Title

Oh god.
I'm going to explode. I've never felt this mad in a long time.
FUCK! I want to just fucking scream!!

I had a meeting today with Caleb, if you can even call it one. I went in with some topics to chat about and wouldn't you know it...
I felt shitty afterward.
Why?
Oh well, because everything I brought up felt stupid and obvious.
But that wasn't the worst part. I felt as though he was condescending me the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.

As if, "geez, Geordie. you should know better." "isn't that why you were elected?" FUCK.

And then I attempted to locate the calendar on my email account, the education email, and so I asked Caleb for help... Well, Fuck. That was a mistake.
He was so fucking impatient with me. He treated me like an idiot. He tore into me about not knowing how to open the calendar, he was like you should know this by now.
Fuck.

I don't know who the fuck reads this blog, and frankly, I don't want to know. Because it'll get tougher for me to speak the truth.

But I've got to get something off my chest. Kait has been in pain this past few days, and as much as I fight against my feelings, I've been offering my help wherever I can.

And all that.

But.

You see, she wrote a blog post today thanking everyone for the specific reasons they've helped her, and all I got was a "thanks for your car".

I know. I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion, and yes, fuck I still like her...
But for goodness sake, I am really hurt by this. I've done what I can. And maybe that's it, maybe she's distancing more than I am. But fuck.

Just.

I hate liking someone with no reciprocation.
I want to move on, I want to go out with someone else to defer my energy, but if it doesn't work, then I've just fucked over some other girl.

And I've done that already, and...

That wrecked me. I will never do that again. I won't do that to someone again.

Now I've reached the really depressive stuff, I know people have their own shit going on, but I truly feel like I'm being tolerated.

By everyone.

I'M NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I just find shit funny, and laugh, and I am just truly awkward beyond myself. I don't know how to present myself in situations, so I find a way to do it.

I need to get out of here.
I don't think I can finish. I don't think I can do it.

I wish I didn't have a voice, because then I would shut up about all my little issues. And I wouldn't bother people, with this fucking complainy shit anymore.
I blame others for my shit, and you know, I'm thinking it might be me.

I don't know how to love someone properly. I just crush hard. Or I'm lustful. Or I'm awkward. OR I'm actually in a fucking trance over the one person who said "yea, let's give it a try".
I don't know how to love. I just think I do.

I just fucking start things. I get all fucking excited over fucking ideas and things, but then I fucking lose interest in it. Whether, it's school, a show, a project, a relationship.
I CAN'T FUCKING FINISH ANYTHING.

Fuck. Just fuck.

I hate this. I hate this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel this weight of darkness. But it's fucking here. RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

Leave me alone. I can't function anymore. Because I just lose it. I cry, I get overwhelmed. I want to scream.
I don't feel wanted in this place. And if I'm being honest, I never have.

Truly.

I feel like I just get used. because I'm nice and convenient.

And the worst part is... I usually feel better after a fucking rant post. But I don't. I almost feel worse.

"you were great as the dinosaur, it was you, I watched it and saw Geordie"

IS THAT ALL I AM? AN ASSHOLE MANCHILD, WHO SAYS SOME HALF-FUNNY SHIT???!!!! FUCK YOU! I DON'T WANT TO SEEM AS IF I'M NOT ACTING. I MEAN SURE I WANT TO BE AUTHENTIC, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE I HAVEN'T GONE TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT.

I'm low. I mean, real fuckin low. I don't feel genuinely happy anymore, I feel fake when I smile, because I feel sad so often now.

And I'm not looking for pity.

I'm looking help.
But I... Fuck.

Who cares.

Goodnight.

Something Burnt

It's seems that a lot of people are having a tough time right about now, myself included, but I only feel stressed because I'm not kicking my ass to get my shit down like I know I need to be doing.
I did the dishes tonight and had my headphones on. I had a grand ol' time just rocking out to Shawn Mendes, in particular, this song...



I had a whirlwind of a week and I do have some mixed feelings about it. I opened and closed a show in Calgary and it went really well,
at least,
I believe it did.

The playwright...

maybe not so much.

Hah.
Well, funny story.

The original dinosaur was written and portrayed as woman, and she made it very clear, very quickly.
Also she said three words to me "that was great", which isn't weird if she says that to everyone, but she didn't. She had an extensive conversation about EVERYONE's portrayal, except me.

Eh.

Playwright's are touchy. Go figure.

So what.

