Insomnia Chronicles: Night before Tech Week

Don't really know what to say.

I'm here late at night, unable to fall asleep again.
My melatonin has unfortunately failed me yet again. And I'm left to stare into the black abyss around me.

There's nothing major going on in my life that is keeping me awake, I just am having trouble falling asleep. I do open a show on Wednesday, but I am confident enough in it that I shouldn't feel stressed. Maybe it's because I got to an emotional triumph in rehearsal today with my character but then was unable to crawl out of it. I just didn't know what it was that kept me there, I had to completely disassociate myself from the work in order to crawl out in a healthy manner. It then left me exhausted for the rest of the day. It was a little scary.

I don't have any pressing matters. We talked about Stage Sensuality in rehearsal today as an off-topic topic, and we discussed it's importance in the theatre and how it should be treated like stage combat and dance. It's blocking, and the importance that you emphasize on the intellectual basis of it and trying to remove any form of sexual tension or what not. It was interesting, I've been intrigued by this topic for a while now and want to dig deeper and discover more. (ex. no rehearsal kissing without a third member or crew member present).

Another thing would be that I am still trying to focus on me, and my skills. Consistently improving upon thyself, and building a person you can respect when gazed upon.

Well, that probably didn't make a lot of sense. But I am just trying to fall asleep. Thank you Blog.

Whiskey & Ink Blots

As I sit here doing some script work and figuring out how to improve my current state of being, I decided to take a look around at my surroundings.
I realised I was exactly the right picture of what I wanted to be... My ideal of a man, working hard.
I happened to be using my new fountain pen that I had received for Christmas while I nonchalantly sipped my glass of brandy. I had had quite the revitalising evening which involved a spiritual cleansing at the fault of a worship night led by Centre Street Church, so once I arrived back home I proceeded to just make whatever I happened to be wearing a little more comfortable, a tucked unbuttoned dress shirt barely revealing a white tank top undershirt and Christian chain symbolising the crucifixion around my neck that was complimented by grey chinos and brown belt.
I ruffled my hair throughout the evening to scratch the inevitable itches that bothered me all night which presented a now well-worn clean cut that was reminiscent of Ernest Hemingway in the early hours of the morning.
Scruff and a mustache graced my imperfect face as I repeated the lines over and over aloud as if I were a broken record. Tempted by the alluring physicality of the television, I work hard to pursue my determined goal of self-improvement.

No sound to be heard at all except the scripted words I spat into the air, and the occasional click-clack of the anxiety infused Jack Russell over my head as he paced back and forth from window to window. The dim lights encouraged my environment as I pushed forward in my work, I wasn't clouded by the false sense of light that was my overhead switches, instead I was kissed gently by the lamps and candles I had lit as their dull yellow magic cascaded over my books to help me learn.

The question I have now though that has raced back and forth in my mind for weeks now, is "Who do you want to be?" as I miserably fail in answering this cracker day in and day out. I realise more and more that I don't want to be alone, but am revealed to understand and learn the most when I am. I actively search for the one I think could compliment my undiscovered gold mine of a human being underneath this confused and naïve stature. Finding and establishing a relationship with God was a resolution on my New Year list. I believe that finding that connection and strengthening it will help improve this muddled life of mine and give me meaning. Shifting my focus to self-improvement will increase my level of sanity as I proceed to walk this treacherous path that is unwittingly called life.

The Insomnia Chronicles: Delayed Anxiety

It's 1:30 am and I can't seem to sleep.

I've even put a melatonin in my system and that's not doing the trick.

Maybe it's because I have a lot I'm thinking about, which is why I'll give blogging a try.
It's helped in the past and maybe will now.

I have to be up at 6 to drive Dad to the Calgary Airport.
I'm so thankful for dad, he came with me on my drive to Calgary just spontaneously and he stayed with me for a couple days. I am now worried about his flight, because I apparently think the worst.

And then, worry.

I've prayed to God. (2017 is the year I own up to my Christian Identification) I talked to Him about my troubles and anxiety.
I'm worried for dad's safety tomorrow.

I'm also lonely in Calgary, I'm fully living on my own, I don't have anyone across the hall, or down the street that I remotely know. It's weirding me out.

I am having female issues, I become absolutely obsessed with women, I don't just like them, or am interested, I full on think about them and scheme and plan and dream until it ruins all my chances I may or may not have had. I like someone I know, and am wanting to ask her out, but am afraid it won't be right or she'll turn me down. Yet, I can't seem to be able to forget about her for 2 seconds. It's someone new at least, rather than the person I've struggled to get over.

Getting a job also seems to be a tricky thing, I am only around for 2 months, one of which I won't be around for 60% of it. Money is becoming a major burden. And it's stressing me out.

Rehearsals are not helping me due to the fact that I did very little over the Christmas Holiday to prepare for it, I am planning this week to study hard and make this my best role to date, but some wrist slapping and a shameful overhang isn't helping for the moment.

Anyway, We are caught up, I'm going to try to sleep now. Best of luck internet.

X O X O

G.

I'm Fine.

Tonight has been one of those nights where I recognize how lonely I am.
And that's not a bad thing, by all means.

