïve stature. Finding and establishing a relationship with God was a resolution on my New Year list. I believe that finding that connection and strengthening it will help improve this muddled life of mine and give me meaning. Shifting my focus to self-improvement will increase my level of sanity as I proceed to walk this treacherous path that is unwittingly called life.
I realised I was exactly the right picture of what I wanted to be... My ideal of a man, working hard.
I happened to be using my new fountain pen that I had received for Christmas while I nonchalantly sipped my glass of brandy. I had had quite the revitalising evening which involved a spiritual cleansing at the fault of a worship night led by Centre Street Church, so once I arrived back home I proceeded to just make whatever I happened to be wearing a little more comfortable, a tucked unbuttoned dress shirt barely revealing a white tank top undershirt and Christian chain symbolising the crucifixion around my neck that was complimented by grey chinos and brown belt.
I ruffled my hair throughout the evening to scratch the inevitable itches that bothered me all night which presented a now well-worn clean cut that was reminiscent of Ernest Hemingway in the early hours of the morning.
Scruff and a mustache graced my imperfect face as I repeated the lines over and over aloud as if I were a broken record. Tempted by the alluring physicality of the television, I work hard to pursue my determined goal of self-improvement.
No sound to be heard at all except the scripted words I spat into the air, and the occasional click-clack of the anxiety infused Jack Russell over my head as he paced back and forth from window to window. The dim lights encouraged my environment as I pushed forward in my work, I wasn't clouded by the false sense of light that was my overhead switches, instead I was kissed gently by the lamps and candles I had lit as their dull yellow magic cascaded over my books to help me learn.
The question I have now though that has raced back and forth in my mind for weeks now, is "Who do you want to be?" as I miserably fail in answering this cracker day in and day out. I realise more and more that I don't want to be alone, but am revealed to understand and learn the most when I am. I actively search for the one I think could compliment my undiscovered gold mine of a human being underneath this confused and naïve stature. Finding and establishing a relationship with God was a resolution on my New Year list. I believe that finding that connection and strengthening it will help improve this muddled life of mine and give me meaning. Shifting my focus to self-improvement will increase my level of sanity as I proceed to walk this treacherous path that is unwittingly called life.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
The Insomnia Chronicles: Delayed Anxiety
It's 1:30 am and I can't seem to sleep.
I've even put a melatonin in my system and that's not doing the trick.
Maybe it's because I have a lot I'm thinking about, which is why I'll give blogging a try.
It's helped in the past and maybe will now.
I have to be up at 6 to drive Dad to the Calgary Airport.
I'm so thankful for dad, he came with me on my drive to Calgary just spontaneously and he stayed with me for a couple days. I am now worried about his flight, because I apparently think the worst.
And then, worry.
I've prayed to God. (2017 is the year I own up to my Christian Identification) I talked to Him about my troubles and anxiety.
I'm worried for dad's safety tomorrow.
I'm also lonely in Calgary, I'm fully living on my own, I don't have anyone across the hall, or down the street that I remotely know. It's weirding me out.
I am having female issues, I become absolutely obsessed with women, I don't just like them, or am interested, I full on think about them and scheme and plan and dream until it ruins all my chances I may or may not have had. I like someone I know, and am wanting to ask her out, but am afraid it won't be right or she'll turn me down. Yet, I can't seem to be able to forget about her for 2 seconds. It's someone new at least, rather than the person I've struggled to get over.
Getting a job also seems to be a tricky thing, I am only around for 2 months, one of which I won't be around for 60% of it. Money is becoming a major burden. And it's stressing me out.
Rehearsals are not helping me due to the fact that I did very little over the Christmas Holiday to prepare for it, I am planning this week to study hard and make this my best role to date, but some wrist slapping and a shameful overhang isn't helping for the moment.
Anyway, We are caught up, I'm going to try to sleep now. Best of luck internet.
X O X O
G.
I've even put a melatonin in my system and that's not doing the trick.
Maybe it's because I have a lot I'm thinking about, which is why I'll give blogging a try.
It's helped in the past and maybe will now.
I have to be up at 6 to drive Dad to the Calgary Airport.
I'm so thankful for dad, he came with me on my drive to Calgary just spontaneously and he stayed with me for a couple days. I am now worried about his flight, because I apparently think the worst.
And then, worry.
I've prayed to God. (2017 is the year I own up to my Christian Identification) I talked to Him about my troubles and anxiety.
I'm worried for dad's safety tomorrow.
I'm also lonely in Calgary, I'm fully living on my own, I don't have anyone across the hall, or down the street that I remotely know. It's weirding me out.
I am having female issues, I become absolutely obsessed with women, I don't just like them, or am interested, I full on think about them and scheme and plan and dream until it ruins all my chances I may or may not have had. I like someone I know, and am wanting to ask her out, but am afraid it won't be right or she'll turn me down. Yet, I can't seem to be able to forget about her for 2 seconds. It's someone new at least, rather than the person I've struggled to get over.
Getting a job also seems to be a tricky thing, I am only around for 2 months, one of which I won't be around for 60% of it. Money is becoming a major burden. And it's stressing me out.
Rehearsals are not helping me due to the fact that I did very little over the Christmas Holiday to prepare for it, I am planning this week to study hard and make this my best role to date, but some wrist slapping and a shameful overhang isn't helping for the moment.
Anyway, We are caught up, I'm going to try to sleep now. Best of luck internet.
X O X O
G.
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