The crying isn't stopping...

I've had a terrible night.
I haven't slept at all.

I had a meltdown. And I cried myself to sleep.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore.
All the friends I thought that I could talk to have either moved away, I haven't built enough trust between them, or something has happened to cause a rift.

I'm so stressed about this week. I just want my project over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want it to stop.
I'm finished.
I've given all that I can give right now. I can't give anymore. I can just give what I have.

I have no one to hold me. I have no one to be there for me right now.

That's what I wanted last night most of all was to cry into someones chest. But I had to cry in a ball on my bed. And I fell asleep... or at least for an hour.

I was at a wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful but it was too much.
Love.
The thing that I never seem to have.
And after the week prior to it, it was hard to sit and witness.

I've lost someone very, very dear to me. I can't go back to her, because it's not fair to her or me.

And because I feel like we've broken up our friendship/relationship, I truly feel heartbroken.
My heart was in actual pain last night.
They started to dance at the wedding and I couldn't stay there, it was different standing there last night in contrast to the Schmidt wedding. Where I still had hope.
But now that is gone.
I didn't want to dance. Not alone. Not with anyone. Except one. And I couldn't, she was gone, and she doesn't want me anymore.
It would've felt fake. Like I was trying to cover it up.

So I left.
I couldn't bear the pain my heart is being put through.

I shouldn't have given it so openly and deeply. I feel so much hurt that I'm still crying as I write this.
It doesn't feel like I can love again. And that is so ridiculously cliche, but it's how I feel.

I just have to somehow survive this week of stress, heartache, family, and education. Also I'm jobless at the moment, so I have no cash flow of any sort.

I just want to stay in bed forever. I feel like I have kind of lost the will to push on.
It's what being in love feels like I guess.

That sounded so pathetic.

From Love with Care, Goodbye.

Let me tell you a story.

It's about a guy.
Who fell in love with a girl.

I don't want this to sound cliche, but I know that I won't be telling you everything that should be said.

Privacy, Details, Forgetfulness, Necessity.

I fell in love.

And that's difficult to say, because I have fallen in love with a lot of people.
But no one has made me feel the way that she does.
And that could be that I'm in so deep. But it could just be that it was real, and nothing that I projected onto the situation.

I have gotten to know this girl emotionally, and I enjoy her company, because I don' feel like I need anyone else's company when I'm with her. And even now, away from her.

But the catch is that this girl does not feel the same way.
And that is hard.

She doesn't.

And that is okay. Just fine, in fact.

She will feel what she wants and needs to. And I respect that. I just hope now that I don't lose her from my life as a friend because of this difference.

I laugh hardest around her, I feel strongest around her, I feel best around her.
She is a truly incredible friend.

Now, you might say I'm biased because I'm in love.

But as much as that may be the truth, I believe and feel that there is a true friendship underneath it all.

We've gone through a phase of awkward chats and discussion about our status as friends. And all of them have been hard. Not because the truth was spoken, but because I've had to cut off one of my best friends afterwards for a period of time. I don't want to lose her from my life.

Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just let go.
But the world is a scary place and I am unsure where I will be led.
I do, however, strive to be closer to God on this journey forward. I have given this girl my heart, more than once. Now, I can't do anything else. It is not my call to make. And I'm not sure if it's hers anymore. It's the big mans. Almighty.

I just don't understand the confusion that has happened or is happening.
It's so much pain.
More than I've felt. Ever.

She is struggling and I can't help her. And that's what hurts me most. I have no jurisdiction.
My hands must be wiped clean.

And that's the hardest part of this, moving forward.

What do I do with myself? How do I deal with the pain that I feel? The strange sense of calm?

I am pessimistic of the future at the moment. There's little hope.
Help me Lord.
All I can do now about this I guess. Is hope that through you Lord, I find her. And maybe this is where our story does end.
Harsh and Broken and Unsure. And Terrified.

Goodbye. Hope for this must leave now. I have no choice but to show you the door.
I must pray and trust that my life will be presented with gifts that I can't even imagine.

