I'm Fine.

Tonight has been one of those nights where I recognize how lonely I am.
And that's not a bad thing, by all means.

No, What I mean is that I wish I had someone to come home to, and vice versa, I wish I was somebody that someone could come home to as well.

I really was feeling the weight of the day, especially near the end of the day. I came home from a shift at Kith & Kin, and I'll tell you that I would've given anything...

and, yes, I do mean anything...

..to be able to go into the arms of someone that I loved and loved me to kiss and to hold.

I wish that I was able to do exactly what I did tonight, just with someone beside me.

Come home, tidy up.
Make a quick, bland meal.
Make some tea.
Set out some laundry.
Set up my computer/TV.
Answer some emails.
Pull up Netflix.
And watch Gilmore Girls with my slippers in the glimpses of lamplight cascading from my bedside table.

I wish that it wasn't so hard to find someone.

But truly. find. someone.

I want to be able to tell someone my hopes.
My dreams.
The stupid ideas I've had throughout the day that could potentially be fantastic.

I wish I had someone to encourage me to move forward, even if what lies ahead is foggy and mysterious.

It doesn't help that I get flustered easily around anyone I find kind, chill, pleasant, fun, and enjoyable, and doubly so if they happen to be the opposite gender.
So I end up saying things I don't mean,
or cracking jokes I don't want to,
or being macho,
or playing it cool,
or showing off,
or not being genuine.

Which prevents me from being the true inner Geordie I want people to see.

This whole adult thing is hard. But I don't want to be a child anymore. So I must.

The good, the bad, and the poetry

As I live in this hell
She seems to be near
Living and breathing
Her own fucking life here

As I live in this hell
Ive got to move passed it
In order to find
A way out of this shit

As I live in this hell
My heart seems to ache
With every glance of her face
Or even her namesake

As I live in this hell
I'm reminded and sad
The loving, the stupid
And the hurt that I've had

As I live in this hell
It's time I must go
Forced into the dark
I trudge along slow

As I live in this hell
She will not rule me
Day in and day out
It's time I break free

A Mouse Hunt

What is happening to me?
My life feels so stagnant and unlucky right now.

I can't talk to one of my closest friends right now.
I'm stuck in a job that's barely paying me a living wage.
I feel out of place because I am not a student and don't fit in with the crowd because I'm trying to also not be a part of the student body.
I have a FUCKING MOUSE IN MY SUITE!
I'm not sleeping well.
I don't know what I'm going to do in the upcoming months to help pay for food and stuff.

I'm just so stressed right now.

And then to top it all off I came into rehearsal for the 2nd year student Christmas show to shadow the director and I got some aggression from Caitlyn, for bringing my supper into rehearsal?? Probably reading into it too much, but it was said with such disdain as if I had just destroyed her life. I haven't done anything that I'm aware of, so I'm confused as to why I was given hostility.

I also broke really hard the other day, I looked at pornography and I feel just fucking awful, every time I look, I feel as though my life is falling apart and skidding across the pavement. I don't feel adequate enough to even live. I shouldn't be stuck in this loop of shit.

I can't pursue dating because of this addiction and also because I don't know when and if I'd relapse over the person that I can't seem to get over. There's a person I want to ask out on a legitimate date but I don't want to be unfair.

I feel like I should give up on my spiritual life and I feel like I should I just not try. It's just terrible.

I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I should be acting like an adult and treating my mentors like colleagues and friends but where do I go for answers to things I don't know.

What is happening in my life? Why am I going through this shitty period?

Help me.
Someone.
Something.

Replace a Flat with the Spare

Well, here again.
Never thought I'd need to chat with you again.
For awhile anyway. Guess it has been.

I don't know what's going on.
I'm in deep. I'm in love. And I've known that I've needed to get over this girl many of times before. But this time, it's different. This time, I've been reassured that there is NO POSSIBLE CHANCE OF US GETTING TOGETHER.

EVER.

So that's exciting. And the stupid thing is, I can't go find someone else because that's just not fair.

To me.
Her.

It's not.

I'm not in a place to do that. I need to move on. But I need to move on, with myself. Which is difficult considering that I'm kind of horny dude, who likes a lot of women.
And I've tried to stop the whole pornography thing before. It's never worked out in the long run because my sexual energy is extremely high. I need to find a way to control that energy, off put it elsewhere.
So I've started to adopt and research practices and lifestyle of celibates, and more specifically, celibate religious members. I am attempting to step back entirely from the whole ordeal. Which means the bottom line is that I cannot date anyone. Period.

Now.
This is a temporary agreement I've made. But that doesn't douse the meaning of it all.
Let's hope it helps.

I see so many people happy, I see so many things working out for people. And I just hate watching it because I want it so bad. But I don't. Because deep down, I want SOMEONE so bad. And I've finally realized that my issue was that I didn't want to let go. But have to. Have to.

I hear rumblings that people like me and stuff like that, but I don't want to pursue, mostly because I don't want to hurt them, even if I was just trying things out. I don't want to start something again that I can't finish.

I need to find myself.
Find God.
Find my desires.
Find everything that makes me whole.

