Forever Forthcoming

It's been awhile since I sat down and typed my feelings down for all the internet to see. I had a nice reminisce over my past..

My loss.
My Depression.
My loneliness.
My heartache.
My naivety.

I suppose I don't type out my feelings much anymore because I feel better. I am a more confident human being now, I've been able to learn about myself, I've been able to travel, I've met new people who aren't the same as me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still hopelessly in love with certain women in my life, but it doesn't seem to get in the way of my day to day operation. There are still things that I get wrong all the time, and trouble still seems to find me. But I can handle it all now in a healthier way.

I will state that I am afraid to get back on stage and act in Rosebud again, mostly because I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I haven't done it in a long time, and I frankly don't want to act anymore. I've gotten certified to teach now, and I want to do that. I want to be able to travel across this plain of existence and do something practical in life.

Art is practical in a non-practical way, it encourages the mind, it encourages the inner growth. I want more than that, I want more than an opinion shoved into my face or shoved into someone else's face. I want to do good, I don't want to create unhealthy problems. I don't want to seem like I have an agenda.

That's kind of it for right now.

The Insomnia Chronicles: Why am I still here?

Bro.

I am not okay.
I mean, I'm not dangerous.
But I don't feel okay.

I am happy at times. I genuinely feel things, but I always end up back here...

... In the dark.

I lie to myself so often about so many things. I lie to other people tiny little lies. I don't feel worthy enough to love someone. I don't feel loved by anyone...

Except families.
But they don't count. Not in this context.

I feel like a pest. I feel like everyone tolerates.
If even that anymore.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!

I will never be okay with some things I've done. I don't think that I can ever trust myself again.

I'm too broken.
I'm too corrupt.

And in a world where the white male is lynched so easily...
I don't feel strong enough to continue in the public eye.

I want to run away. I want to become someone else.
I want to live alone.
Where I won't harm anyone else except for myself.

I don't deserve any of this.

Please God.
Fucking help me.
Fucking save me.

Show me a better life.

No, no, I insist, please

So I was brought to earth with a heavy crash today, a very close friend of mine mentioned that he's been hurt by me lately because he feels I'm an attention seeker and that when we get together it's always about me.

I'm horrified. Considering it is always in the back of my mind to never talk to much about myself. But I realize that it's my attitude and my presence that is vain. Now, part of the blame can be shoved into a lump with my career choice... As an actor, I've learned that I have to look out for myself and I have to take care of my self because it is a dog eat dog world. However, that's no excuse for being self-centered enough to not even ask how my pals are doing and genuinely caring. I'm ashamed at myself.

It's a lesson that I will take to heart and attempt a shift in myself, a betterment.

Seeking attention and affection are two things that I have noticed in myself, and if I've noticed it then I'm certain others have. I will make a vow to be less self-centered, talk about my problems less, and take genuine interest in the lives of the people in life.

Are good men a myth?

In the past few days there has been sexual assault accusations popping up left, right, and center.

I support all of those brave women (and men) for coming forward and revealing some of their scariest memories.

But there are things making ME afraid...

Am I doing enough?

Am I a bad guy?

Is there anything I've done that could blackmail me?

Have I scarred women in my life?

Will I ever redeem myself if I have?

Is asking this confirming that I've done things?

All I have to conclude is that I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. And I've done my absolute best to overcome those mistakes to be a better...

Man. Friend. Son. Brother. Person.

We live in a scary, scary world. With bad thoughts, temptations, and people.

As an ultimate actors dream, I wish to be heard and seen. But when I read news of the past ruining actors or actresses lives I can't but think I want nothing to do with being in the lime light.

Which is sad, isn't it?

Anyway, here I sit.

I am ashamed.

I am afraid.

I am sorry.

I am trying.

I am learning.

I am human.

😟

Why do I feel this way?

Lonely. Depressed.

Is it because I feel stuck? Trapped in a life I don't want to be living?

Away from all my friends?

The one thing always comes back around is the feeling that am alone. I'm single. And yes.
We've been here before. but it bothers me on a mental level. It bothers me that it seems to be so hard. And why shouldn't it be?
it's love.

But my friends are all happy and married or in a relationship and I am left to traverse this land alone.

I want to cry. but it seems childish to cry about this.

So I won't.

I'm busy though. I'm working my ass off at work every day and now I'm rehearsing a movie. And I have auditions. things are happening for me. but I just don't feel fulfilled.

I'm in love. but I think I'm in love with the wrong woman. she is so out of reach.

Mark Twain: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Well.

It seems it's come to that time.
The time to go to work in the morning.

I mean I should be excited, right? I'm getting paid finally.

But, I'm not terribly excited, you see. I'm nervous.

I'm frightened. I've got anxiety. I'm nauseated. I am scared.

I don't know anyone I'm working for. I don't have a fantastic working track record, or ethic.

I'm worried.
I feel like a lost boy.

It feels like the first day of college again.
I want to cry. I want to cry hard.

What if it doesn't go well, and I get fired?
What if the bosses are huge dicks, and it makes my life hell?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really, really don't.

But the bottom line, is that I have to. And I will go. Up at 6, off just after 7, and work at 8.

I'm not comfortable. This is out of my comfort zone. But I suppose there's a quote out there about that...

Hmm...

I believe it's said by Neale Donald Walsch, an american christian author...

"Life begins where your comfort zone ends"

And boy, am I uncomfortable. I wished, and prayed for so long to get a well-paying job, and now I've landed one.
So why does it feel so scary and wrong?





These songs, this music, this man. Seem to be calming my nerves.
I am truly afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to go to bed.

But It' getting later, and later, as I type, and I type.

I can feel it approaching...
The time to go to sleep...
or try to...

Deep breath in...


and out..


and in...


out...

Rockabye Baby, Don't you cry.

As I sit here. Preparing to go to bed.
Slightly frustrated at my understandably deaf brother watching a movie in the next room with the sound up so he can hear it.
I can't help but feel lonely.

In Rosebud, I was surrounded by so many people, people who seemed to care, or some who actually did.
Now, at home. There's just my family, and maybe one married friend.

I write letters to people that I care about, in Nova Scotia, the States, Rosebud.
I message them.
I text them.
I post to them.

But I don't ever seem to get any sort of response, unless I make the first move. And even then...

I mean, this has happened my whole life. A sort of one-sided friendship, HELL, I'm MCing my best friends wedding in May, and he's never once talked to me of his own accord unless he needed something, but he's still my greatest friend.

So I'm not really bothered by it. It teaches me to love myself. Make my own life. Focus on myself.

I don't expect anything. Truly.

It's just these quiet moments I really feel it, you know?
Just lonely. That's all.

Being a single 22 year old while most of your friends are one of the following: Married, Engaged, Dating, about to be dating doesn't help either.

Also the whole not getting a job either. I've been applying for almost 2 straight months now and I've had no bites. None. I have very little money, and I can't do anything outside of my home. It's like I'm 10 again, but not going to school. Very depressing situation. Here's to hope.

Although, I'm feeling great in all other aspects. I'm working out, and dieting which has placed in a very proud fitness position at the moment. I have a loving family with anything I need. I'm healthy. I'm reading more often. I'm writing. I'm applying for auditions.


I'm listening to Rockabye by Clean Bandit Feat. Anne-Marie & Sean Paul. Non-stop, it's my song at the moment. It's catchy. I like it a lot.





Goodnight All.