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I feel it again.
It's knocking on my door.

The Sorrow. The Darkness.

That's why I'm not in bed right now.



What do I say?
It's probably got something to do with my porn addiction.
I haven't been clean for even a day since I've been home. I'm not proud of it.

That's it. That's all I feel the need to say right now.

I want a hug. I want a hug and I don't want to let go until my arms lose feeling. My head against someone else's.
I need life. I need God. I need to believe in myself.

My Lumberjack fleece makes me happy.

I need to talk to someone.
I can't. I'm the only one here.
Home.
Or at least I think it's home. It feels like it, sounds like it.

Home for the holidays.
That should be great. How come it doesn't feel that way? My parents are here, my siblings are here, my best friend is here.
So why am i questioning it?

I miss my friends, my adopted rosebud family. And I'm going to miss them all when I leave in May. For Good.
I don't even want to think about it. I seem to make myself depressed about it.

I do that a lot.
Make myself depressed. It feels good, the sadness, the sorrow, the pain.

I can feel the door closing on my genuine happiness in life. It's getting more difficult to escape.

Why?

Does it feel good? Yes.
Do I do it to collect sympathy? Not all the time. But it's the reason this started, most definitely.

I feel alone.
Lonely? Alone?
One or the other, or both.

I have so many who love me. Why do I feel none of it?
I'm almost incapable of feeling it. I mean, I do feel it, but I can't accept it.
I can't comprehend that I'm somebody would want to look for or date or be interested in.
Accepting false flirtations with women that I find interesting, when in the end that's what they see in me as well, nothing but humorous and interesting.

I want genuine love.
And I had it. Oh god, did I have it.
Or at least I think I did.
Right in front of me. But I couldn't take it.
Why? Like an idiot, I played with her, I thought I was smart, and maybe I was, but I was not gentle about any of it. None of it.

I look back. And I don't think I want to be loved. I mean I do, I really do. But it's just maybe not worth it with me.
I know I'm 21, but I've got love surrounding me, 1 friend married, 3 others engaged, 1 looking for rings. It's just all a little too much for my fragile heart.
I search and I search, but I know nothing but failure and heartache.

And now here I am pouring my fucking guts out here on a computer screen, on my parents dinner table at 1:25 in the fucking morning.
Lord, I need help.
I'm so afraid. I'm still a kid, in a man's body. (a grown hairy ass man's body). I'm expected to function, but I don't know if I can.

I watched a movie called "The Perks of being a Wallflower", and I loved it. Beautiful Film. Exquisite.
Anyway, there's a part in the movie where the main character is crushing hard on this girl he loves, but she won't give him anything besides being his best friend. He confronts his teacher about it and asks:
"Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"
And the teacher responding:
"Well, we accept the love we think we deserve."
"Can we make them know that they deserve more?"
"We can try."
This is so powerful to me. I resonate with this. I feel constantly in a bad position. A sucky position.
It's also repeated later on, by the main character and the girl that he's referencing previously.
She says:
"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Do we? I feel like I might.

I hurt. My heart hurts. Aches.
And I can't do anything about it, except deny my heart and try to move forward. It is, of course, the logical thing to do. Because otherwise, I will TEAR. MYSELF. APART.

Geordie... Go to fucking sleep.

...

...

...alright.

It's just late.

It seems I'm here again.
It's 2 in the morning and I just can't sleep.
I think it's cuz I've fucked with my sleep schedule.
I've been thinking about love this past week. (More than usual)

Who I love, who I have loved, who I will love.
It's an interesting thing. I came up with a word that describes my situation almost perfectly.

Infatuation.

Not entirely sure on the definition of it, but I know that it tells me that I may not actually love someone. but that I just find them intriguing and I am obsessed. I don't want to love anyone else because well that's all I am. Infatuated with them.

I had a great conversation today with Cassie (my Moira). What a wonderful human soul, she struggles just like we all do, yet she seems to do it in a way that is just beautiful, she doesn't seem to be hurting anybody while she struggles in the world. Just Elegantly.

We talked about crushes, and love, and relationships, and marriage, and that perfect person, and dating, and self-esteem. It was incredibly therapeutic to just be myself with someone, much like I feel with Justin. I didn't have to be something or someone that I'm not, all I had to do was talk and be myself.
We even talked about how we present ourselves in front of people and how that is okay.

You need to feel comfortable in your relationships and feel trusted and know that mistakes can happen and if they do you can talk them out. You should never feel like you need to be in control, or you need to change to make someone happy. Because if you do, I'd re-evaluate it.

I don't know if I'll ever not be infatuated with Kait and who she is, because she is a wonderful human being, but I know that with time I can learn to love someone else who will return it to me.

I look forward to whomever I will marry and enjoy life with. I may know them already and I may not. It's nerve-wracking but exciting.

In my Final Project, there are two people who love each other, but the war makes them sleep with other people, and then at the end of the play, they return to each other as if picking up where they left off.

