No, no, I insist, please

So I was brought to earth with a heavy crash today, a very close friend of mine mentioned that he's been hurt by me lately because he feels I'm an attention seeker and that when we get together it's always about me.

I'm horrified. Considering it is always in the back of my mind to never talk to much about myself. But I realize that it's my attitude and my presence that is vain. Now, part of the blame can be shoved into a lump with my career choice... As an actor, I've learned that I have to look out for myself and I have to take care of my self because it is a dog eat dog world. However, that's no excuse for being self-centered enough to not even ask how my pals are doing and genuinely caring. I'm ashamed at myself.

It's a lesson that I will take to heart and attempt a shift in myself, a betterment.

Seeking attention and affection are two things that I have noticed in myself, and if I've noticed it then I'm certain others have. I will make a vow to be less self-centered, talk about my problems less, and take genuine interest in the lives of the people in life.

Are good men a myth?

In the past few days there has been sexual assault accusations popping up left, right, and center.

I support all of those brave women (and men) for coming forward and revealing some of their scariest memories.

But there are things making ME afraid...

Am I doing enough?

Am I a bad guy?

Is there anything I've done that could blackmail me?

Have I scarred women in my life?

Will I ever redeem myself if I have?

Is asking this confirming that I've done things?

All I have to conclude is that I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. And I've done my absolute best to overcome those mistakes to be a better...

Man. Friend. Son. Brother. Person.

We live in a scary, scary world. With bad thoughts, temptations, and people.

As an ultimate actors dream, I wish to be heard and seen. But when I read news of the past ruining actors or actresses lives I can't but think I want nothing to do with being in the lime light.

Which is sad, isn't it?

Anyway, here I sit.

I am ashamed.

I am afraid.

I am sorry.

I am trying.

I am learning.

I am human.

😟

Why do I feel this way?

Lonely. Depressed.

Is it because I feel stuck? Trapped in a life I don't want to be living?

Away from all my friends?

The one thing always comes back around is the feeling that am alone. I'm single. And yes.
We've been here before. but it bothers me on a mental level. It bothers me that it seems to be so hard. And why shouldn't it be?
it's love.

But my friends are all happy and married or in a relationship and I am left to traverse this land alone.

I want to cry. but it seems childish to cry about this.

So I won't.

I'm busy though. I'm working my ass off at work every day and now I'm rehearsing a movie. And I have auditions. things are happening for me. but I just don't feel fulfilled.

I'm in love. but I think I'm in love with the wrong woman. she is so out of reach.

Mark Twain: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Well.

It seems it's come to that time.
The time to go to work in the morning.

I mean I should be excited, right? I'm getting paid finally.

But, I'm not terribly excited, you see. I'm nervous.

I'm frightened. I've got anxiety. I'm nauseated. I am scared.

I don't know anyone I'm working for. I don't have a fantastic working track record, or ethic.

I'm worried.
I feel like a lost boy.

It feels like the first day of college again.
I want to cry. I want to cry hard.

What if it doesn't go well, and I get fired?
What if the bosses are huge dicks, and it makes my life hell?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really, really don't.

But the bottom line, is that I have to. And I will go. Up at 6, off just after 7, and work at 8.

I'm not comfortable. This is out of my comfort zone. But I suppose there's a quote out there about that...

Hmm...

I believe it's said by Neale Donald Walsch, an american christian author...

"Life begins where your comfort zone ends"

And boy, am I uncomfortable. I wished, and prayed for so long to get a well-paying job, and now I've landed one.
So why does it feel so scary and wrong?





These songs, this music, this man. Seem to be calming my nerves.
I am truly afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to go to bed.

But It' getting later, and later, as I type, and I type.

I can feel it approaching...
The time to go to sleep...
or try to...

Deep breath in...


and out..


and in...


out...

Rockabye Baby, Don't you cry.

As I sit here. Preparing to go to bed.
Slightly frustrated at my understandably deaf brother watching a movie in the next room with the sound up so he can hear it.
I can't help but feel lonely.

In Rosebud, I was surrounded by so many people, people who seemed to care, or some who actually did.
Now, at home. There's just my family, and maybe one married friend.

I write letters to people that I care about, in Nova Scotia, the States, Rosebud.
I message them.
I text them.
I post to them.

But I don't ever seem to get any sort of response, unless I make the first move. And even then...

I mean, this has happened my whole life. A sort of one-sided friendship, HELL, I'm MCing my best friends wedding in May, and he's never once talked to me of his own accord unless he needed something, but he's still my greatest friend.

So I'm not really bothered by it. It teaches me to love myself. Make my own life. Focus on myself.

I don't expect anything. Truly.

It's just these quiet moments I really feel it, you know?
Just lonely. That's all.

