Be patient within me, Child.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep, full relationship with another,
To be loved exclusively,
But God to the Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied and content
with being loved by me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me,
to have an intense, personal, and unique relationship
with me alone.
I love you my child, and until you discover that
only in me is your satisfaction to be found
you will not be capable of the perfect human
relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desire or longing.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing,
and allow me to bring that person to you.
Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you -
you just wait."

"And then, when you are ready
I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful
than you would ever dream of.
I am working this minute to have you both
ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me,
and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love!"

"And dear one,
I want you to have this perfect love,
I want you to see in the flesh
a picture of your relationship with me,
And enjoy maturely the love that i offer you with myself."

"Please know that I love you - Believe it and be satisfied."

- Author Unknown

Sometimes all you need is sleep.

Back.
Good news is that I've been porn-free since last year. And I'm still trucking.

Bad News is that I've fucked up!

Yay! Surprise, surprise.

I thought I was making good headway with Kait and moving forward in getting over her. WHY CAN'T I DO IT?
I'm trying so damn hard. I have even made prayers to God to take the love away, and so far, He hasn't.

Yesterday, (Friday) I had a long, albeit awkward, conversation with her. We talked about our educational demise and we talked or rather I talked about love. I explained my description of love and how I approach it. And now that I think back on it, it was one of the single dumbest conversations I've ever had.

I had a discussion about love with the person I have a massive crush over and has rejected me TWICE. Yea. I know.

Why do I do these things to myself? You'd think I would have learned.

And then to make matters worse. I've gone and exploded apologies for being clingy and lovey to her. I feel so ashamed. I thought that I had moved past this. This bad judgement thing, this constant flirting thing.

I want to be friends and keep her in my life but the more we talk, the more I see that as an unlikely option.

It's sad really.

A guy who wants to be nothing but the best human being he can be while on this earth in his life.
But he's constantly combated by his desire for love, affection, and particularities.

Apparently I'm brave, not quite sure what that means. Because frankly, I don't see that I just see a lovesick, sniveling, complainer, with no motivation. And no real balls to just ask someone out!

Fuck off HEART!
JUST LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! SHE SAID FUCKING NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. LEAVE IT ALONE.

I like to see myself as a tough, strong man who can do anything and save anyone. So naturally the worst thing that can go wrong with my ego is when I look like I can't accomplish an exercise routine same as everyone else. Like feeling faint or nauseated. I now feel like everyone sees me as weak. I wish I could shrug that off and say that I don't care about what they think but I do. I do.


On another note, some people get on my nerves.
I don't try to ruffle feathers but somehow I do. There's a few people that no matter how much I try to be friendly and helpful they just take it the wrong way or over think it. It's really quite annoying.
I want to step back from interjecting myself into other peoples lives and opinions, because people don't like that. Especially with someone who CLEARLY has a lot of emotional issues to work out on his own. And he's not the smoothest talking, or most well-read, or quickest thinker. So he obviously isn't one to give advice. And no, I haven't gone through the worst of what life can throw at someone but I have seen, witnessed my fair share of turmoil, pain, and hurt. I do think through everything. It's just that my brain-to-mouth translator sucks ASS! I can't say it. EVER!

Well.
That was a rant.

I feel a little better.

Let's end on a high note.

(What is the difference between

I like you
I love you.

Beautifully answered by Buddha:

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily...!

One who understands this, understands life...")

Ed Sheeran has saved me often

Back again.

This feels like therapy in it's own right. Right here.
I think I'll frequent my blog more often this year... and I think that's not a bad thing.

The first day of 2016 has now come and gone. And...
It was pretty up and down. Pros and cons. Always I suppose.
I lost my mind today and had to just de-stress intensely in my room after hanging out with my family and grandmothers.
I was super tired all day from the party last night.
However, day one of three hundred and sixty five and it was porn free. YES.

You know, I started this entry withholding great sadness and sorrow. I now feel blessed, and relatively ok. I have a good year to look forward to. It's going to be busy and hard. But I can do it if I work HARD. And I know I can. I need to overcome my lazy nature and just work my handsome, hairy ass off.

