I'm Fine.

Tonight has been one of those nights where I recognize how lonely I am.
And that's not a bad thing, by all means.

No, What I mean is that I wish I had someone to come home to, and vice versa, I wish I was somebody that someone could come home to as well.

I really was feeling the weight of the day, especially near the end of the day. I came home from a shift at Kith & Kin, and I'll tell you that I would've given anything...

and, yes, I do mean anything...

..to be able to go into the arms of someone that I loved and loved me to kiss and to hold.

I wish that I was able to do exactly what I did tonight, just with someone beside me.

Come home, tidy up.
Make a quick, bland meal.
Make some tea.
Set out some laundry.
Set up my computer/TV.
Answer some emails.
Pull up Netflix.
And watch Gilmore Girls with my slippers in the glimpses of lamplight cascading from my bedside table.

I wish that it wasn't so hard to find someone.

But truly. find. someone.

I want to be able to tell someone my hopes.
My dreams.
The stupid ideas I've had throughout the day that could potentially be fantastic.

I wish I had someone to encourage me to move forward, even if what lies ahead is foggy and mysterious.

It doesn't help that I get flustered easily around anyone I find kind, chill, pleasant, fun, and enjoyable, and doubly so if they happen to be the opposite gender.
So I end up saying things I don't mean,
or cracking jokes I don't want to,
or being macho,
or playing it cool,
or showing off,
or not being genuine.

Which prevents me from being the true inner Geordie I want people to see.

This whole adult thing is hard. But I don't want to be a child anymore. So I must.

The good, the bad, and the poetry

As I live in this hell
She seems to be near
Living and breathing
Her own fucking life here

As I live in this hell
Ive got to move passed it
In order to find
A way out of this shit

As I live in this hell
My heart seems to ache
With every glance of her face
Or even her namesake

As I live in this hell
I'm reminded and sad
The loving, the stupid
And the hurt that I've had

As I live in this hell
It's time I must go
Forced into the dark
I trudge along slow

As I live in this hell
She will not rule me
Day in and day out
It's time I break free

A Mouse Hunt

What is happening to me?
My life feels so stagnant and unlucky right now.

I can't talk to one of my closest friends right now.
I'm stuck in a job that's barely paying me a living wage.
I feel out of place because I am not a student and don't fit in with the crowd because I'm trying to also not be a part of the student body.
I have a FUCKING MOUSE IN MY SUITE!
I'm not sleeping well.
I don't know what I'm going to do in the upcoming months to help pay for food and stuff.

I'm just so stressed right now.

And then to top it all off I came into rehearsal for the 2nd year student Christmas show to shadow the director and I got some aggression from Caitlyn, for bringing my supper into rehearsal?? Probably reading into it too much, but it was said with such disdain as if I had just destroyed her life. I haven't done anything that I'm aware of, so I'm confused as to why I was given hostility.

I also broke really hard the other day, I looked at pornography and I feel just fucking awful, every time I look, I feel as though my life is falling apart and skidding across the pavement. I don't feel adequate enough to even live. I shouldn't be stuck in this loop of shit.

I can't pursue dating because of this addiction and also because I don't know when and if I'd relapse over the person that I can't seem to get over. There's a person I want to ask out on a legitimate date but I don't want to be unfair.

I feel like I should give up on my spiritual life and I feel like I should I just not try. It's just terrible.

I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I should be acting like an adult and treating my mentors like colleagues and friends but where do I go for answers to things I don't know.

What is happening in my life? Why am I going through this shitty period?

Help me.
Someone.
Something.

Replace a Flat with the Spare

Well, here again.
Never thought I'd need to chat with you again.
For awhile anyway. Guess it has been.

I don't know what's going on.
I'm in deep. I'm in love. And I've known that I've needed to get over this girl many of times before. But this time, it's different. This time, I've been reassured that there is NO POSSIBLE CHANCE OF US GETTING TOGETHER.

EVER.