No, What I mean is that I wish I had someone to come home to, and vice versa, I wish I was somebody that someone could come home to as well.

I really was feeling the weight of the day, especially near the end of the day. I came home from a shift at Kith & Kin, and I'll tell you that I would've given anything...

and, yes, I do mean anything...

..to be able to go into the arms of someone that I loved and loved me to kiss and to hold.

I wish that I was able to do exactly what I did tonight, just with someone beside me.

Come home, tidy up.
Make a quick, bland meal.
Make some tea.
Set out some laundry.
Set up my computer/TV.
Answer some emails.
Pull up Netflix.
And watch Gilmore Girls with my slippers in the glimpses of lamplight cascading from my bedside table.

I wish that it wasn't so hard to find someone.

But truly. find. someone.

I want to be able to tell someone my hopes.
My dreams.
The stupid ideas I've had throughout the day that could potentially be fantastic.

I wish I had someone to encourage me to move forward, even if what lies ahead is foggy and mysterious.

It doesn't help that I get flustered easily around anyone I find kind, chill, pleasant, fun, and enjoyable, and doubly so if they happen to be the opposite gender.
So I end up saying things I don't mean,
or cracking jokes I don't want to,
or being macho,
or playing it cool,
or showing off,
or not being genuine.

Which prevents me from being the true inner Geordie I want people to see.

This whole adult thing is hard. But I don't want to be a child anymore. So I must.

The good, the bad, and the poetry

As I live in this hell
She seems to be near
Living and breathing
Her own fucking life here

As I live in this hell
Ive got to move passed it
In order to find
A way out of this shit

As I live in this hell
My heart seems to ache
With every glance of her face
Or even her namesake

As I live in this hell
I'm reminded and sad
The loving, the stupid
And the hurt that I've had

As I live in this hell
It's time I must go
Forced into the dark
I trudge along slow

As I live in this hell
She will not rule me
Day in and day out
It's time I break free

A Mouse Hunt

What is happening to me?
My life feels so stagnant and unlucky right now.

I can't talk to one of my closest friends right now.
I'm stuck in a job that's barely paying me a living wage.
I feel out of place because I am not a student and don't fit in with the crowd because I'm trying to also not be a part of the student body.
I have a FUCKING MOUSE IN MY SUITE!
I'm not sleeping well.
I don't know what I'm going to do in the upcoming months to help pay for food and stuff.

I'm just so stressed right now.

And then to top it all off I came into rehearsal for the 2nd year student Christmas show to shadow the director and I got some aggression from Caitlyn, for bringing my supper into rehearsal?? Probably reading into it too much, but it was said with such disdain as if I had just destroyed her life. I haven't done anything that I'm aware of, so I'm confused as to why I was given hostility.

I also broke really hard the other day, I looked at pornography and I feel just fucking awful, every time I look, I feel as though my life is falling apart and skidding across the pavement. I don't feel adequate enough to even live. I shouldn't be stuck in this loop of shit.

I can't pursue dating because of this addiction and also because I don't know when and if I'd relapse over the person that I can't seem to get over. There's a person I want to ask out on a legitimate date but I don't want to be unfair.

I feel like I should give up on my spiritual life and I feel like I should I just not try. It's just terrible.

I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I should be acting like an adult and treating my mentors like colleagues and friends but where do I go for answers to things I don't know.

What is happening in my life? Why am I going through this shitty period?

Help me.
Someone.
Something.

Replace a Flat with the Spare

Well, here again.
Never thought I'd need to chat with you again.
For awhile anyway. Guess it has been.

I don't know what's going on.
I'm in deep. I'm in love. And I've known that I've needed to get over this girl many of times before. But this time, it's different. This time, I've been reassured that there is NO POSSIBLE CHANCE OF US GETTING TOGETHER.

EVER.

So that's exciting. And the stupid thing is, I can't go find someone else because that's just not fair.

To me.
Her.

It's not.

I'm not in a place to do that. I need to move on. But I need to move on, with myself. Which is difficult considering that I'm kind of horny dude, who likes a lot of women.
And I've tried to stop the whole pornography thing before. It's never worked out in the long run because my sexual energy is extremely high. I need to find a way to control that energy, off put it elsewhere.
So I've started to adopt and research practices and lifestyle of celibates, and more specifically, celibate religious members. I am attempting to step back entirely from the whole ordeal. Which means the bottom line is that I cannot date anyone. Period.

Now.
This is a temporary agreement I've made. But that doesn't douse the meaning of it all.
Let's hope it helps.

I see so many people happy, I see so many things working out for people. And I just hate watching it because I want it so bad. But I don't. Because deep down, I want SOMEONE so bad. And I've finally realized that my issue was that I didn't want to let go. But have to. Have to.

I hear rumblings that people like me and stuff like that, but I don't want to pursue, mostly because I don't want to hurt them, even if I was just trying things out. I don't want to start something again that I can't finish.

I need to find myself.
Find God.
Find my desires.
Find everything that makes me whole.

I'm on quite a ride. And it's killing me from the inside out. But I'm still breathing.
For some reason.
I suppose.