I'm on quite a ride. And it's killing me from the inside out. But I'm still breathing.
For some reason.
I suppose.

Lone Wolves Keep Themselves Warm in the Harsh Winter Air

Here I lay.
High on top of a loft bed in an unfinished suite.

All by myself.

I kind of like it. The Solitude. The not being bothered. The minding my own business.
But.
I do still get lonely. I get these anxiety-like episodes of uncertainty and loneliness.

Like today, I felt as though I had made a wrong decision to be where I've committed to be for four months.
I was grumpy, stressed, sad, depressed, uncertain, impatient, etc.

I finally came to my senses after remembering it's day one of a life transition. Things will feel crappy to start.

I don't feel like I've done a lot with my life. Inexperienced, Immature.
It's as if I feel unsatisfied with where I'm at. I've had very little experiences or feelings that make life feel purposeful and that give me hope and meaning.

Unfortunately, one of those things... is just a friend now, and as much as I'm happy she's still in my life, I still hate to think that she won't be the one I wake up to, just the one I call every couple months or years as we grow older.

I found something else that fills my heart and soul with power, excitement, uncontainable joy, and purpose.

Canoeing.

I want to be an Olympic Canoer. Canoeist? I know it sounds crazy at 22 but I haven't had that much raw feeling for something that wasn't a woman, in ages.

I have always loved to canoe, ever since I could, I knew that I loved it. I wish I had one, and I wish that I kept up with it.
If I want to do this, I must dedicate myself to HARD training of the mind, body, and spirit.

Understanding who I am is most important right now, keeping my head down, working hard, and fulfilling joy in every aspect of my solitary life. Living the dream and preparing for something greater to come down the road ahead.

I am excited for the next couple months and years, don't get me wrong, I just worry that I'll get to the end of my life and shame myself for not doing more.
I never want to let go of my dreams, or the people in my life. Especially the ones that make that fire roar.

Goodnight from the loft inside the unfinished suite, off the corner of the single four way stop in a Hamlet tucked in the Valley.

But Then What?

What am I?

I seem to be socially awkward.

I seem to be self-centered.

I seem to be lazy.

I seem to be defensive.

I seem to be jealous.

I don't seem to keep friendships long, without arguing.

I make everything about me.

I am not motivated.

I am not organized.

I talk too much.

I'm obsessive.

I'm not disciplined

I seem unintelligent most of the time.

I seem ignorant.

I seem insincere.

Who have I become?

I received my evaluation from Mark about my Final Project. And I can't argue with anything that was said. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to quit theatre and cut myself off from everyone who knows the project, and everyone involved with my education at Rosebud.

I feel like a failure to everyone around me, a disappointment who's a lost cause.

I want to start fresh somewhere.





I think I'm going to fail.

I really, really do. And there's not a damn thing that I can do about it.

I'm not doing anything productive with my life at the moment. I live at home, I have no job, I'm single, I don't go out, I'm not very responsible. I'm not doing anything for my faith.

What's wrong with me?

Do I put too many people on a pedestal? Do I not make the first step? Do I obsess over the wrong thing?

There are so many people that I've hurt. There are so many people that I want to apologize too. There are so many times that I wish I could take back.

What am I doing here?




I feel like I'm driving to my failure tomorrow. I'm tenting. Whether that's smart or not, who knows. I'm too spontaneous, I rely on my ability to wing it too much. I don't prepare. I don't.

And I don't know how to change that without severely affecting the way that I view life or live it.

I'm glad this is my last item on my 'Graduate Rosebud List'.


I won't be a burden or a reason to roll eyes anymore to anyone in that town. I'll be out.


But then what?

The Beauty of Maggie Rogers

So let's go for a bit of a more positive post.

I'm adjusting to life at home, and as much as it's hard living with mom and dad, it' going alright. They're respecting my time and I'm making sure to take it. I do help out around the house more and I enjoy the work.
Such as chopping down a fucking tree today with an axe. I felt badass. My dad took a photo of me and my muscles that I've been working on 2 hours daily for the past 2 weeks is paying off. I'm starting to look fucking ripped! I love it.

I feel much better about myself as I have cut ties with Rosebud apart from a few things. It's such an amazing place, however sometimes it got to emotional and too real at times. I miss the connection and the people though. I have very little outside interaction here at home. But the upside to that is that I've been able to work on myself WAY more.

Like I said, I workout EVERYDAY and it's really beginning to pay off already and it's only the start of week number three. I've developed a much healthier eating habit, less sweets, more main food group stuff. I've finished a book a started 2 weeks ago and am starting another. (I'm not a reader). I am on a path of spiritual awakening, and I'm looking for my Father Saviour much harder. And I couldn't be more excited to search for Him.

I've started to spend more time with my parents and brother, I love it and I can tell that they appreciate having me at home as well. I don't have a job yet, and even though June is coming to an end quick, I enjoy the rest I'm getting. However, my school work is slow moving because I'm not giving it the time that it needs. I have a lot to do, but I believe that I'll get it done if I push myself, and I know I can.