So that's exciting. And the stupid thing is, I can't go find someone else because that's just not fair.

To me.
Her.

It's not.

I'm not in a place to do that. I need to move on. But I need to move on, with myself. Which is difficult considering that I'm kind of horny dude, who likes a lot of women.
And I've tried to stop the whole pornography thing before. It's never worked out in the long run because my sexual energy is extremely high. I need to find a way to control that energy, off put it elsewhere.
So I've started to adopt and research practices and lifestyle of celibates, and more specifically, celibate religious members. I am attempting to step back entirely from the whole ordeal. Which means the bottom line is that I cannot date anyone. Period.

Now.
This is a temporary agreement I've made. But that doesn't douse the meaning of it all.
Let's hope it helps.

I see so many people happy, I see so many things working out for people. And I just hate watching it because I want it so bad. But I don't. Because deep down, I want SOMEONE so bad. And I've finally realized that my issue was that I didn't want to let go. But have to. Have to.

I hear rumblings that people like me and stuff like that, but I don't want to pursue, mostly because I don't want to hurt them, even if I was just trying things out. I don't want to start something again that I can't finish.

I need to find myself.
Find God.
Find my desires.
Find everything that makes me whole.

I'm on quite a ride. And it's killing me from the inside out. But I'm still breathing.
For some reason.
I suppose.

Lone Wolves Keep Themselves Warm in the Harsh Winter Air

Here I lay.
High on top of a loft bed in an unfinished suite.

All by myself.

I kind of like it. The Solitude. The not being bothered. The minding my own business.
But.
I do still get lonely. I get these anxiety-like episodes of uncertainty and loneliness.

Like today, I felt as though I had made a wrong decision to be where I've committed to be for four months.
I was grumpy, stressed, sad, depressed, uncertain, impatient, etc.

I finally came to my senses after remembering it's day one of a life transition. Things will feel crappy to start.

I don't feel like I've done a lot with my life. Inexperienced, Immature.
It's as if I feel unsatisfied with where I'm at. I've had very little experiences or feelings that make life feel purposeful and that give me hope and meaning.

Unfortunately, one of those things... is just a friend now, and as much as I'm happy she's still in my life, I still hate to think that she won't be the one I wake up to, just the one I call every couple months or years as we grow older.

I found something else that fills my heart and soul with power, excitement, uncontainable joy, and purpose.

Canoeing.

I want to be an Olympic Canoer. Canoeist? I know it sounds crazy at 22 but I haven't had that much raw feeling for something that wasn't a woman, in ages.

I have always loved to canoe, ever since I could, I knew that I loved it. I wish I had one, and I wish that I kept up with it.
If I want to do this, I must dedicate myself to HARD training of the mind, body, and spirit.

Understanding who I am is most important right now, keeping my head down, working hard, and fulfilling joy in every aspect of my solitary life. Living the dream and preparing for something greater to come down the road ahead.

I am excited for the next couple months and years, don't get me wrong, I just worry that I'll get to the end of my life and shame myself for not doing more.
I never want to let go of my dreams, or the people in my life. Especially the ones that make that fire roar.

Goodnight from the loft inside the unfinished suite, off the corner of the single four way stop in a Hamlet tucked in the Valley.

But Then What?

What am I?

I seem to be socially awkward.

I seem to be self-centered.

I seem to be lazy.

I seem to be defensive.

I seem to be jealous.

I don't seem to keep friendships long, without arguing.

I make everything about me.

I am not motivated.

I am not organized.

I talk too much.

I'm obsessive.

I'm not disciplined

I seem unintelligent most of the time.

I seem ignorant.

I seem insincere.

Who have I become?

I received my evaluation from Mark about my Final Project. And I can't argue with anything that was said. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to quit theatre and cut myself off from everyone who knows the project, and everyone involved with my education at Rosebud.

I feel like a failure to everyone around me, a disappointment who's a lost cause.

I want to start fresh somewhere.





I think I'm going to fail.

