Are good men a myth?

In the past few days there has been sexual assault accusations popping up left, right, and center.

I support all of those brave women (and men) for coming forward and revealing some of their scariest memories.

But there are things making ME afraid...

Am I doing enough?

Am I a bad guy?

Is there anything I've done that could blackmail me?

Have I scarred women in my life?

Will I ever redeem myself if I have?

Is asking this confirming that I've done things?

All I have to conclude is that I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. And I've done my absolute best to overcome those mistakes to be a better...

Man. Friend. Son. Brother. Person.

We live in a scary, scary world. With bad thoughts, temptations, and people.

As an ultimate actors dream, I wish to be heard and seen. But when I read news of the past ruining actors or actresses lives I can't but think I want nothing to do with being in the lime light.

Which is sad, isn't it?

Anyway, here I sit.

I am ashamed.

I am afraid.

I am sorry.

I am trying.

I am learning.

I am human.

😟

Why do I feel this way?

Lonely. Depressed.

Is it because I feel stuck? Trapped in a life I don't want to be living?

Away from all my friends?

The one thing always comes back around is the feeling that am alone. I'm single. And yes.
We've been here before. but it bothers me on a mental level. It bothers me that it seems to be so hard. And why shouldn't it be?
it's love.

But my friends are all happy and married or in a relationship and I am left to traverse this land alone.

I want to cry. but it seems childish to cry about this.

So I won't.

I'm busy though. I'm working my ass off at work every day and now I'm rehearsing a movie. And I have auditions. things are happening for me. but I just don't feel fulfilled.

I'm in love. but I think I'm in love with the wrong woman. she is so out of reach.

Mark Twain: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Well.

It seems it's come to that time.
The time to go to work in the morning.

I mean I should be excited, right? I'm getting paid finally.

But, I'm not terribly excited, you see. I'm nervous.

I'm frightened. I've got anxiety. I'm nauseated. I am scared.

I don't know anyone I'm working for. I don't have a fantastic working track record, or ethic.

I'm worried.
I feel like a lost boy.

It feels like the first day of college again.
I want to cry. I want to cry hard.

What if it doesn't go well, and I get fired?
What if the bosses are huge dicks, and it makes my life hell?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really, really don't.

But the bottom line, is that I have to. And I will go. Up at 6, off just after 7, and work at 8.

I'm not comfortable. This is out of my comfort zone. But I suppose there's a quote out there about that...

Hmm...

I believe it's said by Neale Donald Walsch, an american christian author...

"Life begins where your comfort zone ends"

And boy, am I uncomfortable. I wished, and prayed for so long to get a well-paying job, and now I've landed one.
So why does it feel so scary and wrong?





These songs, this music, this man. Seem to be calming my nerves.
I am truly afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to go to bed.

But It' getting later, and later, as I type, and I type.

I can feel it approaching...
The time to go to sleep...
or try to...

Deep breath in...


and out..


and in...


out...

Rockabye Baby, Don't you cry.

As I sit here. Preparing to go to bed.
Slightly frustrated at my understandably deaf brother watching a movie in the next room with the sound up so he can hear it.
I can't help but feel lonely.

In Rosebud, I was surrounded by so many people, people who seemed to care, or some who actually did.
Now, at home. There's just my family, and maybe one married friend.

I write letters to people that I care about, in Nova Scotia, the States, Rosebud.
I message them.
I text them.
I post to them.

But I don't ever seem to get any sort of response, unless I make the first move. And even then...

I mean, this has happened my whole life. A sort of one-sided friendship, HELL, I'm MCing my best friends wedding in May, and he's never once talked to me of his own accord unless he needed something, but he's still my greatest friend.

So I'm not really bothered by it. It teaches me to love myself. Make my own life. Focus on myself.

I don't expect anything. Truly.

It's just these quiet moments I really feel it, you know?
Just lonely. That's all.

Being a single 22 year old while most of your friends are one of the following: Married, Engaged, Dating, about to be dating doesn't help either.

Also the whole not getting a job either. I've been applying for almost 2 straight months now and I've had no bites. None. I have very little money, and I can't do anything outside of my home. It's like I'm 10 again, but not going to school. Very depressing situation. Here's to hope.

Although, I'm feeling great in all other aspects. I'm working out, and dieting which has placed in a very proud fitness position at the moment. I have a loving family with anything I need. I'm healthy. I'm reading more often. I'm writing. I'm applying for auditions.


I'm listening to Rockabye by Clean Bandit Feat. Anne-Marie & Sean Paul. Non-stop, it's my song at the moment. It's catchy. I like it a lot.





Goodnight All.

There is no safety in the bathroom

Some context.

I've been struggling with pornography and masturbation since I was 11 years old. My first glimpses were shown to me by some friends across the street. Little did I know that that would be the beginning of a long and difficult journey.

