Lone Wolves Keep Themselves Warm in the Harsh Winter Air

Here I lay.
High on top of a loft bed in an unfinished suite.

All by myself.

I kind of like it. The Solitude. The not being bothered. The minding my own business.
But.
I do still get lonely. I get these anxiety-like episodes of uncertainty and loneliness.

Like today, I felt as though I had made a wrong decision to be where I've committed to be for four months.
I was grumpy, stressed, sad, depressed, uncertain, impatient, etc.

I finally came to my senses after remembering it's day one of a life transition. Things will feel crappy to start.

I don't feel like I've done a lot with my life. Inexperienced, Immature.
It's as if I feel unsatisfied with where I'm at. I've had very little experiences or feelings that make life feel purposeful and that give me hope and meaning.

Unfortunately, one of those things... is just a friend now, and as much as I'm happy she's still in my life, I still hate to think that she won't be the one I wake up to, just the one I call every couple months or years as we grow older.

I found something else that fills my heart and soul with power, excitement, uncontainable joy, and purpose.

Canoeing.

I want to be an Olympic Canoer. Canoeist? I know it sounds crazy at 22 but I haven't had that much raw feeling for something that wasn't a woman, in ages.

I have always loved to canoe, ever since I could, I knew that I loved it. I wish I had one, and I wish that I kept up with it.
If I want to do this, I must dedicate myself to HARD training of the mind, body, and spirit.

Understanding who I am is most important right now, keeping my head down, working hard, and fulfilling joy in every aspect of my solitary life. Living the dream and preparing for something greater to come down the road ahead.

I am excited for the next couple months and years, don't get me wrong, I just worry that I'll get to the end of my life and shame myself for not doing more.
I never want to let go of my dreams, or the people in my life. Especially the ones that make that fire roar.

Goodnight from the loft inside the unfinished suite, off the corner of the single four way stop in a Hamlet tucked in the Valley.

But Then What?

What am I?

I seem to be socially awkward.

I seem to be self-centered.

I seem to be lazy.

I seem to be defensive.

I seem to be jealous.

I don't seem to keep friendships long, without arguing.

I make everything about me.

I am not motivated.

I am not organized.

I talk too much.

I'm obsessive.

I'm not disciplined

I seem unintelligent most of the time.

I seem ignorant.

I seem insincere.

Who have I become?

I received my evaluation from Mark about my Final Project. And I can't argue with anything that was said. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to quit theatre and cut myself off from everyone who knows the project, and everyone involved with my education at Rosebud.

I feel like a failure to everyone around me, a disappointment who's a lost cause.

I want to start fresh somewhere.





I think I'm going to fail.

I really, really do. And there's not a damn thing that I can do about it.

I'm not doing anything productive with my life at the moment. I live at home, I have no job, I'm single, I don't go out, I'm not very responsible. I'm not doing anything for my faith.

What's wrong with me?

Do I put too many people on a pedestal? Do I not make the first step? Do I obsess over the wrong thing?

There are so many people that I've hurt. There are so many people that I want to apologize too. There are so many times that I wish I could take back.

What am I doing here?




I feel like I'm driving to my failure tomorrow. I'm tenting. Whether that's smart or not, who knows. I'm too spontaneous, I rely on my ability to wing it too much. I don't prepare. I don't.

And I don't know how to change that without severely affecting the way that I view life or live it.

I'm glad this is my last item on my 'Graduate Rosebud List'.


I won't be a burden or a reason to roll eyes anymore to anyone in that town. I'll be out.


But then what?

The Beauty of Maggie Rogers

So let's go for a bit of a more positive post.

I'm adjusting to life at home, and as much as it's hard living with mom and dad, it' going alright. They're respecting my time and I'm making sure to take it. I do help out around the house more and I enjoy the work.
Such as chopping down a fucking tree today with an axe. I felt badass. My dad took a photo of me and my muscles that I've been working on 2 hours daily for the past 2 weeks is paying off. I'm starting to look fucking ripped! I love it.

I feel much better about myself as I have cut ties with Rosebud apart from a few things. It's such an amazing place, however sometimes it got to emotional and too real at times. I miss the connection and the people though. I have very little outside interaction here at home. But the upside to that is that I've been able to work on myself WAY more.

Like I said, I workout EVERYDAY and it's really beginning to pay off already and it's only the start of week number three. I've developed a much healthier eating habit, less sweets, more main food group stuff. I've finished a book a started 2 weeks ago and am starting another. (I'm not a reader). I am on a path of spiritual awakening, and I'm looking for my Father Saviour much harder. And I couldn't be more excited to search for Him.