I really, really do. And there's not a damn thing that I can do about it.

I'm not doing anything productive with my life at the moment. I live at home, I have no job, I'm single, I don't go out, I'm not very responsible. I'm not doing anything for my faith.

What's wrong with me?

Do I put too many people on a pedestal? Do I not make the first step? Do I obsess over the wrong thing?

There are so many people that I've hurt. There are so many people that I want to apologize too. There are so many times that I wish I could take back.

What am I doing here?




I feel like I'm driving to my failure tomorrow. I'm tenting. Whether that's smart or not, who knows. I'm too spontaneous, I rely on my ability to wing it too much. I don't prepare. I don't.

And I don't know how to change that without severely affecting the way that I view life or live it.

I'm glad this is my last item on my 'Graduate Rosebud List'.


I won't be a burden or a reason to roll eyes anymore to anyone in that town. I'll be out.


But then what?

The Beauty of Maggie Rogers

So let's go for a bit of a more positive post.

I'm adjusting to life at home, and as much as it's hard living with mom and dad, it' going alright. They're respecting my time and I'm making sure to take it. I do help out around the house more and I enjoy the work.
Such as chopping down a fucking tree today with an axe. I felt badass. My dad took a photo of me and my muscles that I've been working on 2 hours daily for the past 2 weeks is paying off. I'm starting to look fucking ripped! I love it.

I feel much better about myself as I have cut ties with Rosebud apart from a few things. It's such an amazing place, however sometimes it got to emotional and too real at times. I miss the connection and the people though. I have very little outside interaction here at home. But the upside to that is that I've been able to work on myself WAY more.

Like I said, I workout EVERYDAY and it's really beginning to pay off already and it's only the start of week number three. I've developed a much healthier eating habit, less sweets, more main food group stuff. I've finished a book a started 2 weeks ago and am starting another. (I'm not a reader). I am on a path of spiritual awakening, and I'm looking for my Father Saviour much harder. And I couldn't be more excited to search for Him.

I've started to spend more time with my parents and brother, I love it and I can tell that they appreciate having me at home as well. I don't have a job yet, and even though June is coming to an end quick, I enjoy the rest I'm getting. However, my school work is slow moving because I'm not giving it the time that it needs. I have a lot to do, but I believe that I'll get it done if I push myself, and I know I can.

I have started to stress about this upcoming wedding that I'm MCing, there's a lot to do and quite a bit happening. I do not want to come up short, so I've got to work my ass off. I've got everything I need to have the ball continue to roll and to even roll smoothly, I've just got to work at it, and efficiently.

I had a rough week last week, I had some heart stuff going on with Kait, we've talked and we've come to an agreement/understanding sort of thing. That I believe and have to trust is going to be quite alright for the both of us in the long run. It just sucks to put your heart through something like this. I've liked her a long time and still do. God has a plan and I've got to believe He'll do what's best.

A friend of mine, 14 years, Jared told me that he's never known me to be the player type. Now, let me explain. He said that once I have given over my heart to someone, it stays for quite awhile. Now this is not counting the crushes I've had, (but crushes come and go and heck you can have a crush on someone you've never met but in the long run they mean nothing unless another step has been made) I've only given my heart to a total of 5 girls, only 3 of which actually meant something substantial, so maybe only three. But the point he was making was that I'm built for commitment, it comes naturally to me, and I was quite surprised to hear this from Jared. I trust him with a lot of my life, a keeper of a friend for life, which in that category is again only a group of friends under 10 that I'd like to keep around forever.

On another note, I heard this song a few days ago, it's by a girl named Maggie Rogers, she's a student at a school in the states and she had a chance to meet and play a song for Pharrell and it was this one below. And fuck! It blew my mind, Pharrell's mind, and the teacher's mind all over the fucking room! She's a student, training, never produced before this, just pure passion for her sound. Have a listen, I can't stop listening to it.

(In fact, this whole post took about 15 minutes and I listened to this about 12 times on repeat)