Being a single 22 year old while most of your friends are one of the following: Married, Engaged, Dating, about to be dating doesn't help either.

Also the whole not getting a job either. I've been applying for almost 2 straight months now and I've had no bites. None. I have very little money, and I can't do anything outside of my home. It's like I'm 10 again, but not going to school. Very depressing situation. Here's to hope.

Although, I'm feeling great in all other aspects. I'm working out, and dieting which has placed in a very proud fitness position at the moment. I have a loving family with anything I need. I'm healthy. I'm reading more often. I'm writing. I'm applying for auditions.


I'm listening to Rockabye by Clean Bandit Feat. Anne-Marie & Sean Paul. Non-stop, it's my song at the moment. It's catchy. I like it a lot.





Goodnight All.

There is no safety in the bathroom

Some context.

I've been struggling with pornography and masturbation since I was 11 years old. My first glimpses were shown to me by some friends across the street. Little did I know that that would be the beginning of a long and difficult journey.

I haven't escaped it, not yet, but I have conquered a goal. 2 weeks today, I am clean. I stopped looking at pornography 2 weeks ago after watching a film called She Has A Name. A film about Human Trafficking, It was poignant and shocking to watch something so horrifically true. I vowed to do my best to not contribute to that culture at all.

So far, so good.

However, Now I seem to be buzzing. Buzzing from my hormones that are now being contained inside me like trapped air in a balloon. I am at an insane level of heightened sexual energy. I can't seem to think of much else.

It's the toughest when I'm on my own. I have to be stronger when I'm on my own.

I feel good about my decision and journey but, man, is it hard.

Respecting the women around me and in my world is of utmost importance to me.

I must stay strong.
Not just for their sakes. But mine as well.

I want to be a better man. And this, I believe, is a way to be better.

Insomnia Chronicles: Land Lady's Daughter

I need to go to fucking sleep!!!

I have to get up at 6 am to be able to drive to rehearsals at 9 am tomorrow morning. But here I am, at 1 am trying my hardest to fall asleep. It's not working.

Why?

Do I have something on my mind? Perhaps.
Am I stressed? Again, Perhaps.
Am I thinking about my land lady's ridiculously, flirty and hot daughter that is sleeping just above my head? You bet.

What else?
What am I going to do come March?

Maybe I'm thinking about how I consistently get sidestepped or intentionally avoided by girls I want to pursue.

Why am I having so much trouble falling asleep???
It's driving me absolutely bonkers.

In other news, ever since I saw She Has A Name a week and a half ago, I've been clean from Pornography and Masturbation. I feel good about it, even though I am tempted, especially when the attractive girl upstairs flirts with you incessantly.

------

What the hell do I discuss now? I've run out of things to say.
I've been reading the Autobiography of Gene Wilder, and I can't seem to put it down. He's so wise in his words and has an incredibly human way of looking at life. He is so filled with wonder and underestimation. He speaks of letting the reality of a humourous physical gesture be entirely real, and not trying to be funny, just being real will make it as funny as it is.

I am in rehearsals with 6 other people, one of whom being the person I just can't seem to get over. Seeing her everyday takes me a step back, I revert to doing childish things like: following her into the rooms she's in, finding whatever way I can to be close to her, talking to her about anything. It's kind of hell, but I need to show her that I'm over her. She thinks I am.

I went on a date... or rather attempted to go on a date a week or two ago with this girl that I find rather intriguing but I don't know what she thinks of me. I flirt with her whenever we're around each other but I also got a yes from her when I asked if she wanted to go out. After getting myself properly dressed up for the date driving myself to the location, I receive a call from an unknown number, it's her, she's bailing on me, she's not coming. I proceed with the date... on my own. Fuck. What the hell? Now, I don't know what she's thinking. But I can't make the first move, the ball is in her court. And it's killing me.

Please God, let me go to sleep.
Please God, let me have enough energy for tomorrow.
Please God, allow me the rest I need.
Please God, let me wake up at the time I must get up.
Please God, take away my insomnia.
Please God, keep me strong.
Please God, reassure my female endeavours.
Please God, give me the motivation and power to be the best actor I can be.


I had this chat with a pal, a couple nights ago, about how I don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I am haunted by the mistakes that I make. I just can't seem to shake them. I remember the horrible mistakes I make clearer than any other memories in my mind. I feel sorry for what I've done, especially if it's affected someone else's life negatively. I can't bring myself to forgive. I suppose, in a way, I don't seem to want to forgive myself, I don't think I deserve it.

I have to figure this out. I have to be able to find a way to move on. So I can let go of the baggage I have. I also have to try to fall asleep.

Fucking Hell... Lord, Help.