The Beauty of Maggie Rogers

So let's go for a bit of a more positive post.

I'm adjusting to life at home, and as much as it's hard living with mom and dad, it' going alright. They're respecting my time and I'm making sure to take it. I do help out around the house more and I enjoy the work.
Such as chopping down a fucking tree today with an axe. I felt badass. My dad took a photo of me and my muscles that I've been working on 2 hours daily for the past 2 weeks is paying off. I'm starting to look fucking ripped! I love it.

I feel much better about myself as I have cut ties with Rosebud apart from a few things. It's such an amazing place, however sometimes it got to emotional and too real at times. I miss the connection and the people though. I have very little outside interaction here at home. But the upside to that is that I've been able to work on myself WAY more.

Like I said, I workout EVERYDAY and it's really beginning to pay off already and it's only the start of week number three. I've developed a much healthier eating habit, less sweets, more main food group stuff. I've finished a book a started 2 weeks ago and am starting another. (I'm not a reader). I am on a path of spiritual awakening, and I'm looking for my Father Saviour much harder. And I couldn't be more excited to search for Him.

I've started to spend more time with my parents and brother, I love it and I can tell that they appreciate having me at home as well. I don't have a job yet, and even though June is coming to an end quick, I enjoy the rest I'm getting. However, my school work is slow moving because I'm not giving it the time that it needs. I have a lot to do, but I believe that I'll get it done if I push myself, and I know I can.

I have started to stress about this upcoming wedding that I'm MCing, there's a lot to do and quite a bit happening. I do not want to come up short, so I've got to work my ass off. I've got everything I need to have the ball continue to roll and to even roll smoothly, I've just got to work at it, and efficiently.

I had a rough week last week, I had some heart stuff going on with Kait, we've talked and we've come to an agreement/understanding sort of thing. That I believe and have to trust is going to be quite alright for the both of us in the long run. It just sucks to put your heart through something like this. I've liked her a long time and still do. God has a plan and I've got to believe He'll do what's best.

A friend of mine, 14 years, Jared told me that he's never known me to be the player type. Now, let me explain. He said that once I have given over my heart to someone, it stays for quite awhile. Now this is not counting the crushes I've had, (but crushes come and go and heck you can have a crush on someone you've never met but in the long run they mean nothing unless another step has been made) I've only given my heart to a total of 5 girls, only 3 of which actually meant something substantial, so maybe only three. But the point he was making was that I'm built for commitment, it comes naturally to me, and I was quite surprised to hear this from Jared. I trust him with a lot of my life, a keeper of a friend for life, which in that category is again only a group of friends under 10 that I'd like to keep around forever.

On another note, I heard this song a few days ago, it's by a girl named Maggie Rogers, she's a student at a school in the states and she had a chance to meet and play a song for Pharrell and it was this one below. And fuck! It blew my mind, Pharrell's mind, and the teacher's mind all over the fucking room! She's a student, training, never produced before this, just pure passion for her sound. Have a listen, I can't stop listening to it.

(In fact, this whole post took about 15 minutes and I listened to this about 12 times on repeat)

Me and my broken heart

I hurt.

I sound like a broken record. But I'm in love

...

Err..

Was in love. Still in love.

Fuck. I don't know.

I think about her every fucking hour. Minute. Second.

It just isn't meant to be I guess. I want to text her, I want to message her. But it's not helpful.
For me. Or for her.

I also haven't been very honest with another woman. She's beautiful. But ultimately, I'm not be truthful to her how I feel and I'm approaching our relationship in an unhealthy way. Luckily, we've talked and have stopped.

But now I can focus on how my heart is broken.

She's my dream girl.

And I'm saying goodbye. She's confused. I'm confused. What is happening, God?


I'm working out everyday though, and eating much healthier. I haven't gotten to the spiritual connection yet. But working on it.

I can't fall asleep now. Because I'm thinking about her, and how I can't talk to her.

Fuckitty Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hate my love life. It fucking sucks.

Hello Darkness

We push on.

I have been celebrating these last few days and getting over my project. It's been nice. I've not felt happier in these last few days. Except that it's hitting me now.
Hence, the blog. I guess.

Most of the people I hung around with are gone. Or busy.

I leave this place that I've been the last few years.

Four.

The last four years.

I can't believe it.

I have to say goodbye to some people that I won't be seeing in a long, long time. If ever.
I'm gone in the next 3 days.

The last few hours.
I've already said goodbye to some. I have said goodbye to some a while ago.

I am moving on. Forward. Growing up.

I am starting my life.

I have an audition lined up for when I go home. But I don't have a job. Nothing to make sure that I am supported for the future. I worry that I won't be able to live the life that I want.

No girl. Which means no wife, therefore no family. Yet.
No job. No money. No travel.
No more education. No automatic social community.

I am scared. I don't want it. Lord help me.

Well...

Yeah... You. Lord.

I have promised to recommit this summer. And I have been failing. I have looked at porn this past week. It's not good. I feel like the shit, the depressive state is coming back.

