It’s back. I feel it today.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired beyond comprehension, but I’m not well today.
I am so sad and mad.
I drove in Kait today and I ended up on bringing it up, the fact that I like her, again.
Why do I continue to make it awkward? I hate when I do that! I constantly make everything so maddening. And now it’s awkward again, I’m working towards getting over her. And it’s just difficult to try and move on successfully.
I don’t want these feelings anymore.
On another note, in rehearsal today, I worked my monologue in the show and I realized that I hate it. I actually hate it. I hate doing it. I just do.
Why?! I don’t want to hate it but it fucking sucks.
I feel so unauthentic, I feel so unreal, I feel so “acty”. And it’s getting in the way of everything. I feel so stupid. And nothing can be done except for myself to just trust that I’m executing it well.
I want to be honest. I do.
And I’m also so distracting in rehearsal and it’s so fucking annoying, because I don’t feel like I’m fun in my work if I’m not trying things. I don’t feel like I’m a good actor when that happens. I just feel like I’m in the way.
What do I do? Where do I go? How do I deal with it?
Is this darkness? Or my mind? Or both? Or am I just sad?
I don’t feel funny. I am funny. But I’m not a humorous person.
I think a lot. I love drama. I love love. But where is the value in that when what you say comes across as funny.
I’m not. I don’t look for the joke. But it’s there, it’s always there.
Why can’t it let me be the hero instead of the relief just once?
I want to be the hero.
But in my experience. I’ve either been the comedic sidekick or the villain. How is it that the thing you aim for most, is the thing you end up furthest from?
Leave me darkness. Leave me. And leave me alone heart. You’re fucking up my life and relationships.
Maybe I just don’t know how to handle the power that my heart holds yet.
I just don’t know.
