Traffic Update

I feel it again.
It's knocking on my door.

The Sorrow. The Darkness.

That's why I'm not in bed right now.



What do I say?
It's probably got something to do with my porn addiction.
I haven't been clean for even a day since I've been home. I'm not proud of it.

That's it. That's all I feel the need to say right now.

I want a hug. I want a hug and I don't want to let go until my arms lose feeling. My head against someone else's.
I need life. I need God. I need to believe in myself.

My Lumberjack fleece makes me happy.

I need to talk to someone.
I can't. I'm the only one here.
Home.
Or at least I think it's home. It feels like it, sounds like it.

Home for the holidays.
That should be great. How come it doesn't feel that way? My parents are here, my siblings are here, my best friend is here.
So why am i questioning it?

I miss my friends, my adopted rosebud family. And I'm going to miss them all when I leave in May. For Good.
I don't even want to think about it. I seem to make myself depressed about it.

I do that a lot.
Make myself depressed. It feels good, the sadness, the sorrow, the pain.

I can feel the door closing on my genuine happiness in life. It's getting more difficult to escape.

Why?

Does it feel good? Yes.
Do I do it to collect sympathy? Not all the time. But it's the reason this started, most definitely.

I feel alone.
Lonely? Alone?
One or the other, or both.

I have so many who love me. Why do I feel none of it?
I'm almost incapable of feeling it. I mean, I do feel it, but I can't accept it.
I can't comprehend that I'm somebody would want to look for or date or be interested in.
Accepting false flirtations with women that I find interesting, when in the end that's what they see in me as well, nothing but humorous and interesting.

I want genuine love.
And I had it. Oh god, did I have it.
Or at least I think I did.
Right in front of me. But I couldn't take it.
Why? Like an idiot, I played with her, I thought I was smart, and maybe I was, but I was not gentle about any of it. None of it.

I look back. And I don't think I want to be loved. I mean I do, I really do. But it's just maybe not worth it with me.
I know I'm 21, but I've got love surrounding me, 1 friend married, 3 others engaged, 1 looking for rings. It's just all a little too much for my fragile heart.
I search and I search, but I know nothing but failure and heartache.

And now here I am pouring my fucking guts out here on a computer screen, on my parents dinner table at 1:25 in the fucking morning.
Lord, I need help.
I'm so afraid. I'm still a kid, in a man's body. (a grown hairy ass man's body). I'm expected to function, but I don't know if I can.

I watched a movie called "The Perks of being a Wallflower", and I loved it. Beautiful Film. Exquisite.
Anyway, there's a part in the movie where the main character is crushing hard on this girl he loves, but she won't give him anything besides being his best friend. He confronts his teacher about it and asks:
"Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"
And the teacher responding:
"Well, we accept the love we think we deserve."
"Can we make them know that they deserve more?"
"We can try."
This is so powerful to me. I resonate with this. I feel constantly in a bad position. A sucky position.
It's also repeated later on, by the main character and the girl that he's referencing previously.
She says:
"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Do we? I feel like I might.

I hurt. My heart hurts. Aches.
And I can't do anything about it, except deny my heart and try to move forward. It is, of course, the logical thing to do. Because otherwise, I will TEAR. MYSELF. APART.

Geordie... Go to fucking sleep.

...

...

...alright.

It's just late.

It seems I'm here again.
It's 2 in the morning and I just can't sleep.
I think it's cuz I've fucked with my sleep schedule.
I've been thinking about love this past week. (More than usual)

Who I love, who I have loved, who I will love.
It's an interesting thing. I came up with a word that describes my situation almost perfectly.

Infatuation.

Not entirely sure on the definition of it, but I know that it tells me that I may not actually love someone. but that I just find them intriguing and I am obsessed. I don't want to love anyone else because well that's all I am. Infatuated with them.