Tears are on their way. I should close now.

Just short of Twenty-two

I seem to be alone.
I know I'm not.
Or do I?

I have been immersing myself in my project and I see no one except my crew. I am so stressed because I have so much still to do
Yet I am not doing anything else.

I'm killing my extrovert.

I don't see anyone. And sure, I don't make the effort. But the people I do want to see, seem like they're just fine without seeing me.
All the people I used to hang out with don't seem to hang out with me anymore.

For some,
There's a problem between them and I.
Is that my fault?

For others,
It's that they've found someone else to hangout with.

For the rest,
They've moved away.


I'm seeing a lot more of alone time.

I just want to be loved, but I think I'm done here.
I think I've started to overstay my welcome here in Rosebud.

It's a thing that I do. I overstay.

I've had best friends during my time here. But now I look back at my four years as I'm standing here, and I realize, that I'm just alone. They were temporary. Most of the men here that I've been friends with have had falling out with me. They either take advantage or become hostile.

Maybe that's my fault.

My birthday is in less than a week and I don't think anyone knows or cares besides my family.

Lots of other people have had the privilege of this love and recognition. But I'm not feeling it.

My newest best friend,
She's gone away now, she's gone home. And I notice that she's gone. I miss her very, very much. I want her to come back.
But I won't see much of her now, because I'm graduating.

I feel like I'm getting depressed again. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, but I sure haven't felt it loosen it's grip on me since I acquired it.
I don't feel close to anyone left in town. I feel like a burden. I want to cry. I want to be held.

I do feel like a burden to people. I feel tolerated. I don't feel genuinely appreciated by really anyone. It all feels fake to me.

I know it's a dark path. And I think I'm too vain and too afraid to actually do something. But I have thought that if I didn't have my family still around. What would I do? Would I actually feel the need to keep living?

But I'm not going to anything rash.
I'm not.

I love them.

The Night After I Forgot

Full.
That's how I feel today.

I watched the 3rd years do their Faith and Art presents and I was so proud of them.
I was reminded that all of us are people, not that I've had a trouble with it, but I needed to witness it today.

I have had a rough couple of weeks.
In a lot of ways.
I have been stressed beyond measure and I have tried to juggle way too many things at once.

But the big thing is, and it always seems to be this.. my love life feels like it's going down the toilet, and feels like it has been for awhile.

I just don't get it.

I want love, true love, so bad that it seems it's having the reverse effect. I just don't understand why I just can't seem to get anything right!

I also can't let go very easily.

Jesse is over. That took 2 years but it's done. Just kind of wish that we had talked more.

Caitlyn is a strange case, I care, I don't have feelings to be in a relationship anymore, but I can't handle her with other guys... and I have to be. Right? I have no grounds here. It's just that I want to hold onto that hope I guess.

Frances, I bonded with and I truly enjoy getting to know her and chatting, but because we connected physically a lot quicker than we should've I now feel a connection to her, and now that I see her flirting with others (as I do) I can't handle it. I want to hold onto that possibility that we could work potentially. But again, I have no grounds, and I just need to move on.

Kait, I thought I was over her, and I was for awhile. But recently I've realized something towards her never left. It was there, and now I'm trying to keep a proper friendly distance so I don't have trouble. But it's not working super well.

Cassie, nothing here, but I worry for the future month. Guess we'll hope for the best.

Every girl I seem to touch, every relationship I seem to jump into is just poison. It hurts me and it hurts me bad. When I want to do right, I seem to do wrong.

I heard a quote, and I think it was from a comic book (Green Arrow?) or maybe it just quoted it from elsewhere but it's...

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming."

Life sure as hell seems to be pulling back slowly. Fuck.

I have also been making a life shift which is challenging to say the least, I've been off pornography for almost 3 weeks now, and off masturbation for about a week. And I've also been reading a fantastic book, Every Young Man's Battle and it's incredibly helpful. I'm trying to work out more and eat better. I've been having mood shifts though and I've been coming up against myself more often now. I don't understand. I guess making a massive change of accepting physical love and then rejecting it is harsh, but it's ultimately something that I want to do, in my heart. I've thought of myself as a physical person, and I think I still am, but I also believe that it can be trained, and this book is helping me achieve this. But man is it hard.

