I need to go to fucking sleep!!!
I have to get up at 6 am to be able to drive to rehearsals at 9 am tomorrow morning. But here I am, at 1 am trying my hardest to fall asleep. It's not working.
Why?
Do I have something on my mind? Perhaps.
Am I stressed? Again, Perhaps.
Am I thinking about my land lady's ridiculously, flirty and hot daughter that is sleeping just above my head? You bet.
What else?
What am I going to do come March?
Maybe I'm thinking about how I consistently get sidestepped or intentionally avoided by girls I want to pursue.
Why am I having so much trouble falling asleep???
It's driving me absolutely bonkers.
In other news, ever since I saw She Has A Name a week and a half ago, I've been clean from Pornography and Masturbation. I feel good about it, even though I am tempted, especially when the attractive girl upstairs flirts with you incessantly.
------
What the hell do I discuss now? I've run out of things to say.
I've been reading the Autobiography of Gene Wilder, and I can't seem to put it down. He's so wise in his words and has an incredibly human way of looking at life. He is so filled with wonder and underestimation. He speaks of letting the reality of a humourous physical gesture be entirely real, and not trying to be funny, just being real will make it as funny as it is.
I am in rehearsals with 6 other people, one of whom being the person I just can't seem to get over. Seeing her everyday takes me a step back, I revert to doing childish things like: following her into the rooms she's in, finding whatever way I can to be close to her, talking to her about anything. It's kind of hell, but I need to show her that I'm over her. She thinks I am.
I went on a date... or rather attempted to go on a date a week or two ago with this girl that I find rather intriguing but I don't know what she thinks of me. I flirt with her whenever we're around each other but I also got a yes from her when I asked if she wanted to go out. After getting myself properly dressed up for the date driving myself to the location, I receive a call from an unknown number, it's her, she's bailing on me, she's not coming. I proceed with the date... on my own. Fuck. What the hell? Now, I don't know what she's thinking. But I can't make the first move, the ball is in her court. And it's killing me.
Please God, let me go to sleep.
Please God, let me have enough energy for tomorrow.
Please God, allow me the rest I need.
Please God, let me wake up at the time I must get up.
Please God, take away my insomnia.
Please God, keep me strong.
Please God, reassure my female endeavours.
Please God, give me the motivation and power to be the best actor I can be.
I had this chat with a pal, a couple nights ago, about how I don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I am haunted by the mistakes that I make. I just can't seem to shake them. I remember the horrible mistakes I make clearer than any other memories in my mind. I feel sorry for what I've done, especially if it's affected someone else's life negatively. I can't bring myself to forgive. I suppose, in a way, I don't seem to want to forgive myself, I don't think I deserve it.
I have to figure this out. I have to be able to find a way to move on. So I can let go of the baggage I have. I also have to try to fall asleep.
Fucking Hell... Lord, Help.