I have no purpose to live right now. Because I'm done my schooling for the first time in 16 years. That's weird.

I've been eating junk too. I'm falling apart. Help me.

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What do you have planned for me?

What am I, Geordie, supposed to do? What happens? Show me I will turn out in a happy state of living.
Tell me I am stepping toward my dreams. Show me I am doing good. Show me everything will work out for me.

There are friendships that I wish were not messed up. People that I wish I didn't butt heads with. And it seems to be happening more frequently. Is it me? Everything I say around some people seem to set them off. Is there something about me that makes people want to knock me down a peg? I don't need it. I feel as though I'm pretty close to the ground as it is. Is it because I try to not let things bother me? Because I'm always optimistic, and it is making others disdain me? Why do these things happen to me? Why does everything I touch seem to run away, or hate me, or turn to shit?

It doesn't make sense.
I've tried to be the best human being that I can be. And will continue to.

The crying isn't stopping...

I've had a terrible night.
I haven't slept at all.

I had a meltdown. And I cried myself to sleep.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore.
All the friends I thought that I could talk to have either moved away, I haven't built enough trust between them, or something has happened to cause a rift.

I'm so stressed about this week. I just want my project over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want it to stop.
I'm finished.
I've given all that I can give right now. I can't give anymore. I can just give what I have.

I have no one to hold me. I have no one to be there for me right now.

That's what I wanted last night most of all was to cry into someones chest. But I had to cry in a ball on my bed. And I fell asleep... or at least for an hour.

I was at a wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful but it was too much.
Love.
The thing that I never seem to have.
And after the week prior to it, it was hard to sit and witness.

I've lost someone very, very dear to me. I can't go back to her, because it's not fair to her or me.

And because I feel like we've broken up our friendship/relationship, I truly feel heartbroken.
My heart was in actual pain last night.
They started to dance at the wedding and I couldn't stay there, it was different standing there last night in contrast to the Schmidt wedding. Where I still had hope.
But now that is gone.
I didn't want to dance. Not alone. Not with anyone. Except one. And I couldn't, she was gone, and she doesn't want me anymore.
It would've felt fake. Like I was trying to cover it up.

So I left.
I couldn't bear the pain my heart is being put through.

I shouldn't have given it so openly and deeply. I feel so much hurt that I'm still crying as I write this.
It doesn't feel like I can love again. And that is so ridiculously cliche, but it's how I feel.

I just have to somehow survive this week of stress, heartache, family, and education. Also I'm jobless at the moment, so I have no cash flow of any sort.

I just want to stay in bed forever. I feel like I have kind of lost the will to push on.
It's what being in love feels like I guess.

That sounded so pathetic.

From Love with Care, Goodbye.

Let me tell you a story.

It's about a guy.
Who fell in love with a girl.

I don't want this to sound cliche, but I know that I won't be telling you everything that should be said.

Privacy, Details, Forgetfulness, Necessity.

I fell in love.

And that's difficult to say, because I have fallen in love with a lot of people.
But no one has made me feel the way that she does.
And that could be that I'm in so deep. But it could just be that it was real, and nothing that I projected onto the situation.

I have gotten to know this girl emotionally, and I enjoy her company, because I don' feel like I need anyone else's company when I'm with her. And even now, away from her.

But the catch is that this girl does not feel the same way.
And that is hard.

She doesn't.

And that is okay. Just fine, in fact.

She will feel what she wants and needs to. And I respect that. I just hope now that I don't lose her from my life as a friend because of this difference.

I laugh hardest around her, I feel strongest around her, I feel best around her.
She is a truly incredible friend.

Now, you might say I'm biased because I'm in love.

But as much as that may be the truth, I believe and feel that there is a true friendship underneath it all.

We've gone through a phase of awkward chats and discussion about our status as friends. And all of them have been hard. Not because the truth was spoken, but because I've had to cut off one of my best friends afterwards for a period of time. I don't want to lose her from my life.

Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just let go.
But the world is a scary place and I am unsure where I will be led.
I do, however, strive to be closer to God on this journey forward. I have given this girl my heart, more than once. Now, I can't do anything else. It is not my call to make. And I'm not sure if it's hers anymore. It's the big mans. Almighty.

I just don't understand the confusion that has happened or is happening.
It's so much pain.
More than I've felt. Ever.

She is struggling and I can't help her. And that's what hurts me most. I have no jurisdiction.
My hands must be wiped clean.

And that's the hardest part of this, moving forward.

What do I do with myself? How do I deal with the pain that I feel? The strange sense of calm?

I am pessimistic of the future at the moment. There's little hope.
Help me Lord.
All I can do now about this I guess. Is hope that through you Lord, I find her. And maybe this is where our story does end.
Harsh and Broken and Unsure. And Terrified.

Goodbye. Hope for this must leave now. I have no choice but to show you the door.
I must pray and trust that my life will be presented with gifts that I can't even imagine.

Tears are on their way. I should close now.

Just short of Twenty-two

I seem to be alone.
I know I'm not.
Or do I?