I had a great conversation today with Cassie (my Moira). What a wonderful human soul, she struggles just like we all do, yet she seems to do it in a way that is just beautiful, she doesn't seem to be hurting anybody while she struggles in the world. Just Elegantly.

We talked about crushes, and love, and relationships, and marriage, and that perfect person, and dating, and self-esteem. It was incredibly therapeutic to just be myself with someone, much like I feel with Justin. I didn't have to be something or someone that I'm not, all I had to do was talk and be myself.
We even talked about how we present ourselves in front of people and how that is okay.

You need to feel comfortable in your relationships and feel trusted and know that mistakes can happen and if they do you can talk them out. You should never feel like you need to be in control, or you need to change to make someone happy. Because if you do, I'd re-evaluate it.

I don't know if I'll ever not be infatuated with Kait and who she is, because she is a wonderful human being, but I know that with time I can learn to love someone else who will return it to me.

I look forward to whomever I will marry and enjoy life with. I may know them already and I may not. It's nerve-wracking but exciting.

In my Final Project, there are two people who love each other, but the war makes them sleep with other people, and then at the end of the play, they return to each other as if picking up where they left off.

This is beautiful to me.
Why?
They Cheated. That's bad. They shouldn't get back together.
Wrong.
They love each other and it's clear. They only were with other people because they were lonely. And they couldn't stand the war alone. but the biggest thing is that: from the start, there was no one else. Ever. They always loved each other. They knew this. They are able to come together and forgive one another. I think it's a testament to true love and what you will do for it.

I should go to bed now, I feel tired now. Until I can't sleep or need to vent. So long.

I can't help but hurt

Today.
Today, was a bad day.

I woke up and thought immediately of the fact that it's Opening day for Little Women the 359 show.
YAY!
For them.
For me, it is remembered as one of the worst days of my life. I got dumped on my opening night of my first 359 show. So there's that.

Then I had class, it was wonderful.
I did my monologue. And then I went to work and I had a great shift, I worked fast.
Then I shovelled the walk outside the office, just to do some non-logical labour work.

Then it got bad again.

I began to think about Kait.

"Fuck off Heart!"

One of my new quotes I've been saying. It's being a nuisance. I care too much. I love too easily. I just want to stop hurting.

I continue to get in my own way as I am attempting to live in the same world as Kait, and be her friend because I don't want to lose her, but I might.
I don't even want her to like me back anymore, I feel so pathetic, I feel the exact same way I felt in high school. Towards women.

She is who she is.

My stupid heart won't take a hint. I think because it already knows it's lost. It's holding on with everything.

Fuck off Heart!



I then had a terrible shift at the Mercantile. I worked with Frances which is always great. She's cute, she's funny, good lady. but I was grumpy, and I was so easily pissed off, I was scared that I would lose it on a patron a some points.
And then I saw Caleb and Caitlyn "relationing" in the corner, and I just about lost it. Not that I care about Caitlyn that way anymore, but because I feel so alone, I want that. I also still am hurt immensely by the broken friendship I now have with them both. Well, and it's dumpage day for me. Caitlyn was having the time of her life today, and all I could think for the class was "let nobody fuck with your feelings today, it's your day today"

And here I am typing out on here my crap day. AFter I flirted heavily with a first year student (again) I just seem so desperate.

I need to get my life in check. I need to be the best I can if i'm going to survive in this profession and do well.

Never give all the heart
W. B. Yeats, 1865 - 1939

"Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost."

Fuck. Off. Heart.

Another Typical PornFree Monday

A lonely heart will stay alert.
A happy heart will dance.

At a loss of words, at a second glance;
My breath quickens at the thought.

How can I? How could I?
But why?

We fly so high only to fall so much farther.
We venture so deep only to be let down much quicker.
We give so much only to be forgotten much sooner.

I am in between.
Our self worth is only what we have.
We try to give more and we come from deception.

Found.
Nothing interesting.
Keep looking.
Just leave it be.