I want to be that kind hearted, happy spirited, exercised, well versed, adventurous, good christian man that I know that I could be.
I want my Lord to be in me, but I'm not quite sure how to get there at the moment.

I seem to be beating myself up about a performance that I did last night, I had to sing, and I practiced for that performance because I wanted to own it, it was my last one so I had to do well, and I knew that song in and out.
But
Disaster struck and I forgot my second verse. Gone. Nada!
I mean I looked good, and sounded good. But I wrecked my mojo. totally. Fucked it up. bad. And I'm ashamed. And I feel that I've let all my instructors down, because it seemed like I wasn't prepared but I was this time. And it didn't come off that way.

I want to cry. HARD. I want to be held. I want to be told I matter. I want to be told I'm better than I think I am. I want to know that my presence on earth matters. I want to believe in myself. I want to be honest. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved genuinely.

Title

Oh god.
I'm going to explode. I've never felt this mad in a long time.
FUCK! I want to just fucking scream!!

I had a meeting today with Caleb, if you can even call it one. I went in with some topics to chat about and wouldn't you know it...
I felt shitty afterward.
Why?
Oh well, because everything I brought up felt stupid and obvious.
But that wasn't the worst part. I felt as though he was condescending me the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.

As if, "geez, Geordie. you should know better." "isn't that why you were elected?" FUCK.

And then I attempted to locate the calendar on my email account, the education email, and so I asked Caleb for help... Well, Fuck. That was a mistake.
He was so fucking impatient with me. He treated me like an idiot. He tore into me about not knowing how to open the calendar, he was like you should know this by now.
Fuck.

I don't know who the fuck reads this blog, and frankly, I don't want to know. Because it'll get tougher for me to speak the truth.

But I've got to get something off my chest. Kait has been in pain this past few days, and as much as I fight against my feelings, I've been offering my help wherever I can.

And all that.

But.

You see, she wrote a blog post today thanking everyone for the specific reasons they've helped her, and all I got was a "thanks for your car".

I know. I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion, and yes, fuck I still like her...
But for goodness sake, I am really hurt by this. I've done what I can. And maybe that's it, maybe she's distancing more than I am. But fuck.

Just.

I hate liking someone with no reciprocation.
I want to move on, I want to go out with someone else to defer my energy, but if it doesn't work, then I've just fucked over some other girl.

And I've done that already, and...

That wrecked me. I will never do that again. I won't do that to someone again.

Now I've reached the really depressive stuff, I know people have their own shit going on, but I truly feel like I'm being tolerated.

By everyone.

I'M NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I just find shit funny, and laugh, and I am just truly awkward beyond myself. I don't know how to present myself in situations, so I find a way to do it.

I need to get out of here.
I don't think I can finish. I don't think I can do it.

I wish I didn't have a voice, because then I would shut up about all my little issues. And I wouldn't bother people, with this fucking complainy shit anymore.
I blame others for my shit, and you know, I'm thinking it might be me.

I don't know how to love someone properly. I just crush hard. Or I'm lustful. Or I'm awkward. OR I'm actually in a fucking trance over the one person who said "yea, let's give it a try".
I don't know how to love. I just think I do.

I just fucking start things. I get all fucking excited over fucking ideas and things, but then I fucking lose interest in it. Whether, it's school, a show, a project, a relationship.
I CAN'T FUCKING FINISH ANYTHING.

Fuck. Just fuck.

I hate this. I hate this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel this weight of darkness. But it's fucking here. RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

Leave me alone. I can't function anymore. Because I just lose it. I cry, I get overwhelmed. I want to scream.
I don't feel wanted in this place. And if I'm being honest, I never have.

Truly.

I feel like I just get used. because I'm nice and convenient.