This is beautiful to me.
Why?
They Cheated. That's bad. They shouldn't get back together.
Wrong.
They love each other and it's clear. They only were with other people because they were lonely. And they couldn't stand the war alone. but the biggest thing is that: from the start, there was no one else. Ever. They always loved each other. They knew this. They are able to come together and forgive one another. I think it's a testament to true love and what you will do for it.

I should go to bed now, I feel tired now. Until I can't sleep or need to vent. So long.

I can't help but hurt

Today.
Today, was a bad day.

I woke up and thought immediately of the fact that it's Opening day for Little Women the 359 show.
YAY!
For them.
For me, it is remembered as one of the worst days of my life. I got dumped on my opening night of my first 359 show. So there's that.

Then I had class, it was wonderful.
I did my monologue. And then I went to work and I had a great shift, I worked fast.
Then I shovelled the walk outside the office, just to do some non-logical labour work.

Then it got bad again.

I began to think about Kait.

"Fuck off Heart!"

One of my new quotes I've been saying. It's being a nuisance. I care too much. I love too easily. I just want to stop hurting.

I continue to get in my own way as I am attempting to live in the same world as Kait, and be her friend because I don't want to lose her, but I might.
I don't even want her to like me back anymore, I feel so pathetic, I feel the exact same way I felt in high school. Towards women.

She is who she is.

My stupid heart won't take a hint. I think because it already knows it's lost. It's holding on with everything.

Fuck off Heart!



I then had a terrible shift at the Mercantile. I worked with Frances which is always great. She's cute, she's funny, good lady. but I was grumpy, and I was so easily pissed off, I was scared that I would lose it on a patron a some points.
And then I saw Caleb and Caitlyn "relationing" in the corner, and I just about lost it. Not that I care about Caitlyn that way anymore, but because I feel so alone, I want that. I also still am hurt immensely by the broken friendship I now have with them both. Well, and it's dumpage day for me. Caitlyn was having the time of her life today, and all I could think for the class was "let nobody fuck with your feelings today, it's your day today"

And here I am typing out on here my crap day. AFter I flirted heavily with a first year student (again) I just seem so desperate.

I need to get my life in check. I need to be the best I can if i'm going to survive in this profession and do well.

Never give all the heart
W. B. Yeats, 1865 - 1939

"Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost."

Fuck. Off. Heart.

Another Typical PornFree Monday

A lonely heart will stay alert.
A happy heart will dance.

At a loss of words, at a second glance;
My breath quickens at the thought.

How can I? How could I?
But why?

We fly so high only to fall so much farther.
We venture so deep only to be let down much quicker.
We give so much only to be forgotten much sooner.

I am in between.
Our self worth is only what we have.
We try to give more and we come from deception.

Found.
Nothing interesting.
Keep looking.
Just leave it be.

I still have no words to use.
Can't craft many things out of the little vocabulary I know,
But that should not stop me.
It will not stop me.

I am writing...
It is. It is not. It is not good.

Don't worry brain. Let me help you from here.
I am in control. I have always been in control.
With me, with body, with heart.

Grown? Learned? Ready?
None...
But Here.

"Before you get old..."

Well.
I seem to be back here again. Typing into the ether.

Couple things.
I feel fat right now.
I crushed my serving shift tonight.
and I'm not happy with who I am.

I was told yesterday that I horribly failed my acting coaching midterm. I mean I knew this, but hearing it from a highly looked up to mentor when you're in your fourth year, really fucking sucks.
I need to be more willing to do things. I need more passion.
I need the passion that I have towards other people in my life.
If I could apply that to everything else that I do, I wouldn't have an issue.

When you realise you exactly where you were four years ago, it makes you wonder whether what you've done is really worth it. It makes you wonder whether you are ever going to stop being a loser with no motivation for anything.

My director/mentor told me that I reminded him of Hamlet.

I was ecstatic.

But

Then he explained. He said I am living in the 'To be or not to be' speech. He said one of Hamlets major character flaws is that he doesn't ever commit, he doesn't ever make a decision, but instead ponders the outcomes of IF he makes one. And that's what ends up screwing him over in the end.
He never grows.
Ophelia doesn't want to be with him because he is indecisive. or at least one reason.

I can't seem to will myself into my own life. It just seems unhappy and boring and painful.

My desire to succeed and do the work needs to be way through the roof.

I was also told that I am in a dip in my life. I was being worried about by other people.
Things need to change. I need to stop enjoying my depression. I need to stop feeding from the darkness.

I am so alone.
I am so alone, that I am spending all the time I can with my ex, because I find her wonderful. I feel like myself entirely when I am around her. I feel no higher comfort than with her, even though it's awkward at times. I think about her a lot. Especially lately, I miss her a lot.

I am really lonely. But also I a not alone, I have many people around me, but I am still lonely.
I miss cuddling. and just embracing in silence.

I am fucked up.