I still have no words to use.
Can't craft many things out of the little vocabulary I know,
But that should not stop me.
It will not stop me.

I am writing...
It is. It is not. It is not good.

Don't worry brain. Let me help you from here.
I am in control. I have always been in control.
With me, with body, with heart.

Grown? Learned? Ready?
None...
But Here.

"Before you get old..."

Well.
I seem to be back here again. Typing into the ether.

Couple things.
I feel fat right now.
I crushed my serving shift tonight.
and I'm not happy with who I am.

I was told yesterday that I horribly failed my acting coaching midterm. I mean I knew this, but hearing it from a highly looked up to mentor when you're in your fourth year, really fucking sucks.
I need to be more willing to do things. I need more passion.
I need the passion that I have towards other people in my life.
If I could apply that to everything else that I do, I wouldn't have an issue.

When you realise you exactly where you were four years ago, it makes you wonder whether what you've done is really worth it. It makes you wonder whether you are ever going to stop being a loser with no motivation for anything.

My director/mentor told me that I reminded him of Hamlet.

I was ecstatic.

But

Then he explained. He said I am living in the 'To be or not to be' speech. He said one of Hamlets major character flaws is that he doesn't ever commit, he doesn't ever make a decision, but instead ponders the outcomes of IF he makes one. And that's what ends up screwing him over in the end.
He never grows.
Ophelia doesn't want to be with him because he is indecisive. or at least one reason.

I can't seem to will myself into my own life. It just seems unhappy and boring and painful.

My desire to succeed and do the work needs to be way through the roof.

I was also told that I am in a dip in my life. I was being worried about by other people.
Things need to change. I need to stop enjoying my depression. I need to stop feeding from the darkness.

I am so alone.
I am so alone, that I am spending all the time I can with my ex, because I find her wonderful. I feel like myself entirely when I am around her. I feel no higher comfort than with her, even though it's awkward at times. I think about her a lot. Especially lately, I miss her a lot.

I am really lonely. But also I a not alone, I have many people around me, but I am still lonely.
I miss cuddling. and just embracing in silence.

I am fucked up.

I also am absolutely WRECKED by my feelings surrounding Kait. I don't get it. Well, I do. My love is true. But I don't even know if it's love anymore, it's turned into a monster, it's an obsession. I cannot get over her. Mostly because whenever I see her, my heart melts. And I am completely entranced.

Help me.

I am also getting a lot of attention from the certs. They are flirting with me and texting me and just giving me attention.
I don't want it, because partly I don't feel I deserve it. I'm not attractive. I don't want to be strictly pigeon holed as the funny guy. I don't have time. My feelings are madly preoccupied with someone else. And any feeling I do have, is mostly sexual. I am just in trouble.

I've been really low for a while now. I don't get much sleep anymore. And I just don't have any real interest in anything anymore, except my obsession of being loved.

I need to step up my game. I need to take charge of my life. I need to find the passion that is in me somewhere.

And I need to focus on going back to training all of myself.


Let's do a quote because I like quotes.
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

History of Love

Love.
Pain.

The two seem to go hand-in-hand in my world.

A first love, who turned me from a fresh high school teen into the man I became.

A second, who taught me that independence is important.

I wish I could list more for you lovely folks (internet hackers, with no life except looking for identity theft and porn) more women who I've dated. but I haven't dated anyone else.

Doesn't mean I haven't loved others though...

I will proceed to tell you my journey of love and crushes of my life...