I have started to stress about this upcoming wedding that I'm MCing, there's a lot to do and quite a bit happening. I do not want to come up short, so I've got to work my ass off. I've got everything I need to have the ball continue to roll and to even roll smoothly, I've just got to work at it, and efficiently.

I had a rough week last week, I had some heart stuff going on with Kait, we've talked and we've come to an agreement/understanding sort of thing. That I believe and have to trust is going to be quite alright for the both of us in the long run. It just sucks to put your heart through something like this. I've liked her a long time and still do. God has a plan and I've got to believe He'll do what's best.

A friend of mine, 14 years, Jared told me that he's never known me to be the player type. Now, let me explain. He said that once I have given over my heart to someone, it stays for quite awhile. Now this is not counting the crushes I've had, (but crushes come and go and heck you can have a crush on someone you've never met but in the long run they mean nothing unless another step has been made) I've only given my heart to a total of 5 girls, only 3 of which actually meant something substantial, so maybe only three. But the point he was making was that I'm built for commitment, it comes naturally to me, and I was quite surprised to hear this from Jared. I trust him with a lot of my life, a keeper of a friend for life, which in that category is again only a group of friends under 10 that I'd like to keep around forever.

On another note, I heard this song a few days ago, it's by a girl named Maggie Rogers, she's a student at a school in the states and she had a chance to meet and play a song for Pharrell and it was this one below. And fuck! It blew my mind, Pharrell's mind, and the teacher's mind all over the fucking room! She's a student, training, never produced before this, just pure passion for her sound. Have a listen, I can't stop listening to it.

(In fact, this whole post took about 15 minutes and I listened to this about 12 times on repeat)

Me and my broken heart

I hurt.

I sound like a broken record. But I'm in love

...

Err..

Was in love. Still in love.

Fuck. I don't know.

I think about her every fucking hour. Minute. Second.

It just isn't meant to be I guess. I want to text her, I want to message her. But it's not helpful.
For me. Or for her.

I also haven't been very honest with another woman. She's beautiful. But ultimately, I'm not be truthful to her how I feel and I'm approaching our relationship in an unhealthy way. Luckily, we've talked and have stopped.

But now I can focus on how my heart is broken.

She's my dream girl.

And I'm saying goodbye. She's confused. I'm confused. What is happening, God?


I'm working out everyday though, and eating much healthier. I haven't gotten to the spiritual connection yet. But working on it.

I can't fall asleep now. Because I'm thinking about her, and how I can't talk to her.

Fuckitty Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hate my love life. It fucking sucks.

Hello Darkness

We push on.

I have been celebrating these last few days and getting over my project. It's been nice. I've not felt happier in these last few days. Except that it's hitting me now.
Hence, the blog. I guess.

Most of the people I hung around with are gone. Or busy.

I leave this place that I've been the last few years.

Four.

The last four years.

I can't believe it.

I have to say goodbye to some people that I won't be seeing in a long, long time. If ever.
I'm gone in the next 3 days.

The last few hours.
I've already said goodbye to some. I have said goodbye to some a while ago.

I am moving on. Forward. Growing up.

I am starting my life.

I have an audition lined up for when I go home. But I don't have a job. Nothing to make sure that I am supported for the future. I worry that I won't be able to live the life that I want.

No girl. Which means no wife, therefore no family. Yet.
No job. No money. No travel.
No more education. No automatic social community.

I am scared. I don't want it. Lord help me.

Well...

Yeah... You. Lord.

I have promised to recommit this summer. And I have been failing. I have looked at porn this past week. It's not good. I feel like the shit, the depressive state is coming back.

I have no purpose to live right now. Because I'm done my schooling for the first time in 16 years. That's weird.

I've been eating junk too. I'm falling apart. Help me.

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What do you have planned for me?

What am I, Geordie, supposed to do? What happens? Show me I will turn out in a happy state of living.
Tell me I am stepping toward my dreams. Show me I am doing good. Show me everything will work out for me.

There are friendships that I wish were not messed up. People that I wish I didn't butt heads with. And it seems to be happening more frequently. Is it me? Everything I say around some people seem to set them off. Is there something about me that makes people want to knock me down a peg? I don't need it. I feel as though I'm pretty close to the ground as it is. Is it because I try to not let things bother me? Because I'm always optimistic, and it is making others disdain me? Why do these things happen to me? Why does everything I touch seem to run away, or hate me, or turn to shit?

It doesn't make sense.
I've tried to be the best human being that I can be. And will continue to.

The crying isn't stopping...

I've had a terrible night.
I haven't slept at all.

I had a meltdown. And I cried myself to sleep.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore.
All the friends I thought that I could talk to have either moved away, I haven't built enough trust between them, or something has happened to cause a rift.

I'm so stressed about this week. I just want my project over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want it to stop.
I'm finished.
I've given all that I can give right now. I can't give anymore. I can just give what I have.

I have no one to hold me. I have no one to be there for me right now.

That's what I wanted last night most of all was to cry into someones chest. But I had to cry in a ball on my bed. And I fell asleep... or at least for an hour.

I was at a wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful but it was too much.
Love.
The thing that I never seem to have.
And after the week prior to it, it was hard to sit and witness.