I haven't escaped it, not yet, but I have conquered a goal. 2 weeks today, I am clean. I stopped looking at pornography 2 weeks ago after watching a film called She Has A Name. A film about Human Trafficking, It was poignant and shocking to watch something so horrifically true. I vowed to do my best to not contribute to that culture at all.

So far, so good.

However, Now I seem to be buzzing. Buzzing from my hormones that are now being contained inside me like trapped air in a balloon. I am at an insane level of heightened sexual energy. I can't seem to think of much else.

It's the toughest when I'm on my own. I have to be stronger when I'm on my own.

I feel good about my decision and journey but, man, is it hard.

Respecting the women around me and in my world is of utmost importance to me.

I must stay strong.
Not just for their sakes. But mine as well.

I want to be a better man. And this, I believe, is a way to be better.

Insomnia Chronicles: Land Lady's Daughter

I need to go to fucking sleep!!!

I have to get up at 6 am to be able to drive to rehearsals at 9 am tomorrow morning. But here I am, at 1 am trying my hardest to fall asleep. It's not working.

Why?

Do I have something on my mind? Perhaps.
Am I stressed? Again, Perhaps.
Am I thinking about my land lady's ridiculously, flirty and hot daughter that is sleeping just above my head? You bet.

What else?
What am I going to do come March?

Maybe I'm thinking about how I consistently get sidestepped or intentionally avoided by girls I want to pursue.

Why am I having so much trouble falling asleep???
It's driving me absolutely bonkers.

In other news, ever since I saw She Has A Name a week and a half ago, I've been clean from Pornography and Masturbation. I feel good about it, even though I am tempted, especially when the attractive girl upstairs flirts with you incessantly.

------

What the hell do I discuss now? I've run out of things to say.
I've been reading the Autobiography of Gene Wilder, and I can't seem to put it down. He's so wise in his words and has an incredibly human way of looking at life. He is so filled with wonder and underestimation. He speaks of letting the reality of a humourous physical gesture be entirely real, and not trying to be funny, just being real will make it as funny as it is.

I am in rehearsals with 6 other people, one of whom being the person I just can't seem to get over. Seeing her everyday takes me a step back, I revert to doing childish things like: following her into the rooms she's in, finding whatever way I can to be close to her, talking to her about anything. It's kind of hell, but I need to show her that I'm over her. She thinks I am.

I went on a date... or rather attempted to go on a date a week or two ago with this girl that I find rather intriguing but I don't know what she thinks of me. I flirt with her whenever we're around each other but I also got a yes from her when I asked if she wanted to go out. After getting myself properly dressed up for the date driving myself to the location, I receive a call from an unknown number, it's her, she's bailing on me, she's not coming. I proceed with the date... on my own. Fuck. What the hell? Now, I don't know what she's thinking. But I can't make the first move, the ball is in her court. And it's killing me.

Please God, let me go to sleep.
Please God, let me have enough energy for tomorrow.
Please God, allow me the rest I need.
Please God, let me wake up at the time I must get up.
Please God, take away my insomnia.
Please God, keep me strong.
Please God, reassure my female endeavours.
Please God, give me the motivation and power to be the best actor I can be.


I had this chat with a pal, a couple nights ago, about how I don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I am haunted by the mistakes that I make. I just can't seem to shake them. I remember the horrible mistakes I make clearer than any other memories in my mind. I feel sorry for what I've done, especially if it's affected someone else's life negatively. I can't bring myself to forgive. I suppose, in a way, I don't seem to want to forgive myself, I don't think I deserve it.

I have to figure this out. I have to be able to find a way to move on. So I can let go of the baggage I have. I also have to try to fall asleep.

Fucking Hell... Lord, Help.

All my high school friends got married

I'm looking for a girl who would punch me in the face if I stepped over the line, but still let me offer my coat on a brisk walk.

Someone to laugh at my jokes, but then still laugh even after she's told me they're lame.

The one to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, even if she doesn't like it but knows I love it.

The woman who will rant to me about who and what presses her buttons, but still treats everyone genuinely respectfully, kindly, and cares for strangers.

The girl who will make fun of me day in and day out, but still reassure me that I'm a hero that's worth everything to her.

The lady who will support God with everything she has, yet also swear unholy expressions just because she's feeling it.

Somebody to be presentably modest and conservative, but whisper dirty secrets into my ear in the same breath.

The person who will look at me like I'm stupid and stupendous all at once.

I don't know who you are or where, but I'm preparing for you and can't wait to stumble across that day.

Insomnia Chronicles: Night before Tech Week

Don't really know what to say.

I'm here late at night, unable to fall asleep again.
My melatonin has unfortunately failed me yet again. And I'm left to stare into the black abyss around me.

