The Death of the Dinosaur

It’s back. I feel it today.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired beyond comprehension, but I’m not well today.

I am so sad and mad.

I drove in Kait today and I ended up on bringing it up, the fact that I like her, again.
Why do I continue to make it awkward? I hate when I do that! I constantly make everything so maddening. And now it’s awkward again, I’m working towards getting over her. And it’s just difficult to try and move on successfully.

I don’t want these feelings anymore.

On another note, in rehearsal today, I worked my monologue in the show and I realized that I hate it. I actually hate it. I hate doing it. I just do.

Why?! I don’t want to hate it but it fucking sucks.

I feel so unauthentic, I feel so unreal, I feel so “acty”. And it’s getting in the way of everything. I feel so stupid. And nothing can be done except for myself to just trust that I’m executing it well.

I want to be honest. I do.

And I’m also so distracting in rehearsal and it’s so fucking annoying, because I don’t feel like I’m fun in my work if I’m not trying things. I don’t feel like I’m a good actor when that happens. I just feel like I’m in the way.

What do I do? Where do I go? How do I deal with it?
Is this darkness? Or my mind? Or both? Or am I just sad?

I don’t feel funny. I am funny. But I’m not a humorous person.
I think a lot. I love drama. I love love. But where is the value in that when what you say comes across as funny.

I’m not. I don’t look for the joke. But it’s there, it’s always there.

Why can’t it let me be the hero instead of the relief just once?

I want to be the hero.
But in my experience. I’ve either been the comedic sidekick or the villain. How is it that the thing you aim for most, is the thing you end up furthest from?

Leave me darkness. Leave me. And leave me alone heart. You’re fucking up my life and relationships.
Maybe I just don’t know how to handle the power that my heart holds yet.

I just don’t know.

The day after i wrote this...

Hey.

There is no wifi at the retreat so this will be posted at a later date. Probably the next day.

So it’s the end of the first day of the retreat, and I am just exhausted.
I wasn’t in the highest of energy states this morning but I went on with the day anyway, we arrived at Pioneer Ranch and I went sledding.

I haven’t gone sledding in years. I went off the jump and down the hill several times. I was wet and cold from doing it for an hour, now I’m just exhausted. And I also am sore. In my knees.

I am having a hard time staying in a positive mode, it’s seems almost impossible. I’m staying away from her and it is heartbreaking. I want it to be okay. I’m just in so much emotional pain right now and I can’t help but feel things. I want to be alright.

But fucking my heart hurts!!!

I just need to be able to work passed this and figure out a new system of living. I don’t know what to do. I’m just fucking at a loss. Of Soul. I’m not for me. I’m not able to function, I can’t just think about anything except what is happening between the two of us. I want to be able to get through it. FUCK!

I’m so attached.

I need to let go, I need to fly away.

What do I do?

And the stupid thing is that I don’t even know if I want it. I don’t know what I would do, I don’t want to get involved in this stupid relationship shit. It sucks. The heartache I’ve put myself through.

I hate this retreat.

It’s been really nothing but bad memories for me. I’m just depressed.

I hate when people become so aware of how they present themselves that it affects other people in a negative way. I’m of course speaking with myself in mind.

I don’t know what I want. I want to be loved genuinely by the one person who I can’t seem to get to love me.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I must seem so troubled to people around me.
I’m coming off as an asshole. Or I’m coming off as the most emotionally unstable, depressive human on the planet. There’s no fucking in-between.

Day 17 and counting…
It’s tough. I’ve come extremely close to caving and I just can’t. I have to be strong. And I can do that.

I was realizing the other day that I need to find my own way to God. I have to find my own love for Him, I can’t try to build a relationship with Him based off of the strong relationship my crush has with Him and have me attempting to use it as a connection.

I am a human being.

What is this?

It's late.
And I should be in bed.
But I'm not.
I'm busy. I should sleep.
I have a retreat.
I have a show.
I have homework.
I need to be in bed.

But I'm not.

Why?

Well, I've been packing, I've been on the internet killing time.

I've been dwelling.