I've lost someone very, very dear to me. I can't go back to her, because it's not fair to her or me.

And because I feel like we've broken up our friendship/relationship, I truly feel heartbroken.
My heart was in actual pain last night.
They started to dance at the wedding and I couldn't stay there, it was different standing there last night in contrast to the Schmidt wedding. Where I still had hope.
But now that is gone.
I didn't want to dance. Not alone. Not with anyone. Except one. And I couldn't, she was gone, and she doesn't want me anymore.
It would've felt fake. Like I was trying to cover it up.

So I left.
I couldn't bear the pain my heart is being put through.

I shouldn't have given it so openly and deeply. I feel so much hurt that I'm still crying as I write this.
It doesn't feel like I can love again. And that is so ridiculously cliche, but it's how I feel.

I just have to somehow survive this week of stress, heartache, family, and education. Also I'm jobless at the moment, so I have no cash flow of any sort.

I just want to stay in bed forever. I feel like I have kind of lost the will to push on.
It's what being in love feels like I guess.

That sounded so pathetic.

From Love with Care, Goodbye.

Let me tell you a story.

It's about a guy.
Who fell in love with a girl.

I don't want this to sound cliche, but I know that I won't be telling you everything that should be said.

Privacy, Details, Forgetfulness, Necessity.

I fell in love.

And that's difficult to say, because I have fallen in love with a lot of people.
But no one has made me feel the way that she does.
And that could be that I'm in so deep. But it could just be that it was real, and nothing that I projected onto the situation.

I have gotten to know this girl emotionally, and I enjoy her company, because I don' feel like I need anyone else's company when I'm with her. And even now, away from her.

But the catch is that this girl does not feel the same way.
And that is hard.

She doesn't.

And that is okay. Just fine, in fact.

She will feel what she wants and needs to. And I respect that. I just hope now that I don't lose her from my life as a friend because of this difference.

I laugh hardest around her, I feel strongest around her, I feel best around her.
She is a truly incredible friend.

Now, you might say I'm biased because I'm in love.

But as much as that may be the truth, I believe and feel that there is a true friendship underneath it all.

We've gone through a phase of awkward chats and discussion about our status as friends. And all of them have been hard. Not because the truth was spoken, but because I've had to cut off one of my best friends afterwards for a period of time. I don't want to lose her from my life.

Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just let go.
But the world is a scary place and I am unsure where I will be led.
I do, however, strive to be closer to God on this journey forward. I have given this girl my heart, more than once. Now, I can't do anything else. It is not my call to make. And I'm not sure if it's hers anymore. It's the big mans. Almighty.

I just don't understand the confusion that has happened or is happening.
It's so much pain.
More than I've felt. Ever.

She is struggling and I can't help her. And that's what hurts me most. I have no jurisdiction.
My hands must be wiped clean.

And that's the hardest part of this, moving forward.

What do I do with myself? How do I deal with the pain that I feel? The strange sense of calm?

I am pessimistic of the future at the moment. There's little hope.
Help me Lord.
All I can do now about this I guess. Is hope that through you Lord, I find her. And maybe this is where our story does end.
Harsh and Broken and Unsure. And Terrified.

Goodbye. Hope for this must leave now. I have no choice but to show you the door.
I must pray and trust that my life will be presented with gifts that I can't even imagine.

Tears are on their way. I should close now.

Just short of Twenty-two

I seem to be alone.
I know I'm not.
Or do I?

I have been immersing myself in my project and I see no one except my crew. I am so stressed because I have so much still to do
Yet I am not doing anything else.

I'm killing my extrovert.

I don't see anyone. And sure, I don't make the effort. But the people I do want to see, seem like they're just fine without seeing me.
All the people I used to hang out with don't seem to hang out with me anymore.

For some,
There's a problem between them and I.
Is that my fault?

For others,
It's that they've found someone else to hangout with.

For the rest,
They've moved away.


I'm seeing a lot more of alone time.

I just want to be loved, but I think I'm done here.
I think I've started to overstay my welcome here in Rosebud.

It's a thing that I do. I overstay.

I've had best friends during my time here. But now I look back at my four years as I'm standing here, and I realize, that I'm just alone. They were temporary. Most of the men here that I've been friends with have had falling out with me. They either take advantage or become hostile.

Maybe that's my fault.

My birthday is in less than a week and I don't think anyone knows or cares besides my family.

Lots of other people have had the privilege of this love and recognition. But I'm not feeling it.

My newest best friend,
She's gone away now, she's gone home. And I notice that she's gone. I miss her very, very much. I want her to come back.
But I won't see much of her now, because I'm graduating.

I feel like I'm getting depressed again. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, but I sure haven't felt it loosen it's grip on me since I acquired it.
I don't feel close to anyone left in town. I feel like a burden. I want to cry. I want to be held.

I do feel like a burden to people. I feel tolerated. I don't feel genuinely appreciated by really anyone. It all feels fake to me.

I know it's a dark path. And I think I'm too vain and too afraid to actually do something. But I have thought that if I didn't have my family still around. What would I do? Would I actually feel the need to keep living?

But I'm not going to anything rash.
I'm not.

I love them.