I fucking killed that part.

But it does bug me. I mean obviously because I'm still talking about it. I just wanted her to like me, and you know what?
Maybe she did. but I won't know that.

Fuck.

Anyway. I want to be a better person. I mean like be better at kicking my ass to get shit done. And just listen more to others. I want to be less of a jerk.
I also want to take my life off cruise control, because that's what i feel like is happening. I expecting myself to get there. And it's not true. I need to work hard. HARD.

It starts now, not yesterday. FUCK YESTERDAY. It's yesterday for a reason.

I watched a movie tonight about a chef fighting for what he wants, and it was incredible. BURNT with Bradley Cooper.


I feel the darkness, but right now I've got a torch in hand. So that's a step.

The Death of the Dinosaur

It’s back. I feel it today.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired beyond comprehension, but I’m not well today.

I am so sad and mad.

I drove in Kait today and I ended up on bringing it up, the fact that I like her, again.
Why do I continue to make it awkward? I hate when I do that! I constantly make everything so maddening. And now it’s awkward again, I’m working towards getting over her. And it’s just difficult to try and move on successfully.

I don’t want these feelings anymore.

On another note, in rehearsal today, I worked my monologue in the show and I realized that I hate it. I actually hate it. I hate doing it. I just do.

Why?! I don’t want to hate it but it fucking sucks.

I feel so unauthentic, I feel so unreal, I feel so “acty”. And it’s getting in the way of everything. I feel so stupid. And nothing can be done except for myself to just trust that I’m executing it well.

I want to be honest. I do.

And I’m also so distracting in rehearsal and it’s so fucking annoying, because I don’t feel like I’m fun in my work if I’m not trying things. I don’t feel like I’m a good actor when that happens. I just feel like I’m in the way.

What do I do? Where do I go? How do I deal with it?
Is this darkness? Or my mind? Or both? Or am I just sad?

I don’t feel funny. I am funny. But I’m not a humorous person.
I think a lot. I love drama. I love love. But where is the value in that when what you say comes across as funny.

I’m not. I don’t look for the joke. But it’s there, it’s always there.

Why can’t it let me be the hero instead of the relief just once?

I want to be the hero.
But in my experience. I’ve either been the comedic sidekick or the villain. How is it that the thing you aim for most, is the thing you end up furthest from?

Leave me darkness. Leave me. And leave me alone heart. You’re fucking up my life and relationships.
Maybe I just don’t know how to handle the power that my heart holds yet.

I just don’t know.

The day after i wrote this...

Hey.

There is no wifi at the retreat so this will be posted at a later date. Probably the next day.

So it’s the end of the first day of the retreat, and I am just exhausted.
I wasn’t in the highest of energy states this morning but I went on with the day anyway, we arrived at Pioneer Ranch and I went sledding.

I haven’t gone sledding in years. I went off the jump and down the hill several times. I was wet and cold from doing it for an hour, now I’m just exhausted. And I also am sore. In my knees.

I am having a hard time staying in a positive mode, it’s seems almost impossible. I’m staying away from her and it is heartbreaking. I want it to be okay. I’m just in so much emotional pain right now and I can’t help but feel things. I want to be alright.

But fucking my heart hurts!!!

I just need to be able to work passed this and figure out a new system of living. I don’t know what to do. I’m just fucking at a loss. Of Soul. I’m not for me. I’m not able to function, I can’t just think about anything except what is happening between the two of us. I want to be able to get through it. FUCK!

I’m so attached.

I need to let go, I need to fly away.

What do I do?

And the stupid thing is that I don’t even know if I want it. I don’t know what I would do, I don’t want to get involved in this stupid relationship shit. It sucks. The heartache I’ve put myself through.

I hate this retreat.

It’s been really nothing but bad memories for me. I’m just depressed.

I hate when people become so aware of how they present themselves that it affects other people in a negative way. I’m of course speaking with myself in mind.

I don’t know what I want. I want to be loved genuinely by the one person who I can’t seem to get to love me.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I must seem so troubled to people around me.
I’m coming off as an asshole. Or I’m coming off as the most emotionally unstable, depressive human on the planet. There’s no fucking in-between.

Day 17 and counting…
It’s tough. I’ve come extremely close to caving and I just can’t. I have to be strong. And I can do that.

I was realizing the other day that I need to find my own way to God. I have to find my own love for Him, I can’t try to build a relationship with Him based off of the strong relationship my crush has with Him and have me attempting to use it as a connection.

