As I sit here doing some script work and figuring out how to improve my current state of being, I decided to take a look around at my surroundings.
I realised I was exactly the right picture of what I wanted to be... My ideal of a man, working hard.
I happened to be using my new fountain pen that I had received for Christmas while I nonchalantly sipped my glass of brandy. I had had quite the revitalising evening which involved a spiritual cleansing at the fault of a worship night led by Centre Street Church, so once I arrived back home I proceeded to just make whatever I happened to be wearing a little more comfortable, a tucked unbuttoned dress shirt barely revealing a white tank top undershirt and Christian chain symbolising the crucifixion around my neck that was complimented by grey chinos and brown belt.
I ruffled my hair throughout the evening to scratch the inevitable itches that bothered me all night which presented a now well-worn clean cut that was reminiscent of Ernest Hemingway in the early hours of the morning.
Scruff and a mustache graced my imperfect face as I repeated the lines over and over aloud as if I were a broken record. Tempted by the alluring physicality of the television, I work hard to pursue my determined goal of self-improvement.
No sound to be heard at all except the scripted words I spat into the air, and the occasional click-clack of the anxiety infused Jack Russell over my head as he paced back and forth from window to window. The dim lights encouraged my environment as I pushed forward in my work, I wasn't clouded by the false sense of light that was my overhead switches, instead I was kissed gently by the lamps and candles I had lit as their dull yellow magic cascaded over my books to help me learn.
The question I have now though that has raced back and forth in my mind for weeks now, is "Who do you want to be?" as I miserably fail in answering this cracker day in and day out. I realise more and more that I don't want to be alone, but am revealed to understand and learn the most when I am. I actively search for the one I think could compliment my undiscovered gold mine of a human being underneath this confused and naïve stature. Finding and establishing a relationship with God was a resolution on my New Year list. I believe that finding that connection and strengthening it will help improve this muddled life of mine and give me meaning. Shifting my focus to self-improvement will increase my level of sanity as I proceed to walk this treacherous path that is unwittingly called life.