Kindergarten - I liked a girl in Kindergarten, her name started with an M. That's all I remember.
Grade 0ne - Can't seem to remember.
Two - a girl named Kenzie because there were two Mackenzie in that class, and Elise who was really into art.
Three - Shanna, that's right, you heard it, the name of the girl who married one of my best friends a few months ago. it was just a crush but it's still funny.
Four - Emma, I was really into this girl and thought she was incredibly cute, she may have been my first female friend that I hung out with frequently as well. Huh.
Five - Still Emma.
Six - Yep. Emma again. But she left about 3 months in, and transferred schools (not cuz of me... I swear. Haha.). But then I started to like Brianna, who was a friend of Emmas, she was just cute. Oh yeah, her and Carolyn (the girl my friend liked), Jared (the friend I previously mentioned) and I were the best of friends this year.
Seven - Still Brianna.
Eight - Should I even say it, Brianna.
Nine - For the first bit I liked Brianna, then things shifted (finally) I began to like many. Anna, Bobbie.
Ten - Bobbie, (Jared also liked her a lot and continued to for years.), Miranda, a girl who's mom died of Ovarian Cancer and also who got married after she graduated.
Eleven - No one.
Twelve - I had a point to prove and duties to fulfill, no time to crush on girls.

Rosebud.

Certificate - I found Kait intriguing and Lydia, who's now married also cute. Along with Chelsea, Amy, Lauren, Lauren. Also my bromances reached a new high this year with Zachary. But Jesse, the only girl I had a full on interest in. Luckily, I was able to date her for most of the year and well into...
MP1 - ...my second year, unfortunately things shifted I was once again, single. I liked Kait once again this year.
MP2 - Caitlyn, I found her so attractive and strong. Unfortunately, she was in a relationship... however, I did the unthinkable and "stole" her from him. So we dated on and off for the next year. I'm ashamed of this with all my heart but I also liked Kait in this year as well, hence the eventual break-up of Caitlyn and I.
MP3 - Here I am, and well the only girl on my mind is... Kait. The one who has seemingly been constant. I like her a lot differently than these other girls though. I can't describe my feelings. I have no need for her love or an anticipation for anything, as much as I'd like, I just love her; I just want to be around her and spend my hours with her. She's got it all from what I see, and for what I'm looking for now after I've learned what I have from previous experience.

Alas, It seems to not be a thing that is in the cards though. I can't get close to her, she's cut me off at the stem. I can't be around her or look at her because I feel like I'm intruding on her, I want to give her space and not have her deal with me.
We had a talk the other evening and she told me she wanted to remain friends, I kept composure for her sake. She may very well believe I am over her, and okay with it and understand. but she doesn't know and doesn't need to know that I am utterly wrecked, i'm in a constant pain, a constant loss of a friend not just a silly crush (which is so much more than that).

I Miss Her.

But I can't be around her anymore because I fear it will be interpreted incorrectly.
I didn't tell her everything I wanted to that night.
I wanted to tell her that she is the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever met, She is so kind that it hurts to think about it sometimes, She is so present with you everytime you look in her eyes, I melt. Her family is one for the history books as a model family. I love it. She takes my breath away. she makes me weak at the knees. She is one of the strongest women I know and I think will ever know. She is independent, which is highly attractive. She is SOOO in love with God that I feel left out of something beautiful.
I could go on about her, but since I'm not great with words, they won't do justice to this woman. She deserves to receive the love language I am capable of speaking and yet, maybe more than that.

She is who I want in a woman.

But my heart has been gutted and ripped from my chest.

Now what?



I can't move on. but I must for the sake of health and my respect for her.

Thinking of her everyday, because... well I can't seem to stop.

"My strength has the strength of ten because my heart is pure" - ALT

Hey.
So it's been a little bit since you and I connected, Senor Blogger.

A lot has happened.
A lot of change has happened. Growth.

I am on a regular daily diet (Fruit, Veggies, The good stuff, Etc.)
I run every day. I'm starting to feel superheroish, like I used to.
I read my bible everyday, and pray everyday. I started to really find the value in speaking with God one-on-one.
I meditate daily. It hones my focus and calms my stresses.

I actually went to the doctor yesterday for a complete checkup, and the doctor said that there was nothing wrong with me, I was in near perfect health, if I lost 10 pounds and my pulled pectorals were healed, then I would be ideal. I felt/feel extremely proud.