And the worst part is... I usually feel better after a fucking rant post. But I don't. I almost feel worse.

"you were great as the dinosaur, it was you, I watched it and saw Geordie"

IS THAT ALL I AM? AN ASSHOLE MANCHILD, WHO SAYS SOME HALF-FUNNY SHIT???!!!! FUCK YOU! I DON'T WANT TO SEEM AS IF I'M NOT ACTING. I MEAN SURE I WANT TO BE AUTHENTIC, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE I HAVEN'T GONE TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT.

I'm low. I mean, real fuckin low. I don't feel genuinely happy anymore, I feel fake when I smile, because I feel sad so often now.

And I'm not looking for pity.

I'm looking help.
But I... Fuck.

Who cares.

Goodnight.

Something Burnt

It's seems that a lot of people are having a tough time right about now, myself included, but I only feel stressed because I'm not kicking my ass to get my shit down like I know I need to be doing.
I did the dishes tonight and had my headphones on. I had a grand ol' time just rocking out to Shawn Mendes, in particular, this song...



I had a whirlwind of a week and I do have some mixed feelings about it. I opened and closed a show in Calgary and it went really well,
at least,
I believe it did.

The playwright...

maybe not so much.

Hah.
Well, funny story.

The original dinosaur was written and portrayed as woman, and she made it very clear, very quickly.
Also she said three words to me "that was great", which isn't weird if she says that to everyone, but she didn't. She had an extensive conversation about EVERYONE's portrayal, except me.

Eh.

Playwright's are touchy. Go figure.

So what.

I fucking killed that part.

But it does bug me. I mean obviously because I'm still talking about it. I just wanted her to like me, and you know what?
Maybe she did. but I won't know that.

Fuck.

Anyway. I want to be a better person. I mean like be better at kicking my ass to get shit done. And just listen more to others. I want to be less of a jerk.
I also want to take my life off cruise control, because that's what i feel like is happening. I expecting myself to get there. And it's not true. I need to work hard. HARD.

It starts now, not yesterday. FUCK YESTERDAY. It's yesterday for a reason.

I watched a movie tonight about a chef fighting for what he wants, and it was incredible. BURNT with Bradley Cooper.


I feel the darkness, but right now I've got a torch in hand. So that's a step.

The Death of the Dinosaur

It’s back. I feel it today.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired beyond comprehension, but I’m not well today.

I am so sad and mad.

I drove in Kait today and I ended up on bringing it up, the fact that I like her, again.
Why do I continue to make it awkward? I hate when I do that! I constantly make everything so maddening. And now it’s awkward again, I’m working towards getting over her. And it’s just difficult to try and move on successfully.

I don’t want these feelings anymore.

On another note, in rehearsal today, I worked my monologue in the show and I realized that I hate it. I actually hate it. I hate doing it. I just do.

Why?! I don’t want to hate it but it fucking sucks.

I feel so unauthentic, I feel so unreal, I feel so “acty”. And it’s getting in the way of everything. I feel so stupid. And nothing can be done except for myself to just trust that I’m executing it well.

I want to be honest. I do.

And I’m also so distracting in rehearsal and it’s so fucking annoying, because I don’t feel like I’m fun in my work if I’m not trying things. I don’t feel like I’m a good actor when that happens. I just feel like I’m in the way.

What do I do? Where do I go? How do I deal with it?
Is this darkness? Or my mind? Or both? Or am I just sad?

I don’t feel funny. I am funny. But I’m not a humorous person.
I think a lot. I love drama. I love love. But where is the value in that when what you say comes across as funny.

I’m not. I don’t look for the joke. But it’s there, it’s always there.

Why can’t it let me be the hero instead of the relief just once?

I want to be the hero.
But in my experience. I’ve either been the comedic sidekick or the villain. How is it that the thing you aim for most, is the thing you end up furthest from?

Leave me darkness. Leave me. And leave me alone heart. You’re fucking up my life and relationships.
Maybe I just don’t know how to handle the power that my heart holds yet.

I just don’t know.