The Night After I Forgot

Full.
That's how I feel today.

I watched the 3rd years do their Faith and Art presents and I was so proud of them.
I was reminded that all of us are people, not that I've had a trouble with it, but I needed to witness it today.

I have had a rough couple of weeks.
In a lot of ways.
I have been stressed beyond measure and I have tried to juggle way too many things at once.

But the big thing is, and it always seems to be this.. my love life feels like it's going down the toilet, and feels like it has been for awhile.

I just don't get it.

I want love, true love, so bad that it seems it's having the reverse effect. I just don't understand why I just can't seem to get anything right!

I also can't let go very easily.

Jesse is over. That took 2 years but it's done. Just kind of wish that we had talked more.

Caitlyn is a strange case, I care, I don't have feelings to be in a relationship anymore, but I can't handle her with other guys... and I have to be. Right? I have no grounds here. It's just that I want to hold onto that hope I guess.

Frances, I bonded with and I truly enjoy getting to know her and chatting, but because we connected physically a lot quicker than we should've I now feel a connection to her, and now that I see her flirting with others (as I do) I can't handle it. I want to hold onto that possibility that we could work potentially. But again, I have no grounds, and I just need to move on.

Kait, I thought I was over her, and I was for awhile. But recently I've realized something towards her never left. It was there, and now I'm trying to keep a proper friendly distance so I don't have trouble. But it's not working super well.

Cassie, nothing here, but I worry for the future month. Guess we'll hope for the best.

Every girl I seem to touch, every relationship I seem to jump into is just poison. It hurts me and it hurts me bad. When I want to do right, I seem to do wrong.

I heard a quote, and I think it was from a comic book (Green Arrow?) or maybe it just quoted it from elsewhere but it's...

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming."

Life sure as hell seems to be pulling back slowly. Fuck.

I have also been making a life shift which is challenging to say the least, I've been off pornography for almost 3 weeks now, and off masturbation for about a week. And I've also been reading a fantastic book, Every Young Man's Battle and it's incredibly helpful. I'm trying to work out more and eat better. I've been having mood shifts though and I've been coming up against myself more often now. I don't understand. I guess making a massive change of accepting physical love and then rejecting it is harsh, but it's ultimately something that I want to do, in my heart. I've thought of myself as a physical person, and I think I still am, but I also believe that it can be trained, and this book is helping me achieve this. But man is it hard.

I want to be that kind hearted, happy spirited, exercised, well versed, adventurous, good christian man that I know that I could be.
I want my Lord to be in me, but I'm not quite sure how to get there at the moment.

I seem to be beating myself up about a performance that I did last night, I had to sing, and I practiced for that performance because I wanted to own it, it was my last one so I had to do well, and I knew that song in and out.
But
Disaster struck and I forgot my second verse. Gone. Nada!
I mean I looked good, and sounded good. But I wrecked my mojo. totally. Fucked it up. bad. And I'm ashamed. And I feel that I've let all my instructors down, because it seemed like I wasn't prepared but I was this time. And it didn't come off that way.

I want to cry. HARD. I want to be held. I want to be told I matter. I want to be told I'm better than I think I am. I want to know that my presence on earth matters. I want to believe in myself. I want to be honest. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved genuinely.

Title

Oh god.
I'm going to explode. I've never felt this mad in a long time.
FUCK! I want to just fucking scream!!

I had a meeting today with Caleb, if you can even call it one. I went in with some topics to chat about and wouldn't you know it...
I felt shitty afterward.
Why?
Oh well, because everything I brought up felt stupid and obvious.
But that wasn't the worst part. I felt as though he was condescending me the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.

As if, "geez, Geordie. you should know better." "isn't that why you were elected?" FUCK.

And then I attempted to locate the calendar on my email account, the education email, and so I asked Caleb for help... Well, Fuck. That was a mistake.
He was so fucking impatient with me. He treated me like an idiot. He tore into me about not knowing how to open the calendar, he was like you should know this by now.
Fuck.

I don't know who the fuck reads this blog, and frankly, I don't want to know. Because it'll get tougher for me to speak the truth.

But I've got to get something off my chest. Kait has been in pain this past few days, and as much as I fight against my feelings, I've been offering my help wherever I can.

And all that.

But.

You see, she wrote a blog post today thanking everyone for the specific reasons they've helped her, and all I got was a "thanks for your car".

I know. I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion, and yes, fuck I still like her...
But for goodness sake, I am really hurt by this. I've done what I can. And maybe that's it, maybe she's distancing more than I am. But fuck.

Just.

I hate liking someone with no reciprocation.
I want to move on, I want to go out with someone else to defer my energy, but if it doesn't work, then I've just fucked over some other girl.

And I've done that already, and...

That wrecked me. I will never do that again. I won't do that to someone again.

Now I've reached the really depressive stuff, I know people have their own shit going on, but I truly feel like I'm being tolerated.

By everyone.

I'M NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I just find shit funny, and laugh, and I am just truly awkward beyond myself. I don't know how to present myself in situations, so I find a way to do it.

I need to get out of here.
I don't think I can finish. I don't think I can do it.