So as you can see, a lot has happened.
I've also noticed with this lifestyle change, that other things are falling away. My porn chokehold is slipping from me fast. I can't even watch Game of Thrones, or other things of the sort. I am beginning to be repulsed by the way the media uses it as an enticement. It's sickening. I shouldn't have to put that into my head, it's everywhere in today's culture and therefore it's near impossible to get away from it. It gives us (men, Specifically) an unhealthy objectification of Sexuality. Sex is beautiful and we don't realize this the way we should or need to. We can't see passed the initial gratification, I want to be able to share this beautiful, awkwardly wonderful moment with the person that I will one day be together forever with.

My friend is getting married tomorrow, and I am blown away at how he looks at her and vice versa. Just knowing that they will spend every intimate moment with each other is one of the most lovely things there is. I'm performing Sonnet 116 for the wedding and there's a wonderful piece in it that says:

"It (Love) is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.."

This means that Love is a constant and will not sway when fights or arguments or rough patches get in the way when it is true. And I believe this to be truer than true. I can't wait to watch my friend take this step.

However, back to the land of reality. I arrive at the wedding rehearsal and greet my friend who then immediately whisks me away to meet the bridesmaids (some I know, some I do not).
He and his fiancée are trying to set me up. I am flattered but unimpressed, as I want to remain single and protect my heart from being opened again for a little while.
The night travelled on as it does and some harmless, passive flirting later and some rehearsal shenanigans; I had a good evening.

The groomsmen went to the pub for a few after the rehearsal and it was great to catch up again even though I can't really connect to or talk to the guys about romance because I am the only single groomsman. However, my ego was boosted when at the end of the night the server gave me her number on my bill and no one else's. I'm not interested but a boost goes a long way.

I have started to feel better about this whole situation happening between Caleb, Caitlyn and I. I gave Caleb a hug the other night with no other words attached and I also drove him to Calgary and appreciated his company. And with Caitlyn, I'm moving on. I still hurt a little, but hey, what's life and knowledge without pain. I live by making mistakes and learning from them, I had "Pain" by Three Days Grace go through my head all week, and the song talks about how he'd rather feel pain than not feel anything.

"Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." - Alfred Lord Tennyson. (Poet for the Queen and son of a reverend.)

I feel like I'm getting a grip of who I am in this time of silence and singularity. I enjoy my own company, I'm doing more things for myself and absolutely loving it. Such as going to the beach this past weekend, just because I wanted to (others may have joined me but I decided alone before) or my one-man camping trip that I'm going on within the next few weeks. I can't wait to discover more of myself. I learned a song on the piano from Pride and Prejudice today for the heck of it. I wrote a few songs and played guitar, because they were just at the tips of my fingers.
And I'm most importantly valuing my friends and how much they are worth to me, and the conclusion is immense. Too large to speak of, without my friends I would be alone (truly).

Thank you Jesus for my privileges and skills, my friends and family, my country.

I feel great, Mentally, Emotionally (stabilising), Physically, Spiritually and Wholly. I am at a point in my life where I can do anything. And that is my greatest asset right now.
''
Bring it on World. Anything you throw at me, I'll bounce back, somehow and eventually. "Love's not times fool" and nor am I.


Until I need to talk again. Bye bye for now.

Soy (Which actually meant to spell Spy but it was funny so i left it)

I have been so stupid.
It seems that I have harmed more than I have bettered. I also seem to sway from one end of the dramatic emotion spectrum to the other, but I can forgive myself of it because I'm an actor.

I'm entitled to be dramatic.

I have been trying to justify a situation that happened to me lately.
Basically, I loved someone but was selfish and didn't give her what she deserved to have, and then she finally made a decision, the right one, to not pursue me anymore and she started to put that focus somewhere else, my knowledgeable friend Caleb. Now what?