I've started to spend more time with my parents and brother, I love it and I can tell that they appreciate having me at home as well. I don't have a job yet, and even though June is coming to an end quick, I enjoy the rest I'm getting. However, my school work is slow moving because I'm not giving it the time that it needs. I have a lot to do, but I believe that I'll get it done if I push myself, and I know I can.

I have started to stress about this upcoming wedding that I'm MCing, there's a lot to do and quite a bit happening. I do not want to come up short, so I've got to work my ass off. I've got everything I need to have the ball continue to roll and to even roll smoothly, I've just got to work at it, and efficiently.

I had a rough week last week, I had some heart stuff going on with Kait, we've talked and we've come to an agreement/understanding sort of thing. That I believe and have to trust is going to be quite alright for the both of us in the long run. It just sucks to put your heart through something like this. I've liked her a long time and still do. God has a plan and I've got to believe He'll do what's best.

A friend of mine, 14 years, Jared told me that he's never known me to be the player type. Now, let me explain. He said that once I have given over my heart to someone, it stays for quite awhile. Now this is not counting the crushes I've had, (but crushes come and go and heck you can have a crush on someone you've never met but in the long run they mean nothing unless another step has been made) I've only given my heart to a total of 5 girls, only 3 of which actually meant something substantial, so maybe only three. But the point he was making was that I'm built for commitment, it comes naturally to me, and I was quite surprised to hear this from Jared. I trust him with a lot of my life, a keeper of a friend for life, which in that category is again only a group of friends under 10 that I'd like to keep around forever.

On another note, I heard this song a few days ago, it's by a girl named Maggie Rogers, she's a student at a school in the states and she had a chance to meet and play a song for Pharrell and it was this one below. And fuck! It blew my mind, Pharrell's mind, and the teacher's mind all over the fucking room! She's a student, training, never produced before this, just pure passion for her sound. Have a listen, I can't stop listening to it.

(In fact, this whole post took about 15 minutes and I listened to this about 12 times on repeat)

Me and my broken heart

I hurt.

I sound like a broken record. But I'm in love

...

Err..

Was in love. Still in love.

Fuck. I don't know.

I think about her every fucking hour. Minute. Second.

It just isn't meant to be I guess. I want to text her, I want to message her. But it's not helpful.
For me. Or for her.

I also haven't been very honest with another woman. She's beautiful. But ultimately, I'm not be truthful to her how I feel and I'm approaching our relationship in an unhealthy way. Luckily, we've talked and have stopped.

But now I can focus on how my heart is broken.

She's my dream girl.

And I'm saying goodbye. She's confused. I'm confused. What is happening, God?


I'm working out everyday though, and eating much healthier. I haven't gotten to the spiritual connection yet. But working on it.

I can't fall asleep now. Because I'm thinking about her, and how I can't talk to her.

Fuckitty Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hate my love life. It fucking sucks.

Hello Darkness

We push on.

I have been celebrating these last few days and getting over my project. It's been nice. I've not felt happier in these last few days. Except that it's hitting me now.
Hence, the blog. I guess.

Most of the people I hung around with are gone. Or busy.

I leave this place that I've been the last few years.

Four.

The last four years.

I can't believe it.

I have to say goodbye to some people that I won't be seeing in a long, long time. If ever.
I'm gone in the next 3 days.

The last few hours.
I've already said goodbye to some. I have said goodbye to some a while ago.

I am moving on. Forward. Growing up.

I am starting my life.

I have an audition lined up for when I go home. But I don't have a job. Nothing to make sure that I am supported for the future. I worry that I won't be able to live the life that I want.

No girl. Which means no wife, therefore no family. Yet.
No job. No money. No travel.
No more education. No automatic social community.

I am scared. I don't want it. Lord help me.

Well...

Yeah... You. Lord.

I have promised to recommit this summer. And I have been failing. I have looked at porn this past week. It's not good. I feel like the shit, the depressive state is coming back.

I have no purpose to live right now. Because I'm done my schooling for the first time in 16 years. That's weird.

I've been eating junk too. I'm falling apart. Help me.

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What do you have planned for me?

What am I, Geordie, supposed to do? What happens? Show me I will turn out in a happy state of living.
Tell me I am stepping toward my dreams. Show me I am doing good. Show me everything will work out for me.