I am a human being.

What is this?

It's late.
And I should be in bed.
But I'm not.
I'm busy. I should sleep.
I have a retreat.
I have a show.
I have homework.
I need to be in bed.

But I'm not.

Why?

Well, I've been packing, I've been on the internet killing time.

I've been dwelling.

I can't seem to shake it. I am so involved emotionally with someone who is quickly becoming a best friend and at the same time someone who is leaving my life way sooner than I'd have liked.

I don't think I can love, or even care. I'm either numb or so incredibly deep that I've forgotten how deep I am.

What? What is this?
The theme of the week, and it's kind of getting old.


I'm so exhausted already.

And I've just started my semester. I'm off to a bad start.


My friend gets married tomorrow (today). Crazy.
Adding another to the list.

I want that. But maybe I'm not capable, maybe I'm not ready.

And I'm sure I'm most certainly barking up the wrong tree.

Well.
Cheers.
This post seems irrelevant.
Hmm.
It's late.

Be patient within me, Child.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep, full relationship with another,
To be loved exclusively,
But God to the Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied and content
with being loved by me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me,
to have an intense, personal, and unique relationship
with me alone.
I love you my child, and until you discover that
only in me is your satisfaction to be found
you will not be capable of the perfect human
relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desire or longing.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing,
and allow me to bring that person to you.
Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you -
you just wait."

"And then, when you are ready
I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful
than you would ever dream of.
I am working this minute to have you both
ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me,
and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love!"

"And dear one,
I want you to have this perfect love,
I want you to see in the flesh
a picture of your relationship with me,
And enjoy maturely the love that i offer you with myself."

"Please know that I love you - Believe it and be satisfied."

- Author Unknown

Sometimes all you need is sleep.

Back.
Good news is that I've been porn-free since last year. And I'm still trucking.

Bad News is that I've fucked up!

Yay! Surprise, surprise.

I thought I was making good headway with Kait and moving forward in getting over her. WHY CAN'T I DO IT?
I'm trying so damn hard. I have even made prayers to God to take the love away, and so far, He hasn't.

Yesterday, (Friday) I had a long, albeit awkward, conversation with her. We talked about our educational demise and we talked or rather I talked about love. I explained my description of love and how I approach it. And now that I think back on it, it was one of the single dumbest conversations I've ever had.

I had a discussion about love with the person I have a massive crush over and has rejected me TWICE. Yea. I know.

Why do I do these things to myself? You'd think I would have learned.

And then to make matters worse. I've gone and exploded apologies for being clingy and lovey to her. I feel so ashamed. I thought that I had moved past this. This bad judgement thing, this constant flirting thing.

I want to be friends and keep her in my life but the more we talk, the more I see that as an unlikely option.

It's sad really.

A guy who wants to be nothing but the best human being he can be while on this earth in his life.
But he's constantly combated by his desire for love, affection, and particularities.

Apparently I'm brave, not quite sure what that means. Because frankly, I don't see that I just see a lovesick, sniveling, complainer, with no motivation. And no real balls to just ask someone out!

Fuck off HEART!
JUST LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! SHE SAID FUCKING NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. LEAVE IT ALONE.

I like to see myself as a tough, strong man who can do anything and save anyone. So naturally the worst thing that can go wrong with my ego is when I look like I can't accomplish an exercise routine same as everyone else. Like feeling faint or nauseated. I now feel like everyone sees me as weak. I wish I could shrug that off and say that I don't care about what they think but I do. I do.


On another note, some people get on my nerves.
I don't try to ruffle feathers but somehow I do. There's a few people that no matter how much I try to be friendly and helpful they just take it the wrong way or over think it. It's really quite annoying.
I want to step back from interjecting myself into other peoples lives and opinions, because people don't like that. Especially with someone who CLEARLY has a lot of emotional issues to work out on his own. And he's not the smoothest talking, or most well-read, or quickest thinker. So he obviously isn't one to give advice. And no, I haven't gone through the worst of what life can throw at someone but I have seen, witnessed my fair share of turmoil, pain, and hurt. I do think through everything. It's just that my brain-to-mouth translator sucks ASS! I can't say it. EVER!

Well.
That was a rant.

I feel a little better.

Let's end on a high note.

(What is the difference between

I like you
I love you.

Beautifully answered by Buddha:

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily...!

One who understands this, understands life...")