She likes one of my best friends and I flipped out. I didn't talk to him for a few days, because I "needed to teach him something" and I wanted him to find out how much I mean to him.

Why?

I wanted to justify my pain.

I don't need to. I love her still, but that pain has been a long time coming, considering all the pain I put her through. I'm allowed to feel my pain. I'm allowed to not like the idea of them starting something. But I cannot tell them what they can and cannot do, I can only take care of myself.

I was reading a blog today. I read all of the posts. I didn't do anything else during this time of "casual reading". At the end of reading these posts, I felt like the most loved, biggest doofus and most tolerated individual on the face of this planet. I wish that I could go back in time and fix anything that went wrong or go back and turn my focus slightly another way, to someone who should've had it. But what would that have done in the end. I wouldn't have learned how to improve myself or to grow.

I wish that I could go back to the first time I found Caitlyn interesting and not have kissed her. I wish that she would have been single when I did. Things would have turned out much differently if the terms we started our relationship on were new. Who knows what would have happened then. No one perhaps?

...Oh! Except possibly the Big Guy.

My counsellor (let's call her, Dot for privacy reasons) has been telling me that I have control over myself and that's all. I also have to give myself the necessary space I need, I can't lie to myself. I have to be able to love myself. Dot asked me if I can stand myself and what I have done purely for my own enjoyment. I replied with the time I went and saw a movie by myself because I wanted to see it and no one else wanted to. I went on my own to the theatre to watch "The Grand Seduction" and I am so glad that I did because it is now one of my favourite movies I ever watched. I need to be okay with adventuring on my own. I don't need other people, even if that means going on without a hand to hold.

I owe some people an apology. Not because I'm taking back what I've said, or I feel bad about something (even though I do about a lot of things) but mostly because I don't like burning bridges and it's polite to apologize when wrongs have been made.

So I'm Sorry.

You know who you are.

I have been impacted by a woman this past year and the times that she brightened my day even if my face said something else are far too many to count. I have been having trouble sleeping and getting out of bed, because I have no hope. I feel abandoned, even though I'm not and I feel taken advantage of, even though I'm not. I don't see a point in being here, but with the help of God and my daily tasks and the excitement and fear of graduating in a year, I am living well. I don't know what I will do in a year because I will be out of my program and that scares me because I feel lonely enough as it is, when I have no mentors constantly supporting, then what do I do.

We'll wait and find out I guess.

I should finish this post before I start creating bullshit to fill space.

Until next time...


Highlight of the day:
I bought the movie Kingsman. Good Gracious I love Spy movies.

Understand

I love Caitlyn still.

I may not have realised it until this past week when I learned that she wants somebody else.
It hurts.

It's one of the worst pains... to realise what you once had and not be able to have it anymore, or even realise that it's too late to make amends.

I realised that I do love her. I was just too clouded about getting over Jesse that I didn't see what I had. I had a great girl, now I don't.

That's the way life works. Especially when you're being ignorant and oblivious.

But I think one of the worst things about this is that I feel betrayed, I couldn't tell you why but I feel betrayed by my ex and my best friend.

I went to him after my first breakup. The first one I went to, I have told him just about every reason why I liked Caitlyn as well, I told him intimate things about my relationships, I tell him everything wrong with my life and I up until last week expected him to tell me how I would be okay.

And yet he doesn't seem to understand why I am upset with him about starting something with my ex. I tried to talk to him the other day, and I felt like the conversation was going nowhere because everything I would say, he would try to justify his counterpoint. I tried to tell him how I was feeling, attempt to make him understand. I said to him "well what if I started dating your ex" and you know what response he gave me? "Good luck" is what he said, instantly I knew he didn't get it. I was looking for hatred, sadness, something emotional. but what I got was a logical answer.

He gave me a logical answer over an emotional one.

His heart must hurt, but I didn't see it. I wanted him to say to me that he would be upset with me, or it would be hard for him to see me with her.