There are friendships that I wish were not messed up. People that I wish I didn't butt heads with. And it seems to be happening more frequently. Is it me? Everything I say around some people seem to set them off. Is there something about me that makes people want to knock me down a peg? I don't need it. I feel as though I'm pretty close to the ground as it is. Is it because I try to not let things bother me? Because I'm always optimistic, and it is making others disdain me? Why do these things happen to me? Why does everything I touch seem to run away, or hate me, or turn to shit?

It doesn't make sense.
I've tried to be the best human being that I can be. And will continue to.

The crying isn't stopping...

I've had a terrible night.
I haven't slept at all.

I had a meltdown. And I cried myself to sleep.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore.
All the friends I thought that I could talk to have either moved away, I haven't built enough trust between them, or something has happened to cause a rift.

I'm so stressed about this week. I just want my project over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want it to stop.
I'm finished.
I've given all that I can give right now. I can't give anymore. I can just give what I have.

I have no one to hold me. I have no one to be there for me right now.

That's what I wanted last night most of all was to cry into someones chest. But I had to cry in a ball on my bed. And I fell asleep... or at least for an hour.

I was at a wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful but it was too much.
Love.
The thing that I never seem to have.
And after the week prior to it, it was hard to sit and witness.

I've lost someone very, very dear to me. I can't go back to her, because it's not fair to her or me.

And because I feel like we've broken up our friendship/relationship, I truly feel heartbroken.
My heart was in actual pain last night.
They started to dance at the wedding and I couldn't stay there, it was different standing there last night in contrast to the Schmidt wedding. Where I still had hope.
But now that is gone.
I didn't want to dance. Not alone. Not with anyone. Except one. And I couldn't, she was gone, and she doesn't want me anymore.
It would've felt fake. Like I was trying to cover it up.

So I left.
I couldn't bear the pain my heart is being put through.

I shouldn't have given it so openly and deeply. I feel so much hurt that I'm still crying as I write this.
It doesn't feel like I can love again. And that is so ridiculously cliche, but it's how I feel.

I just have to somehow survive this week of stress, heartache, family, and education. Also I'm jobless at the moment, so I have no cash flow of any sort.

I just want to stay in bed forever. I feel like I have kind of lost the will to push on.
It's what being in love feels like I guess.

That sounded so pathetic.

From Love with Care, Goodbye.

Let me tell you a story.

It's about a guy.
Who fell in love with a girl.

I don't want this to sound cliche, but I know that I won't be telling you everything that should be said.

Privacy, Details, Forgetfulness, Necessity.

I fell in love.

And that's difficult to say, because I have fallen in love with a lot of people.
But no one has made me feel the way that she does.
And that could be that I'm in so deep. But it could just be that it was real, and nothing that I projected onto the situation.

I have gotten to know this girl emotionally, and I enjoy her company, because I don' feel like I need anyone else's company when I'm with her. And even now, away from her.

But the catch is that this girl does not feel the same way.
And that is hard.

She doesn't.

And that is okay. Just fine, in fact.

She will feel what she wants and needs to. And I respect that. I just hope now that I don't lose her from my life as a friend because of this difference.

I laugh hardest around her, I feel strongest around her, I feel best around her.
She is a truly incredible friend.

Now, you might say I'm biased because I'm in love.

But as much as that may be the truth, I believe and feel that there is a true friendship underneath it all.

We've gone through a phase of awkward chats and discussion about our status as friends. And all of them have been hard. Not because the truth was spoken, but because I've had to cut off one of my best friends afterwards for a period of time. I don't want to lose her from my life.

Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just let go.
But the world is a scary place and I am unsure where I will be led.
I do, however, strive to be closer to God on this journey forward. I have given this girl my heart, more than once. Now, I can't do anything else. It is not my call to make. And I'm not sure if it's hers anymore. It's the big mans. Almighty.

I just don't understand the confusion that has happened or is happening.
It's so much pain.
More than I've felt. Ever.

She is struggling and I can't help her. And that's what hurts me most. I have no jurisdiction.
My hands must be wiped clean.

And that's the hardest part of this, moving forward.

What do I do with myself? How do I deal with the pain that I feel? The strange sense of calm?

I am pessimistic of the future at the moment. There's little hope.
Help me Lord.
All I can do now about this I guess. Is hope that through you Lord, I find her. And maybe this is where our story does end.
Harsh and Broken and Unsure. And Terrified.

Goodbye. Hope for this must leave now. I have no choice but to show you the door.
I must pray and trust that my life will be presented with gifts that I can't even imagine.

Tears are on their way. I should close now.