There's nothing major going on in my life that is keeping me awake, I just am having trouble falling asleep. I do open a show on Wednesday, but I am confident enough in it that I shouldn't feel stressed. Maybe it's because I got to an emotional triumph in rehearsal today with my character but then was unable to crawl out of it. I just didn't know what it was that kept me there, I had to completely disassociate myself from the work in order to crawl out in a healthy manner. It then left me exhausted for the rest of the day. It was a little scary.

I don't have any pressing matters. We talked about Stage Sensuality in rehearsal today as an off-topic topic, and we discussed it's importance in the theatre and how it should be treated like stage combat and dance. It's blocking, and the importance that you emphasize on the intellectual basis of it and trying to remove any form of sexual tension or what not. It was interesting, I've been intrigued by this topic for a while now and want to dig deeper and discover more. (ex. no rehearsal kissing without a third member or crew member present).

Another thing would be that I am still trying to focus on me, and my skills. Consistently improving upon thyself, and building a person you can respect when gazed upon.

Well, that probably didn't make a lot of sense. But I am just trying to fall asleep. Thank you Blog.

Whiskey & Ink Blots

As I sit here doing some script work and figuring out how to improve my current state of being, I decided to take a look around at my surroundings.
I realised I was exactly the right picture of what I wanted to be... My ideal of a man, working hard.
I happened to be using my new fountain pen that I had received for Christmas while I nonchalantly sipped my glass of brandy. I had had quite the revitalising evening which involved a spiritual cleansing at the fault of a worship night led by Centre Street Church, so once I arrived back home I proceeded to just make whatever I happened to be wearing a little more comfortable, a tucked unbuttoned dress shirt barely revealing a white tank top undershirt and Christian chain symbolising the crucifixion around my neck that was complimented by grey chinos and brown belt.
I ruffled my hair throughout the evening to scratch the inevitable itches that bothered me all night which presented a now well-worn clean cut that was reminiscent of Ernest Hemingway in the early hours of the morning.
Scruff and a mustache graced my imperfect face as I repeated the lines over and over aloud as if I were a broken record. Tempted by the alluring physicality of the television, I work hard to pursue my determined goal of self-improvement.

No sound to be heard at all except the scripted words I spat into the air, and the occasional click-clack of the anxiety infused Jack Russell over my head as he paced back and forth from window to window. The dim lights encouraged my environment as I pushed forward in my work, I wasn't clouded by the false sense of light that was my overhead switches, instead I was kissed gently by the lamps and candles I had lit as their dull yellow magic cascaded over my books to help me learn.

The question I have now though that has raced back and forth in my mind for weeks now, is "Who do you want to be?" as I miserably fail in answering this cracker day in and day out. I realise more and more that I don't want to be alone, but am revealed to understand and learn the most when I am. I actively search for the one I think could compliment my undiscovered gold mine of a human being underneath this confused and naïve stature. Finding and establishing a relationship with God was a resolution on my New Year list. I believe that finding that connection and strengthening it will help improve this muddled life of mine and give me meaning. Shifting my focus to self-improvement will increase my level of sanity as I proceed to walk this treacherous path that is unwittingly called life.

The Insomnia Chronicles: Delayed Anxiety

It's 1:30 am and I can't seem to sleep.

I've even put a melatonin in my system and that's not doing the trick.

Maybe it's because I have a lot I'm thinking about, which is why I'll give blogging a try.
It's helped in the past and maybe will now.

I have to be up at 6 to drive Dad to the Calgary Airport.
I'm so thankful for dad, he came with me on my drive to Calgary just spontaneously and he stayed with me for a couple days. I am now worried about his flight, because I apparently think the worst.

And then, worry.

I've prayed to God. (2017 is the year I own up to my Christian Identification) I talked to Him about my troubles and anxiety.
I'm worried for dad's safety tomorrow.

I'm also lonely in Calgary, I'm fully living on my own, I don't have anyone across the hall, or down the street that I remotely know. It's weirding me out.

I am having female issues, I become absolutely obsessed with women, I don't just like them, or am interested, I full on think about them and scheme and plan and dream until it ruins all my chances I may or may not have had. I like someone I know, and am wanting to ask her out, but am afraid it won't be right or she'll turn me down. Yet, I can't seem to be able to forget about her for 2 seconds. It's someone new at least, rather than the person I've struggled to get over.

Getting a job also seems to be a tricky thing, I am only around for 2 months, one of which I won't be around for 60% of it. Money is becoming a major burden. And it's stressing me out.

Rehearsals are not helping me due to the fact that I did very little over the Christmas Holiday to prepare for it, I am planning this week to study hard and make this my best role to date, but some wrist slapping and a shameful overhang isn't helping for the moment.

Anyway, We are caught up, I'm going to try to sleep now. Best of luck internet.

X O X O

G.