I can't seem to shake it. I am so involved emotionally with someone who is quickly becoming a best friend and at the same time someone who is leaving my life way sooner than I'd have liked.

I don't think I can love, or even care. I'm either numb or so incredibly deep that I've forgotten how deep I am.

What? What is this?
The theme of the week, and it's kind of getting old.


I'm so exhausted already.

And I've just started my semester. I'm off to a bad start.


My friend gets married tomorrow (today). Crazy.
Adding another to the list.

I want that. But maybe I'm not capable, maybe I'm not ready.

And I'm sure I'm most certainly barking up the wrong tree.

Well.
Cheers.
This post seems irrelevant.
Hmm.
It's late.

Be patient within me, Child.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep, full relationship with another,
To be loved exclusively,
But God to the Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied and content
with being loved by me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me,
to have an intense, personal, and unique relationship
with me alone.
I love you my child, and until you discover that
only in me is your satisfaction to be found
you will not be capable of the perfect human
relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desire or longing.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing,
and allow me to bring that person to you.
Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you -
you just wait."

"And then, when you are ready
I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful
than you would ever dream of.
I am working this minute to have you both
ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me,
and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love!"

"And dear one,
I want you to have this perfect love,
I want you to see in the flesh
a picture of your relationship with me,
And enjoy maturely the love that i offer you with myself."

"Please know that I love you - Believe it and be satisfied."

- Author Unknown

Sometimes all you need is sleep.

Back.
Good news is that I've been porn-free since last year. And I'm still trucking.

Bad News is that I've fucked up!

Yay! Surprise, surprise.

I thought I was making good headway with Kait and moving forward in getting over her. WHY CAN'T I DO IT?
I'm trying so damn hard. I have even made prayers to God to take the love away, and so far, He hasn't.

Yesterday, (Friday) I had a long, albeit awkward, conversation with her. We talked about our educational demise and we talked or rather I talked about love. I explained my description of love and how I approach it. And now that I think back on it, it was one of the single dumbest conversations I've ever had.

I had a discussion about love with the person I have a massive crush over and has rejected me TWICE. Yea. I know.

Why do I do these things to myself? You'd think I would have learned.

And then to make matters worse. I've gone and exploded apologies for being clingy and lovey to her. I feel so ashamed. I thought that I had moved past this. This bad judgement thing, this constant flirting thing.

I want to be friends and keep her in my life but the more we talk, the more I see that as an unlikely option.

It's sad really.

A guy who wants to be nothing but the best human being he can be while on this earth in his life.
But he's constantly combated by his desire for love, affection, and particularities.

Apparently I'm brave, not quite sure what that means. Because frankly, I don't see that I just see a lovesick, sniveling, complainer, with no motivation. And no real balls to just ask someone out!

Fuck off HEART!
JUST LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! SHE SAID FUCKING NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. LEAVE IT ALONE.

I like to see myself as a tough, strong man who can do anything and save anyone. So naturally the worst thing that can go wrong with my ego is when I look like I can't accomplish an exercise routine same as everyone else. Like feeling faint or nauseated. I now feel like everyone sees me as weak. I wish I could shrug that off and say that I don't care about what they think but I do. I do.


On another note, some people get on my nerves.
I don't try to ruffle feathers but somehow I do. There's a few people that no matter how much I try to be friendly and helpful they just take it the wrong way or over think it. It's really quite annoying.
I want to step back from interjecting myself into other peoples lives and opinions, because people don't like that. Especially with someone who CLEARLY has a lot of emotional issues to work out on his own. And he's not the smoothest talking, or most well-read, or quickest thinker. So he obviously isn't one to give advice. And no, I haven't gone through the worst of what life can throw at someone but I have seen, witnessed my fair share of turmoil, pain, and hurt. I do think through everything. It's just that my brain-to-mouth translator sucks ASS! I can't say it. EVER!

Well.
That was a rant.

I feel a little better.

Let's end on a high note.

(What is the difference between

I like you
I love you.

Beautifully answered by Buddha:

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily...!

One who understands this, understands life...")

Ed Sheeran has saved me often

Back again.