I've been reading some other blogs, and they are written by beloved friends, I enjoy reading into their lives. And knowing what they are thinking in the moment. Sometimes it's difficult to read and sometimes it's heartwarming. I have to realize that I am one of the only ones that can choose how I feel and how I see the world.
I can't change the world around me. I can only change myself, and hope with the best of my ability that I make a difference in the occasional harsh reality that is life.

I should be a lot more grateful for what I have than what I give credit for. I am in 3 shows in the next 6 months and that's AMAZING! AND they are all major roles. I couldn't be more blessed, especially with the typecast I was born with, this wasn't expected. Thank you Lord.

I am infatuated with two people right now and that's such a blessing. Honestly. I may not be in a relationship but who says that give you happiness. Even feeling happy when I think or daydream over what could be. It's such a powerful way to increase mood.

I have the privilege of loving everyone I meet and grow around. Sure, it's hard to say goodbye or it's hard to live with someone, but I love them and hopefully they love me. And for that, I couldn't ask for more.

I am scared for this year. But as much as I am unsure, it excites me to know that anything could happen.

I received a text this morning that changed my morning and it was beautiful, it was from a friend that does nothing but cares for their friends, it said:
"Happy New Year! I hope you achieve all that you've ever dreamed with the love you deserve"
Blown. Away.

I was truly thankful for it.

Before I finish this entry, here's a blurb from Neil Gaiman:
"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

I have a long drive tomorrow. I hope it's well, and I have to say bye to my family for five months, it'll be hard.

With all the optimism I can muster, with all the hope I contain... Blessings (Geordie, listen up)

You will be fine.

It's a New Year... Now what?

This seems to have become my depression confession blog...
And I'm here more often.

Well, it's a new year.
Yay.
3 shows.
Producing.
Graduating.
Farewells.
New jobs.
No fall term.
Travel planning.
22.
A few weddings.

I've got a little bit happening this year.

I've just spent the evening with my friend and his family, pretty much the same as I've done for years, but it was different because there was pretty much only couples there, and a LOT of wedding talk.
All in all, it was a lonely New Years for me.

The last few New Years have been memorable but honestly all I want to do with this one is forget it, there was no "bros" around (besides one who couldn't talk because of a wisdoms teeth pull), no girlfriend to love up on, no family because I was not at home.
It was different.
And in the morning I'm the only attempting to keep the sunset tradition.
It's saddening.

I feel like I'm getting worse, sadder, by the day. I have reached the point where I need to almost call my therapist again.
I'm excited for the new year and what it has to offer but there's a gut feeling that's going to be one of the worst years of my life, and I can't shake it. But I'm marching on with my head up, heart out and attempting a smile.

We'll see what happens.

I feel pathetic.
All the complaining I do about relationships but it's important to me, and I feel snubbed.
The last relationship I was in was almost entirely my fault. I did stuff in that relationship that I never want to do again an I can't get over what I've done, and in relative terms it's not even bad it's just physically, emotionally and mentally clingy, I can't shake it.

I'm so conflicted with my heart at the moment that I almost want to swear off girls this year.

Let's do some New Years resolutions:
Be more diligent in your work
Offer opinion only when invited and don't overstep it.
Don't hold a grudge.
Be kinder.
Invest more in everything.
Don't be so hard in myself.
Give up pornography.
Flirt less.


Happy new year.
It'll be a cinch.
I hope...

Traffic Update

I feel it again.
It's knocking on my door.

The Sorrow. The Darkness.

That's why I'm not in bed right now.



What do I say?
It's probably got something to do with my porn addiction.
I haven't been clean for even a day since I've been home. I'm not proud of it.

That's it. That's all I feel the need to say right now.

I want a hug. I want a hug and I don't want to let go until my arms lose feeling. My head against someone else's.
I need life. I need God. I need to believe in myself.

My Lumberjack fleece makes me happy.

I need to talk to someone.
I can't. I'm the only one here.
Home.
Or at least I think it's home. It feels like it, sounds like it.

Home for the holidays.
That should be great. How come it doesn't feel that way? My parents are here, my siblings are here, my best friend is here.
So why am i questioning it?

I miss my friends, my adopted rosebud family. And I'm going to miss them all when I leave in May. For Good.
I don't even want to think about it. I seem to make myself depressed about it.

I do that a lot.
Make myself depressed. It feels good, the sadness, the sorrow, the pain.

I can feel the door closing on my genuine happiness in life. It's getting more difficult to escape.

Why?