I wish I didn't have a voice, because then I would shut up about all my little issues. And I wouldn't bother people, with this fucking complainy shit anymore.
I blame others for my shit, and you know, I'm thinking it might be me.

I don't know how to love someone properly. I just crush hard. Or I'm lustful. Or I'm awkward. OR I'm actually in a fucking trance over the one person who said "yea, let's give it a try".
I don't know how to love. I just think I do.

I just fucking start things. I get all fucking excited over fucking ideas and things, but then I fucking lose interest in it. Whether, it's school, a show, a project, a relationship.
I CAN'T FUCKING FINISH ANYTHING.

Fuck. Just fuck.

I hate this. I hate this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel this weight of darkness. But it's fucking here. RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

Leave me alone. I can't function anymore. Because I just lose it. I cry, I get overwhelmed. I want to scream.
I don't feel wanted in this place. And if I'm being honest, I never have.

Truly.

I feel like I just get used. because I'm nice and convenient.

And the worst part is... I usually feel better after a fucking rant post. But I don't. I almost feel worse.

"you were great as the dinosaur, it was you, I watched it and saw Geordie"

IS THAT ALL I AM? AN ASSHOLE MANCHILD, WHO SAYS SOME HALF-FUNNY SHIT???!!!! FUCK YOU! I DON'T WANT TO SEEM AS IF I'M NOT ACTING. I MEAN SURE I WANT TO BE AUTHENTIC, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE I HAVEN'T GONE TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT.

I'm low. I mean, real fuckin low. I don't feel genuinely happy anymore, I feel fake when I smile, because I feel sad so often now.

And I'm not looking for pity.

I'm looking help.
But I... Fuck.

Who cares.

Goodnight.

Something Burnt

It's seems that a lot of people are having a tough time right about now, myself included, but I only feel stressed because I'm not kicking my ass to get my shit down like I know I need to be doing.
I did the dishes tonight and had my headphones on. I had a grand ol' time just rocking out to Shawn Mendes, in particular, this song...



I had a whirlwind of a week and I do have some mixed feelings about it. I opened and closed a show in Calgary and it went really well,
at least,
I believe it did.

The playwright...

maybe not so much.

Hah.
Well, funny story.

The original dinosaur was written and portrayed as woman, and she made it very clear, very quickly.
Also she said three words to me "that was great", which isn't weird if she says that to everyone, but she didn't. She had an extensive conversation about EVERYONE's portrayal, except me.

Eh.

Playwright's are touchy. Go figure.

So what.

I fucking killed that part.

But it does bug me. I mean obviously because I'm still talking about it. I just wanted her to like me, and you know what?
Maybe she did. but I won't know that.

Fuck.

Anyway. I want to be a better person. I mean like be better at kicking my ass to get shit done. And just listen more to others. I want to be less of a jerk.
I also want to take my life off cruise control, because that's what i feel like is happening. I expecting myself to get there. And it's not true. I need to work hard. HARD.

It starts now, not yesterday. FUCK YESTERDAY. It's yesterday for a reason.

I watched a movie tonight about a chef fighting for what he wants, and it was incredible. BURNT with Bradley Cooper.


I feel the darkness, but right now I've got a torch in hand. So that's a step.

The Death of the Dinosaur

It’s back. I feel it today.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired beyond comprehension, but I’m not well today.

I am so sad and mad.

I drove in Kait today and I ended up on bringing it up, the fact that I like her, again.
Why do I continue to make it awkward? I hate when I do that! I constantly make everything so maddening. And now it’s awkward again, I’m working towards getting over her. And it’s just difficult to try and move on successfully.

I don’t want these feelings anymore.

On another note, in rehearsal today, I worked my monologue in the show and I realized that I hate it. I actually hate it. I hate doing it. I just do.

Why?! I don’t want to hate it but it fucking sucks.

I feel so unauthentic, I feel so unreal, I feel so “acty”. And it’s getting in the way of everything. I feel so stupid. And nothing can be done except for myself to just trust that I’m executing it well.

I want to be honest. I do.

And I’m also so distracting in rehearsal and it’s so fucking annoying, because I don’t feel like I’m fun in my work if I’m not trying things. I don’t feel like I’m a good actor when that happens. I just feel like I’m in the way.

What do I do? Where do I go? How do I deal with it?
Is this darkness? Or my mind? Or both? Or am I just sad?

I don’t feel funny. I am funny. But I’m not a humorous person.
I think a lot. I love drama. I love love. But where is the value in that when what you say comes across as funny.

I’m not. I don’t look for the joke. But it’s there, it’s always there.

Why can’t it let me be the hero instead of the relief just once?

I want to be the hero.
But in my experience. I’ve either been the comedic sidekick or the villain. How is it that the thing you aim for most, is the thing you end up furthest from?

Leave me darkness. Leave me. And leave me alone heart. You’re fucking up my life and relationships.
Maybe I just don’t know how to handle the power that my heart holds yet.

I just don’t know.

The day after i wrote this...

Hey.

There is no wifi at the retreat so this will be posted at a later date. Probably the next day.