This feels like therapy in it's own right. Right here.
I think I'll frequent my blog more often this year... and I think that's not a bad thing.

The first day of 2016 has now come and gone. And...
It was pretty up and down. Pros and cons. Always I suppose.
I lost my mind today and had to just de-stress intensely in my room after hanging out with my family and grandmothers.
I was super tired all day from the party last night.
However, day one of three hundred and sixty five and it was porn free. YES.

You know, I started this entry withholding great sadness and sorrow. I now feel blessed, and relatively ok. I have a good year to look forward to. It's going to be busy and hard. But I can do it if I work HARD. And I know I can. I need to overcome my lazy nature and just work my handsome, hairy ass off.

I've been reading some other blogs, and they are written by beloved friends, I enjoy reading into their lives. And knowing what they are thinking in the moment. Sometimes it's difficult to read and sometimes it's heartwarming. I have to realize that I am one of the only ones that can choose how I feel and how I see the world.
I can't change the world around me. I can only change myself, and hope with the best of my ability that I make a difference in the occasional harsh reality that is life.

I should be a lot more grateful for what I have than what I give credit for. I am in 3 shows in the next 6 months and that's AMAZING! AND they are all major roles. I couldn't be more blessed, especially with the typecast I was born with, this wasn't expected. Thank you Lord.

I am infatuated with two people right now and that's such a blessing. Honestly. I may not be in a relationship but who says that give you happiness. Even feeling happy when I think or daydream over what could be. It's such a powerful way to increase mood.

I have the privilege of loving everyone I meet and grow around. Sure, it's hard to say goodbye or it's hard to live with someone, but I love them and hopefully they love me. And for that, I couldn't ask for more.

I am scared for this year. But as much as I am unsure, it excites me to know that anything could happen.

I received a text this morning that changed my morning and it was beautiful, it was from a friend that does nothing but cares for their friends, it said:
"Happy New Year! I hope you achieve all that you've ever dreamed with the love you deserve"
Blown. Away.

I was truly thankful for it.

Before I finish this entry, here's a blurb from Neil Gaiman:
"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

I have a long drive tomorrow. I hope it's well, and I have to say bye to my family for five months, it'll be hard.

With all the optimism I can muster, with all the hope I contain... Blessings (Geordie, listen up)

You will be fine.

It's a New Year... Now what?

This seems to have become my depression confession blog...
And I'm here more often.

Well, it's a new year.
Yay.
3 shows.
Producing.
Graduating.
Farewells.
New jobs.
No fall term.
Travel planning.
22.
A few weddings.

I've got a little bit happening this year.

I've just spent the evening with my friend and his family, pretty much the same as I've done for years, but it was different because there was pretty much only couples there, and a LOT of wedding talk.
All in all, it was a lonely New Years for me.

The last few New Years have been memorable but honestly all I want to do with this one is forget it, there was no "bros" around (besides one who couldn't talk because of a wisdoms teeth pull), no girlfriend to love up on, no family because I was not at home.
It was different.
And in the morning I'm the only attempting to keep the sunset tradition.
It's saddening.

I feel like I'm getting worse, sadder, by the day. I have reached the point where I need to almost call my therapist again.
I'm excited for the new year and what it has to offer but there's a gut feeling that's going to be one of the worst years of my life, and I can't shake it. But I'm marching on with my head up, heart out and attempting a smile.

We'll see what happens.

I feel pathetic.
All the complaining I do about relationships but it's important to me, and I feel snubbed.
The last relationship I was in was almost entirely my fault. I did stuff in that relationship that I never want to do again an I can't get over what I've done, and in relative terms it's not even bad it's just physically, emotionally and mentally clingy, I can't shake it.

I'm so conflicted with my heart at the moment that I almost want to swear off girls this year.

Let's do some New Years resolutions:
Be more diligent in your work
Offer opinion only when invited and don't overstep it.
Don't hold a grudge.
Be kinder.
Invest more in everything.
Don't be so hard in myself.
Give up pornography.
Flirt less.


Happy new year.
It'll be a cinch.
I hope...