He doesn't get that. I hope he does. Or maybe he does already, but will he ever show it to me?

Maybe not.

Anyways, I can't do anything about this situation. If he wants to date her and her vice versa, then they have all the right in the world to.

I understand this.
I just don't want to be disregarded.

Sure I broke her heart first. but now mine is breaking. To hear someone say to you that they don't love you anymore, for fucks sake, it takes the life out of you. Especially when it was your fault for pushing her away because you felt it wasn't working only because I didn't realise how I needed to live. I realised tonight that I want someone who can stand on their own two feet, but also want to feel protected. I realised that I treasure my alone time a lot, I like to be in my own world away from anyone else, and have to only care about me. I do begin to worry when I am with someone, so I text them to check in and see if they are alright. This doesn't mean that I want to talk, I just want to know that you're still there and ) don't need to worry.

Fuck. it hurts to love a girl you pushed away who loved you but now doesn't because she likes your best friend.

Good thing I'm seeing a counsellor.

Not Over Yet

I'm not over her...

That's a concept that is difficult to handle, I thought I was done. I thought that I had finished it.

I'm not done, it's not done. She is done. She has another boyfriend and has had one since a few months after we broke up, she seems happy... happier than she ever was with me.
It's been coming up on two years since it was broken off. I can't believe that I've held on to this for so long. I should be over this by now, shouldn't I?
Why can't it be finished so I can move on and love others..?

Where's the answer?

Apparently nowhere to be found. I feel alone. I feel wrong. I feel sad. Constantly sad. Maybe I'm forcing the sadness because I like it. I wake up some mornings to find that I have no hope for the future, it's gone, along with yesterday's breakfast.
Can I not forgive her?
Is that it? I mean she didn't cheat on me as far as I know, so why am I so focused on it. Why is it slowly killing me? It's over and has been for a long time now.

As a friend said, I'm the one who is fucked up!

I just keep fixating on the fact that I was naïve and stupid and so, so in love.

but you see, there's the kicker, I wasn't just in love with her... I was head over heels, every time I walked through the door and saw her my knees buckled adored her!
She was the reason that made me understand what love was, real love.

And one of the worst parts about this is that I can't give my love to any one else, no matter how badly I want to. I gave what I thought was my heart to another person but it turns out it was just my loneliness and selfishness. I hurt this girl. I teased her. I've apologized more than I can ever think to count to this woman.

And now all I want from her, is to run as far as she can away from me. That's the best thing in my mind for her to do. That way I can't hurt her any more.

Seriously, I don't and never did deserve the love that that woman gave to me.

I never thanked her for it. I took it and swallowed it and stomped on it and sucked her dry of love until I broke her down, made her sad.

How could I be so stupid?
I've ruined any chance that I could ever hope to have with her in the future, even if she is the one for me. I fucked up that opportunity because I can't unlove someone else.

I am pitying myself. But I am growing, I am a deeper person than I was a few years ago. What's next for me to do?

I'm not over my first love. My first real love.
And I want to love again, so I don't lie to myself or others anymore.

Love and Travel

I went to Calgary today to mostly get fit for a suit at a Moore's which were only located in Calgary (fucking stupid). Mostly because I didn't want to drive in Calgary.
But we (Caleb and I) also went to Calgary to see a show called "We are the body" which was absolutely stunning, the story was captivating I wasn't distracted by the room or audience until the end of the show when I began to get bored, but honestly the three actors we watched put so much passion into the truth of the story they were playing.

I was impressed, I didn't feel super affected by the play emotionally except for when some sound cues got intense or when insinuation of rape came into conversation.

Absolutely incredible.

We picked up Caitlyn at her place and first off, I have to say that her family has one of the most beautiful houses I've ever seen, It overlooks a pond, it's the last on the street, and it's big and nice.

