The day after i wrote this...

Hey.

There is no wifi at the retreat so this will be posted at a later date. Probably the next day.

So it’s the end of the first day of the retreat, and I am just exhausted.
I wasn’t in the highest of energy states this morning but I went on with the day anyway, we arrived at Pioneer Ranch and I went sledding.

I haven’t gone sledding in years. I went off the jump and down the hill several times. I was wet and cold from doing it for an hour, now I’m just exhausted. And I also am sore. In my knees.

I am having a hard time staying in a positive mode, it’s seems almost impossible. I’m staying away from her and it is heartbreaking. I want it to be okay. I’m just in so much emotional pain right now and I can’t help but feel things. I want to be alright.

But fucking my heart hurts!!!

I just need to be able to work passed this and figure out a new system of living. I don’t know what to do. I’m just fucking at a loss. Of Soul. I’m not for me. I’m not able to function, I can’t just think about anything except what is happening between the two of us. I want to be able to get through it. FUCK!

I’m so attached.

I need to let go, I need to fly away.

What do I do?

And the stupid thing is that I don’t even know if I want it. I don’t know what I would do, I don’t want to get involved in this stupid relationship shit. It sucks. The heartache I’ve put myself through.

I hate this retreat.

It’s been really nothing but bad memories for me. I’m just depressed.

I hate when people become so aware of how they present themselves that it affects other people in a negative way. I’m of course speaking with myself in mind.

I don’t know what I want. I want to be loved genuinely by the one person who I can’t seem to get to love me.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I must seem so troubled to people around me.
I’m coming off as an asshole. Or I’m coming off as the most emotionally unstable, depressive human on the planet. There’s no fucking in-between.

Day 17 and counting…
It’s tough. I’ve come extremely close to caving and I just can’t. I have to be strong. And I can do that.

I was realizing the other day that I need to find my own way to God. I have to find my own love for Him, I can’t try to build a relationship with Him based off of the strong relationship my crush has with Him and have me attempting to use it as a connection.

I am a human being.