So it’s the end of the first day of the retreat, and I am just exhausted.
I wasn’t in the highest of energy states this morning but I went on with the day anyway, we arrived at Pioneer Ranch and I went sledding.

I haven’t gone sledding in years. I went off the jump and down the hill several times. I was wet and cold from doing it for an hour, now I’m just exhausted. And I also am sore. In my knees.

I am having a hard time staying in a positive mode, it’s seems almost impossible. I’m staying away from her and it is heartbreaking. I want it to be okay. I’m just in so much emotional pain right now and I can’t help but feel things. I want to be alright.

But fucking my heart hurts!!!

I just need to be able to work passed this and figure out a new system of living. I don’t know what to do. I’m just fucking at a loss. Of Soul. I’m not for me. I’m not able to function, I can’t just think about anything except what is happening between the two of us. I want to be able to get through it. FUCK!

I’m so attached.

I need to let go, I need to fly away.

What do I do?

And the stupid thing is that I don’t even know if I want it. I don’t know what I would do, I don’t want to get involved in this stupid relationship shit. It sucks. The heartache I’ve put myself through.

I hate this retreat.

It’s been really nothing but bad memories for me. I’m just depressed.

I hate when people become so aware of how they present themselves that it affects other people in a negative way. I’m of course speaking with myself in mind.

I don’t know what I want. I want to be loved genuinely by the one person who I can’t seem to get to love me.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I must seem so troubled to people around me.
I’m coming off as an asshole. Or I’m coming off as the most emotionally unstable, depressive human on the planet. There’s no fucking in-between.

Day 17 and counting…
It’s tough. I’ve come extremely close to caving and I just can’t. I have to be strong. And I can do that.

I was realizing the other day that I need to find my own way to God. I have to find my own love for Him, I can’t try to build a relationship with Him based off of the strong relationship my crush has with Him and have me attempting to use it as a connection.

I am a human being.

What is this?

It's late.
And I should be in bed.
But I'm not.
I'm busy. I should sleep.
I have a retreat.
I have a show.
I have homework.
I need to be in bed.

But I'm not.

Why?

Well, I've been packing, I've been on the internet killing time.

I've been dwelling.

I can't seem to shake it. I am so involved emotionally with someone who is quickly becoming a best friend and at the same time someone who is leaving my life way sooner than I'd have liked.

I don't think I can love, or even care. I'm either numb or so incredibly deep that I've forgotten how deep I am.

What? What is this?
The theme of the week, and it's kind of getting old.


I'm so exhausted already.

And I've just started my semester. I'm off to a bad start.


My friend gets married tomorrow (today). Crazy.
Adding another to the list.

I want that. But maybe I'm not capable, maybe I'm not ready.

And I'm sure I'm most certainly barking up the wrong tree.

Well.
Cheers.
This post seems irrelevant.
Hmm.
It's late.

Be patient within me, Child.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep, full relationship with another,
To be loved exclusively,
But God to the Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied and content
with being loved by me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me,
to have an intense, personal, and unique relationship
with me alone.
I love you my child, and until you discover that
only in me is your satisfaction to be found
you will not be capable of the perfect human
relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desire or longing.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing,
and allow me to bring that person to you.
Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you -
you just wait."

"And then, when you are ready
I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful
than you would ever dream of.
I am working this minute to have you both
ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me,
and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love!"

"And dear one,
I want you to have this perfect love,
I want you to see in the flesh
a picture of your relationship with me,
And enjoy maturely the love that i offer you with myself."

"Please know that I love you - Believe it and be satisfied."

- Author Unknown

Sometimes all you need is sleep.

Back.
Good news is that I've been porn-free since last year. And I'm still trucking.

Bad News is that I've fucked up!

Yay! Surprise, surprise.

I thought I was making good headway with Kait and moving forward in getting over her. WHY CAN'T I DO IT?
I'm trying so damn hard. I have even made prayers to God to take the love away, and so far, He hasn't.

Yesterday, (Friday) I had a long, albeit awkward, conversation with her. We talked about our educational demise and we talked or rather I talked about love. I explained my description of love and how I approach it. And now that I think back on it, it was one of the single dumbest conversations I've ever had.

I had a discussion about love with the person I have a massive crush over and has rejected me TWICE. Yea. I know.

Why do I do these things to myself? You'd think I would have learned.

And then to make matters worse. I've gone and exploded apologies for being clingy and lovey to her. I feel so ashamed. I thought that I had moved past this. This bad judgement thing, this constant flirting thing.

I want to be friends and keep her in my life but the more we talk, the more I see that as an unlikely option.

It's sad really.

A guy who wants to be nothing but the best human being he can be while on this earth in his life.
But he's constantly combated by his desire for love, affection, and particularities.

Apparently I'm brave, not quite sure what that means. Because frankly, I don't see that I just see a lovesick, sniveling, complainer, with no motivation. And no real balls to just ask someone out!

Fuck off HEART!
JUST LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! SHE SAID FUCKING NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. LEAVE IT ALONE.

I like to see myself as a tough, strong man who can do anything and save anyone. So naturally the worst thing that can go wrong with my ego is when I look like I can't accomplish an exercise routine same as everyone else. Like feeling faint or nauseated. I now feel like everyone sees me as weak. I wish I could shrug that off and say that I don't care about what they think but I do. I do.