I also am absolutely WRECKED by my feelings surrounding Kait. I don't get it. Well, I do. My love is true. But I don't even know if it's love anymore, it's turned into a monster, it's an obsession. I cannot get over her. Mostly because whenever I see her, my heart melts. And I am completely entranced.

Help me.

I am also getting a lot of attention from the certs. They are flirting with me and texting me and just giving me attention.
I don't want it, because partly I don't feel I deserve it. I'm not attractive. I don't want to be strictly pigeon holed as the funny guy. I don't have time. My feelings are madly preoccupied with someone else. And any feeling I do have, is mostly sexual. I am just in trouble.

I've been really low for a while now. I don't get much sleep anymore. And I just don't have any real interest in anything anymore, except my obsession of being loved.

I need to step up my game. I need to take charge of my life. I need to find the passion that is in me somewhere.

And I need to focus on going back to training all of myself.


Let's do a quote because I like quotes.
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

History of Love

Love.
Pain.

The two seem to go hand-in-hand in my world.

A first love, who turned me from a fresh high school teen into the man I became.

A second, who taught me that independence is important.

I wish I could list more for you lovely folks (internet hackers, with no life except looking for identity theft and porn) more women who I've dated. but I haven't dated anyone else.

Doesn't mean I haven't loved others though...

I will proceed to tell you my journey of love and crushes of my life...

Kindergarten - I liked a girl in Kindergarten, her name started with an M. That's all I remember.
Grade 0ne - Can't seem to remember.
Two - a girl named Kenzie because there were two Mackenzie in that class, and Elise who was really into art.
Three - Shanna, that's right, you heard it, the name of the girl who married one of my best friends a few months ago. it was just a crush but it's still funny.
Four - Emma, I was really into this girl and thought she was incredibly cute, she may have been my first female friend that I hung out with frequently as well. Huh.
Five - Still Emma.
Six - Yep. Emma again. But she left about 3 months in, and transferred schools (not cuz of me... I swear. Haha.). But then I started to like Brianna, who was a friend of Emmas, she was just cute. Oh yeah, her and Carolyn (the girl my friend liked), Jared (the friend I previously mentioned) and I were the best of friends this year.
Seven - Still Brianna.
Eight - Should I even say it, Brianna.
Nine - For the first bit I liked Brianna, then things shifted (finally) I began to like many. Anna, Bobbie.
Ten - Bobbie, (Jared also liked her a lot and continued to for years.), Miranda, a girl who's mom died of Ovarian Cancer and also who got married after she graduated.
Eleven - No one.
Twelve - I had a point to prove and duties to fulfill, no time to crush on girls.

Rosebud.

Certificate - I found Kait intriguing and Lydia, who's now married also cute. Along with Chelsea, Amy, Lauren, Lauren. Also my bromances reached a new high this year with Zachary. But Jesse, the only girl I had a full on interest in. Luckily, I was able to date her for most of the year and well into...
MP1 - ...my second year, unfortunately things shifted I was once again, single. I liked Kait once again this year.
MP2 - Caitlyn, I found her so attractive and strong. Unfortunately, she was in a relationship... however, I did the unthinkable and "stole" her from him. So we dated on and off for the next year. I'm ashamed of this with all my heart but I also liked Kait in this year as well, hence the eventual break-up of Caitlyn and I.
MP3 - Here I am, and well the only girl on my mind is... Kait. The one who has seemingly been constant. I like her a lot differently than these other girls though. I can't describe my feelings. I have no need for her love or an anticipation for anything, as much as I'd like, I just love her; I just want to be around her and spend my hours with her. She's got it all from what I see, and for what I'm looking for now after I've learned what I have from previous experience.

Alas, It seems to not be a thing that is in the cards though. I can't get close to her, she's cut me off at the stem. I can't be around her or look at her because I feel like I'm intruding on her, I want to give her space and not have her deal with me.
We had a talk the other evening and she told me she wanted to remain friends, I kept composure for her sake. She may very well believe I am over her, and okay with it and understand. but she doesn't know and doesn't need to know that I am utterly wrecked, i'm in a constant pain, a constant loss of a friend not just a silly crush (which is so much more than that).

I Miss Her.

But I can't be around her anymore because I fear it will be interpreted incorrectly.
I didn't tell her everything I wanted to that night.
I wanted to tell her that she is the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever met, She is so kind that it hurts to think about it sometimes, She is so present with you everytime you look in her eyes, I melt. Her family is one for the history books as a model family. I love it. She takes my breath away. she makes me weak at the knees. She is one of the strongest women I know and I think will ever know. She is independent, which is highly attractive. She is SOOO in love with God that I feel left out of something beautiful.
I could go on about her, but since I'm not great with words, they won't do justice to this woman. She deserves to receive the love language I am capable of speaking and yet, maybe more than that.

She is who I want in a woman.

But my heart has been gutted and ripped from my chest.

Now what?



I can't move on. but I must for the sake of health and my respect for her.

Thinking of her everyday, because... well I can't seem to stop.