Back.
Good news is that I've been porn-free since last year. And I'm still trucking.
Bad News is that I've fucked up!
Yay! Surprise, surprise.
I thought I was making good headway with Kait and moving forward in getting over her. WHY CAN'T I DO IT?
I'm trying so damn hard. I have even made prayers to God to take the love away, and so far, He hasn't.
Yesterday, (Friday) I had a long, albeit awkward, conversation with her. We talked about our educational demise and we talked or rather I talked about love. I explained my description of love and how I approach it. And now that I think back on it, it was one of the single dumbest conversations I've ever had.
I had a discussion about love with the person I have a massive crush over and has rejected me TWICE. Yea. I know.
Why do I do these things to myself? You'd think I would have learned.
And then to make matters worse. I've gone and exploded apologies for being clingy and lovey to her. I feel so ashamed. I thought that I had moved past this. This bad judgement thing, this constant flirting thing.
I want to be friends and keep her in my life but the more we talk, the more I see that as an unlikely option.
It's sad really.
A guy who wants to be nothing but the best human being he can be while on this earth in his life.
But he's constantly combated by his desire for love, affection, and particularities.
Apparently I'm brave, not quite sure what that means. Because frankly, I don't see that I just see a lovesick, sniveling, complainer, with no motivation. And no real balls to just ask someone out!
Fuck off HEART!
JUST LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! SHE SAID FUCKING NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. LEAVE IT ALONE.
I like to see myself as a tough, strong man who can do anything and save anyone. So naturally the worst thing that can go wrong with my ego is when I look like I can't accomplish an exercise routine same as everyone else. Like feeling faint or nauseated. I now feel like everyone sees me as weak. I wish I could shrug that off and say that I don't care about what they think but I do. I do.
On another note, some people get on my nerves.
I don't try to ruffle feathers but somehow I do. There's a few people that no matter how much I try to be friendly and helpful they just take it the wrong way or over think it. It's really quite annoying.
I want to step back from interjecting myself into other peoples lives and opinions, because people don't like that. Especially with someone who CLEARLY has a lot of emotional issues to work out on his own. And he's not the smoothest talking, or most well-read, or quickest thinker. So he obviously isn't one to give advice. And no, I haven't gone through the worst of what life can throw at someone but I have seen, witnessed my fair share of turmoil, pain, and hurt. I do think through everything. It's just that my brain-to-mouth translator sucks ASS! I can't say it. EVER!
Well.
That was a rant.
I feel a little better.
Let's end on a high note.
(What is the difference between
I like you
I love you.
Beautifully answered by Buddha:
"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily...!
One who understands this, understands life...")