Does it feel good? Yes.
Do I do it to collect sympathy? Not all the time. But it's the reason this started, most definitely.

I feel alone.
Lonely? Alone?
One or the other, or both.

I have so many who love me. Why do I feel none of it?
I'm almost incapable of feeling it. I mean, I do feel it, but I can't accept it.
I can't comprehend that I'm somebody would want to look for or date or be interested in.
Accepting false flirtations with women that I find interesting, when in the end that's what they see in me as well, nothing but humorous and interesting.

I want genuine love.
And I had it. Oh god, did I have it.
Or at least I think I did.
Right in front of me. But I couldn't take it.
Why? Like an idiot, I played with her, I thought I was smart, and maybe I was, but I was not gentle about any of it. None of it.

I look back. And I don't think I want to be loved. I mean I do, I really do. But it's just maybe not worth it with me.
I know I'm 21, but I've got love surrounding me, 1 friend married, 3 others engaged, 1 looking for rings. It's just all a little too much for my fragile heart.
I search and I search, but I know nothing but failure and heartache.

And now here I am pouring my fucking guts out here on a computer screen, on my parents dinner table at 1:25 in the fucking morning.
Lord, I need help.
I'm so afraid. I'm still a kid, in a man's body. (a grown hairy ass man's body). I'm expected to function, but I don't know if I can.

I watched a movie called "The Perks of being a Wallflower", and I loved it. Beautiful Film. Exquisite.
Anyway, there's a part in the movie where the main character is crushing hard on this girl he loves, but she won't give him anything besides being his best friend. He confronts his teacher about it and asks:
"Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"
And the teacher responding:
"Well, we accept the love we think we deserve."
"Can we make them know that they deserve more?"
"We can try."
This is so powerful to me. I resonate with this. I feel constantly in a bad position. A sucky position.
It's also repeated later on, by the main character and the girl that he's referencing previously.
She says:
"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Do we? I feel like I might.

I hurt. My heart hurts. Aches.
And I can't do anything about it, except deny my heart and try to move forward. It is, of course, the logical thing to do. Because otherwise, I will TEAR. MYSELF. APART.

Geordie... Go to fucking sleep.

...

...

...alright.

It's just late.

It seems I'm here again.
It's 2 in the morning and I just can't sleep.
I think it's cuz I've fucked with my sleep schedule.
I've been thinking about love this past week. (More than usual)

Who I love, who I have loved, who I will love.
It's an interesting thing. I came up with a word that describes my situation almost perfectly.

Infatuation.

Not entirely sure on the definition of it, but I know that it tells me that I may not actually love someone. but that I just find them intriguing and I am obsessed. I don't want to love anyone else because well that's all I am. Infatuated with them.

I had a great conversation today with Cassie (my Moira). What a wonderful human soul, she struggles just like we all do, yet she seems to do it in a way that is just beautiful, she doesn't seem to be hurting anybody while she struggles in the world. Just Elegantly.

We talked about crushes, and love, and relationships, and marriage, and that perfect person, and dating, and self-esteem. It was incredibly therapeutic to just be myself with someone, much like I feel with Justin. I didn't have to be something or someone that I'm not, all I had to do was talk and be myself.
We even talked about how we present ourselves in front of people and how that is okay.

You need to feel comfortable in your relationships and feel trusted and know that mistakes can happen and if they do you can talk them out. You should never feel like you need to be in control, or you need to change to make someone happy. Because if you do, I'd re-evaluate it.

I don't know if I'll ever not be infatuated with Kait and who she is, because she is a wonderful human being, but I know that with time I can learn to love someone else who will return it to me.

I look forward to whomever I will marry and enjoy life with. I may know them already and I may not. It's nerve-wracking but exciting.

In my Final Project, there are two people who love each other, but the war makes them sleep with other people, and then at the end of the play, they return to each other as if picking up where they left off.

This is beautiful to me.
Why?
They Cheated. That's bad. They shouldn't get back together.
Wrong.
They love each other and it's clear. They only were with other people because they were lonely. And they couldn't stand the war alone. but the biggest thing is that: from the start, there was no one else. Ever. They always loved each other. They knew this. They are able to come together and forgive one another. I think it's a testament to true love and what you will do for it.

I should go to bed now, I feel tired now. Until I can't sleep or need to vent. So long.