There is no safety in the bathroom

Some context.

I've been struggling with pornography and masturbation since I was 11 years old. My first glimpses were shown to me by some friends across the street. Little did I know that that would be the beginning of a long and difficult journey.

I haven't escaped it, not yet, but I have conquered a goal. 2 weeks today, I am clean. I stopped looking at pornography 2 weeks ago after watching a film called She Has A Name. A film about Human Trafficking, It was poignant and shocking to watch something so horrifically true. I vowed to do my best to not contribute to that culture at all.

So far, so good.

However, Now I seem to be buzzing. Buzzing from my hormones that are now being contained inside me like trapped air in a balloon. I am at an insane level of heightened sexual energy. I can't seem to think of much else.

It's the toughest when I'm on my own. I have to be stronger when I'm on my own.

I feel good about my decision and journey but, man, is it hard.

Respecting the women around me and in my world is of utmost importance to me.

I must stay strong.
Not just for their sakes. But mine as well.

I want to be a better man. And this, I believe, is a way to be better.

Insomnia Chronicles: Land Lady's Daughter

I need to go to fucking sleep!!!

I have to get up at 6 am to be able to drive to rehearsals at 9 am tomorrow morning. But here I am, at 1 am trying my hardest to fall asleep. It's not working.

Why?

Do I have something on my mind? Perhaps.
Am I stressed? Again, Perhaps.
Am I thinking about my land lady's ridiculously, flirty and hot daughter that is sleeping just above my head? You bet.

What else?
What am I going to do come March?

Maybe I'm thinking about how I consistently get sidestepped or intentionally avoided by girls I want to pursue.

Why am I having so much trouble falling asleep???
It's driving me absolutely bonkers.

In other news, ever since I saw She Has A Name a week and a half ago, I've been clean from Pornography and Masturbation. I feel good about it, even though I am tempted, especially when the attractive girl upstairs flirts with you incessantly.

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What the hell do I discuss now? I've run out of things to say.
I've been reading the Autobiography of Gene Wilder, and I can't seem to put it down. He's so wise in his words and has an incredibly human way of looking at life. He is so filled with wonder and underestimation. He speaks of letting the reality of a humourous physical gesture be entirely real, and not trying to be funny, just being real will make it as funny as it is.

I am in rehearsals with 6 other people, one of whom being the person I just can't seem to get over. Seeing her everyday takes me a step back, I revert to doing childish things like: following her into the rooms she's in, finding whatever way I can to be close to her, talking to her about anything. It's kind of hell, but I need to show her that I'm over her. She thinks I am.

I went on a date... or rather attempted to go on a date a week or two ago with this girl that I find rather intriguing but I don't know what she thinks of me. I flirt with her whenever we're around each other but I also got a yes from her when I asked if she wanted to go out. After getting myself properly dressed up for the date driving myself to the location, I receive a call from an unknown number, it's her, she's bailing on me, she's not coming. I proceed with the date... on my own. Fuck. What the hell? Now, I don't know what she's thinking. But I can't make the first move, the ball is in her court. And it's killing me.

Please God, let me go to sleep.
Please God, let me have enough energy for tomorrow.
Please God, allow me the rest I need.
Please God, let me wake up at the time I must get up.
Please God, take away my insomnia.
Please God, keep me strong.
Please God, reassure my female endeavours.
Please God, give me the motivation and power to be the best actor I can be.


I had this chat with a pal, a couple nights ago, about how I don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I am haunted by the mistakes that I make. I just can't seem to shake them. I remember the horrible mistakes I make clearer than any other memories in my mind. I feel sorry for what I've done, especially if it's affected someone else's life negatively. I can't bring myself to forgive. I suppose, in a way, I don't seem to want to forgive myself, I don't think I deserve it.

I have to figure this out. I have to be able to find a way to move on. So I can let go of the baggage I have. I also have to try to fall asleep.

Fucking Hell... Lord, Help.

All my high school friends got married

I'm looking for a girl who would punch me in the face if I stepped over the line, but still let me offer my coat on a brisk walk.

Someone to laugh at my jokes, but then still laugh even after she's told me they're lame.

The one to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, even if she doesn't like it but knows I love it.

The woman who will rant to me about who and what presses her buttons, but still treats everyone genuinely respectfully, kindly, and cares for strangers.

The girl who will make fun of me day in and day out, but still reassure me that I'm a hero that's worth everything to her.

The lady who will support God with everything she has, yet also swear unholy expressions just because she's feeling it.

Somebody to be presentably modest and conservative, but whisper dirty secrets into my ear in the same breath.

The person who will look at me like I'm stupid and stupendous all at once.

I don't know who you are or where, but I'm preparing for you and can't wait to stumble across that day.