I have been immersing myself in my project and I see no one except my crew. I am so stressed because I have so much still to do
Yet I am not doing anything else.

I'm killing my extrovert.

I don't see anyone. And sure, I don't make the effort. But the people I do want to see, seem like they're just fine without seeing me.
All the people I used to hang out with don't seem to hang out with me anymore.

For some,
There's a problem between them and I.
Is that my fault?

For others,
It's that they've found someone else to hangout with.

For the rest,
They've moved away.


I'm seeing a lot more of alone time.

I just want to be loved, but I think I'm done here.
I think I've started to overstay my welcome here in Rosebud.

It's a thing that I do. I overstay.

I've had best friends during my time here. But now I look back at my four years as I'm standing here, and I realize, that I'm just alone. They were temporary. Most of the men here that I've been friends with have had falling out with me. They either take advantage or become hostile.

Maybe that's my fault.

My birthday is in less than a week and I don't think anyone knows or cares besides my family.

Lots of other people have had the privilege of this love and recognition. But I'm not feeling it.

My newest best friend,
She's gone away now, she's gone home. And I notice that she's gone. I miss her very, very much. I want her to come back.
But I won't see much of her now, because I'm graduating.

I feel like I'm getting depressed again. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, but I sure haven't felt it loosen it's grip on me since I acquired it.
I don't feel close to anyone left in town. I feel like a burden. I want to cry. I want to be held.

I do feel like a burden to people. I feel tolerated. I don't feel genuinely appreciated by really anyone. It all feels fake to me.

I know it's a dark path. And I think I'm too vain and too afraid to actually do something. But I have thought that if I didn't have my family still around. What would I do? Would I actually feel the need to keep living?

But I'm not going to anything rash.
I'm not.

I love them.

The Night After I Forgot

Full.
That's how I feel today.

I watched the 3rd years do their Faith and Art presents and I was so proud of them.
I was reminded that all of us are people, not that I've had a trouble with it, but I needed to witness it today.

I have had a rough couple of weeks.
In a lot of ways.
I have been stressed beyond measure and I have tried to juggle way too many things at once.

But the big thing is, and it always seems to be this.. my love life feels like it's going down the toilet, and feels like it has been for awhile.

I just don't get it.

I want love, true love, so bad that it seems it's having the reverse effect. I just don't understand why I just can't seem to get anything right!

I also can't let go very easily.

Jesse is over. That took 2 years but it's done. Just kind of wish that we had talked more.

Caitlyn is a strange case, I care, I don't have feelings to be in a relationship anymore, but I can't handle her with other guys... and I have to be. Right? I have no grounds here. It's just that I want to hold onto that hope I guess.

Frances, I bonded with and I truly enjoy getting to know her and chatting, but because we connected physically a lot quicker than we should've I now feel a connection to her, and now that I see her flirting with others (as I do) I can't handle it. I want to hold onto that possibility that we could work potentially. But again, I have no grounds, and I just need to move on.

Kait, I thought I was over her, and I was for awhile. But recently I've realized something towards her never left. It was there, and now I'm trying to keep a proper friendly distance so I don't have trouble. But it's not working super well.

Cassie, nothing here, but I worry for the future month. Guess we'll hope for the best.

Every girl I seem to touch, every relationship I seem to jump into is just poison. It hurts me and it hurts me bad. When I want to do right, I seem to do wrong.

I heard a quote, and I think it was from a comic book (Green Arrow?) or maybe it just quoted it from elsewhere but it's...

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming."

Life sure as hell seems to be pulling back slowly. Fuck.

I have also been making a life shift which is challenging to say the least, I've been off pornography for almost 3 weeks now, and off masturbation for about a week. And I've also been reading a fantastic book, Every Young Man's Battle and it's incredibly helpful. I'm trying to work out more and eat better. I've been having mood shifts though and I've been coming up against myself more often now. I don't understand. I guess making a massive change of accepting physical love and then rejecting it is harsh, but it's ultimately something that I want to do, in my heart. I've thought of myself as a physical person, and I think I still am, but I also believe that it can be trained, and this book is helping me achieve this. But man is it hard.

I want to be that kind hearted, happy spirited, exercised, well versed, adventurous, good christian man that I know that I could be.
I want my Lord to be in me, but I'm not quite sure how to get there at the moment.

I seem to be beating myself up about a performance that I did last night, I had to sing, and I practiced for that performance because I wanted to own it, it was my last one so I had to do well, and I knew that song in and out.
But
Disaster struck and I forgot my second verse. Gone. Nada!
I mean I looked good, and sounded good. But I wrecked my mojo. totally. Fucked it up. bad. And I'm ashamed. And I feel that I've let all my instructors down, because it seemed like I wasn't prepared but I was this time. And it didn't come off that way.

I want to cry. HARD. I want to be held. I want to be told I matter. I want to be told I'm better than I think I am. I want to know that my presence on earth matters. I want to believe in myself. I want to be honest. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved genuinely.