I was nervous to pick her up because I started out on the wrong foot with her family and I can't seem to shake my shame I feel toward them over her daughter and how I approached our relationship (when we had one). It's unfortunate, but a lot of my decisions and actions are based off of, previous mistakes that I have made or felt I've made, and that I can't comprehend anymore because they were either really horrible or shameful. I then can't move on healthily because I'm back by a previous experience and I am so apologetic against myself.


Caleb and I had really lovely talk on the way back from Calgary about ourselves, life, love, loss and numerous amount of other things. I was brought to realize that I don't listen as well as I think I do. I also don't give myself the opportunity to really invest into anything, I just seem to head things off at the pass and that's the end of it. I hold myself back from learning, from growing. I get comfortable in who I am, where I am. I don't want to help anyone out because I don't want to, or I don't want to listen to people because I'm bored and I don't care.
I need give myself more room and space to feel. I need to be uncomfortable sometimes, I have to push past my disinterest and get the work done. I don't show my work trail, I just do and leave. I don't see and analyze.
What's with that?
I have to realize that I'm not the most experienced, the most intelligent, the most dramatic, the most wise, etc. I learn at my own pace and I have to get that I can't hand out information I don't fully understand.

As Winston Churchill said, "Continuous Effort - not Strength or Intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."

Let's do the Thanks again:
1. I am thankful my mother who loves me enough to not allow me to die and continually makes me food and gets it to me by whatever way is possible.
2. I am thankful for Norma and Lennette, whom I've worked with for weeks now, they show so much investment, care and kindness to me.
3. I am thankful for Caitlyn, I am constantly baffled by how much she can love, and give. She is so strong, she is the Wonder Woman in my life, she loves me even after I've, time and time again, fucked up!

Lost

Today, I took a big step forward, I contacted help, a counsellor more precisely.
I didn't think that I would ever need one because I like my father can handle my own problems and nothing is too big for me to not be able to figure it out on my own, I should have a strong brain to work out the equations of my life.
But to be honest, I have too much to think about now!
I am very much of the philosophy "God won't give us more than we can handle" but it's come to a point where I must ask for help and I am not being able to function properly.

I have become more reserved; I feel more alone, sad and doubtful.

I've developed a sore body, because of the pattern of life I have undertaken in this state, I don't exercise like I used to occasionally, but now it's completely non-existent and my diet has included nothing but fast food and sugar. Because of the late nights I've spent with friends and the stress of the days I don't sleep well.

My love life has completely crashed and burned, I feel no ability to love anyone, because I must still be grieving of the loss of, a woman I gave my entire heart to and she broke it and hurt me bad, then left never to be seen again except on occasion. I loved her, I knew what love was, I felt it.

It wasn't complicated... Then it was one day gone.

I've been on a quest since then to find that love again, but because I have struggled with Pornography and I haven't wanted to give my love to anyone again, I can only view the women I desire to get know or possibly pursue in a healthy relationship... in an unhealthy, addictive, lustful way.
I am at a fork in the road currently, if you will.

One path is beautiful, sunny and straight on into the horizon, I can almost see the whole way! However, I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I look down that path.

The other way is covered by a forest that is dark and damp, I can't see 5 feet in front of me but I can see a light through it, and I don't feel unsettled in my stomach when I look that way.

I don't know which way to go. Well, I do know. But I don't want to go down that way. I like lusting after people, to be honest, but I don't want to treat my female friends like objects and I don't want to lose people.

And I want to find that one person I spend the rest of my life with.

I am lost.

My friend has a blog and he has a little thing called his 3 thankful thoughts! I've decided to do that... at least for todays post:
1: I am thankful that I live in a town full of loving, caring people who will listen to you or will just watch a movie with you to help you through.
2: I am thankful for my opportunity to shadow Morris as he directs the Wizard of Oz, I've learned and am continuing to learn so much.
3: I am thankful for my parents, mom and dad, who love me with absolutely all love that they can possible give out! I lucked out when God gave me to them 21 years ago.