On another note, some people get on my nerves.
I don't try to ruffle feathers but somehow I do. There's a few people that no matter how much I try to be friendly and helpful they just take it the wrong way or over think it. It's really quite annoying.
I want to step back from interjecting myself into other peoples lives and opinions, because people don't like that. Especially with someone who CLEARLY has a lot of emotional issues to work out on his own. And he's not the smoothest talking, or most well-read, or quickest thinker. So he obviously isn't one to give advice. And no, I haven't gone through the worst of what life can throw at someone but I have seen, witnessed my fair share of turmoil, pain, and hurt. I do think through everything. It's just that my brain-to-mouth translator sucks ASS! I can't say it. EVER!

Well.
That was a rant.

I feel a little better.

Let's end on a high note.

(What is the difference between

I like you
I love you.

Beautifully answered by Buddha:

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily...!

One who understands this, understands life...")

Ed Sheeran has saved me often

Back again.

This feels like therapy in it's own right. Right here.
I think I'll frequent my blog more often this year... and I think that's not a bad thing.

The first day of 2016 has now come and gone. And...
It was pretty up and down. Pros and cons. Always I suppose.
I lost my mind today and had to just de-stress intensely in my room after hanging out with my family and grandmothers.
I was super tired all day from the party last night.
However, day one of three hundred and sixty five and it was porn free. YES.

You know, I started this entry withholding great sadness and sorrow. I now feel blessed, and relatively ok. I have a good year to look forward to. It's going to be busy and hard. But I can do it if I work HARD. And I know I can. I need to overcome my lazy nature and just work my handsome, hairy ass off.

I've been reading some other blogs, and they are written by beloved friends, I enjoy reading into their lives. And knowing what they are thinking in the moment. Sometimes it's difficult to read and sometimes it's heartwarming. I have to realize that I am one of the only ones that can choose how I feel and how I see the world.
I can't change the world around me. I can only change myself, and hope with the best of my ability that I make a difference in the occasional harsh reality that is life.

I should be a lot more grateful for what I have than what I give credit for. I am in 3 shows in the next 6 months and that's AMAZING! AND they are all major roles. I couldn't be more blessed, especially with the typecast I was born with, this wasn't expected. Thank you Lord.

I am infatuated with two people right now and that's such a blessing. Honestly. I may not be in a relationship but who says that give you happiness. Even feeling happy when I think or daydream over what could be. It's such a powerful way to increase mood.

I have the privilege of loving everyone I meet and grow around. Sure, it's hard to say goodbye or it's hard to live with someone, but I love them and hopefully they love me. And for that, I couldn't ask for more.

I am scared for this year. But as much as I am unsure, it excites me to know that anything could happen.

I received a text this morning that changed my morning and it was beautiful, it was from a friend that does nothing but cares for their friends, it said:
"Happy New Year! I hope you achieve all that you've ever dreamed with the love you deserve"
Blown. Away.

I was truly thankful for it.

Before I finish this entry, here's a blurb from Neil Gaiman:
"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

I have a long drive tomorrow. I hope it's well, and I have to say bye to my family for five months, it'll be hard.

With all the optimism I can muster, with all the hope I contain... Blessings (Geordie, listen up)

You will be fine.

It's a New Year... Now what?

This seems to have become my depression confession blog...
And I'm here more often.

Well, it's a new year.
Yay.
3 shows.
Producing.
Graduating.
Farewells.
New jobs.
No fall term.
Travel planning.
22.
A few weddings.

I've got a little bit happening this year.

I've just spent the evening with my friend and his family, pretty much the same as I've done for years, but it was different because there was pretty much only couples there, and a LOT of wedding talk.
All in all, it was a lonely New Years for me.

The last few New Years have been memorable but honestly all I want to do with this one is forget it, there was no "bros" around (besides one who couldn't talk because of a wisdoms teeth pull), no girlfriend to love up on, no family because I was not at home.
It was different.
And in the morning I'm the only attempting to keep the sunset tradition.
It's saddening.

I feel like I'm getting worse, sadder, by the day. I have reached the point where I need to almost call my therapist again.
I'm excited for the new year and what it has to offer but there's a gut feeling that's going to be one of the worst years of my life, and I can't shake it. But I'm marching on with my head up, heart out and attempting a smile.

We'll see what happens.

I feel pathetic.
All the complaining I do about relationships but it's important to me, and I feel snubbed.
The last relationship I was in was almost entirely my fault. I did stuff in that relationship that I never want to do again an I can't get over what I've done, and in relative terms it's not even bad it's just physically, emotionally and mentally clingy, I can't shake it.

I'm so conflicted with my heart at the moment that I almost want to swear off girls this year.

Let's do some New Years resolutions:
Be more diligent in your work
Offer opinion only when invited and don't overstep it.
Don't hold a grudge.
Be kinder.
Invest more in everything.
Don't be so hard in myself.
Give up pornography.
Flirt less.


Happy new year.
It'll be a cinch.
I hope...